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My A and I have been separated, but she's been in the hospital twice. Every time I go visit her, she treats me different than the nurses, her roommate, other visitors, even the people taking out her trash. With me its total disdain. Nit picking everything I'm doing, what I'm not doing but may do, if I offer to help, if I don't offer to help, if I glance at her, etc. It is really bad. I know she's detoxing. I'm aware our interactions can be toxic and I'm working really hard on not reacting. In fact she was pissed I wasn't reacting or if I did react it was just a brief look on my face- ah-ha! It's so obvious how she treats me so differently than everyone else. It was painful to stay with her the two hours I was there at the hospital. It really put me in a surprisingly bad mood I couldn't shake yesterday, do I went to a CODA meeting. Today, my day has been off. Up until now I haven't let this affect me. Being a people pleaser, it's killing me that she seems so mad at me. It's like she can no longer be nice to me. Yesterday, her roommate was leaving and the roommate's grandson came in and said I'll meet you in the lobby. My A said after they left, "I can't stand how family members treat their family like it's kill them to help. That just burns me." So, thinking about this later (and I have a tendency to overthink) was she referring also to me? She's make comments like this before. I felt so pulled into her drama, taking on her feeling for me and I don't want to deal with that again. I told her I wasnt feeling well and wouldn't be able to come visit (which is true- I'm crying at a drop of a hat all day). I feel our relationship is finally over. I personally would like to move from here and give her the house, but it's in my name and we are not legal. I can't stick around and feel like this with someone who says she loves me but doesn't show it in her actions toward me, but is so nice to everyone else. My mind keeps saying it's the disease and she needs help. But my heart can't take any more. I feel bad, too, because she is so sick. I know I need help and I'm getting it and working on it and trying to focus on myself and what makes me happy. Maybe this is more of a vent. thanks for listening/reading.
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
I'm so sorry that you are going through this Gabigail, I can relate to the treatment that you are getting and I understand how difficult it is not to take it personally.
I came to the conclusion that I had to trust my own instinct about who I was. My husband's view of me became so out of sync with what other people said and what I believed myself. I let his disdain tear me apart for a while. It reduced me. I guess that might have been the point. I came to the conclusion that a partnership is based on mutual respect and apart from my feelings of being disrespected I could also feel my respect for my husband waining. It said more about my husband's state of mind than it did about my ability as a person that he treated me so rudely but for some obscure reason I tried to tolerate it. That was my own fault I think. I no longer tolerate rude behaviour and if I get a whiff of it I remove myself from the situation. My soul couldn't take it, let alone my heart!
I hope you can find yourself a darn good treat, and ((((((hugs)))))))
I try very hard (and it's not easy) not to let people treat me like that, especially the alcoholics in my life. SI just say something like "I can see I'm not wanted" and turn and walk away. No need for JADE, because once they have been mean to me, I don't need that kind of non-serenity in my life. And the other person has no right to treat me like that. And after awhile, either they figure it out and change how they interact with me, or I don't see them again. It doesn't matter to me who was doing what, what their ulterior motive is, what my motive could be, etc. If I'm not treated with basic human dignity, I leave. After all, I have resolved that I treat the alcoholics with basic human dignity, even when they can't talk, pee themselves, or whatever.
Just because it's the disease that is talking, that doesn't mean we have to attend every fight we are invited to, or let someone treat us poorly. If the disease talks, the alcoholic inside is not in control, so I walk away from it until they gain control. I deserve that much, and so do you.
Gabi...I am NOT telling you what to do, but I swear you sound just like me right before I left my A 8 years ago. It was so toxic. I could deal with a lot but not being treated with contempt while already feeling like crap in so many other ways. I dunno...I had an awakening. My motto now is "NOBODY gets a free pass to treat me like dirt EVER!"
Thank you, guys. I spent an overdue time with God in the woods (I haven't gone hiking in weeks) and it really helped me. I think the writing is definitely on the wall. I've known it for a long time. However, I have committed to this relationship, upholding the vows we took at our commitment ceremony, but from the years of disrespect, mistreatment, broken promises, and suspicion of cheating, I don't think I can take anymore. I've been wanting to leave this city for a long time and maybe the time is coming at hand. Going to CODA to learn skills on being assertive and learning self-respect is helping me, along with the tools of al-anon. Though I don't have the resources to leave yet, I feel very strongly that it's inevitable. And that I need to leave. I have felt trapped here for too long. I used to be a free spirit before all of this, and my wings have been clipped. On top of my recovery, I feel like this is another goal to make myself healthy. Right now, I'm mourning the loss of this relationship that has been severed and dying for years. Thank you for your esh's. I'm adding these to my toolbox.
-- Edited by gabigail on Monday 8th of August 2016 06:31:11 PM
-- Edited by gabigail on Monday 8th of August 2016 06:38:25 PM
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
Remember, maybe the help she needs is to see that her actions have consequences - for instance, treating someone cruelly means that they leave. Maybe that's the thing that would be the most help - the natural consequences of her actions. So doing what's right for you may also be doing what's right for her. (Not what she wants but what's right for her - for A's those are usually two different things.)
Even people who have made bad decisions and been horrible don't deserve to be treated as she is treating you. I always wondered about my A - if I'm so terrible, why do you stick around? If he really thought I was awful, instead of hanging on and berating me about it all the time, wouldn't the best decision just be to leave? I came to see that berating me about it all the time was the way he had of building himself up. It wasn't really about who I was. It was just a sick dynamic.
It was recently pointed out to me that feeling sorry for the A is a way of maintaining the upper hand or looking down on them, not accepting them as equals. Ideally, my relationship is with someone who is my equal and not someone I pity. There is a certain sense of power, superiority and control in feeling sorry for someone. My challenge is to view my AH as capable of doing for himself. Right now, I'm obsessing with all the health concerns he didn't voice at his doctors appointment (I should have made him a list ahead of time, I should have gone with him, he said). It's hard to acknowledge my powerlessness in the face of potential health concerns -- what's up with the leg cramps at night?? Back to serenity prayer and 1, 2, 3.
The strength is there. I just need to apply it to my own situation instead of his. Good luck Gabigail, as you take care of yourself each moment at a time.
My xah has his financial consequences
That is on him not me. I really truly Need
to hand him over to the care of God And
leave him there. Its a process to do as
you Can detach, i am willing just not
Able yet.
Let yourself grieve your losses so you can
Heal. This is a very stress filled time. Take
Good care of you. Walk in faith and hang
On tightly to your HP and Alanon.
Chances are she might be experiencing guilt openly because of the addiction in the relationship....she's blaming you and not the others because you know what they don't. The situation requires compassion...lots of it and maybe leaving her alone; after all who of us anymore go to visit the alcoholic or addict for the reason of getting a beating.
Hi everyone-
Thank you for all the esh's. I have read all of your responses. It's been a busy and insane week.
Right now I'm a little confused. I'm not totally trusting the situation, though my old self is jumping back in to old patterns.
So the last couple of days have been going well. She's apologized for treating me the way she has. She broke down today, calling me after my meeting and asked me to come to the hospital as soon as I could. I get there and she's not feeling well. Her friend she's been staying with is out of town (which has me wondering). She is been nothing but sweet and kind, like when we were first dating. I honestly think she doesn't want to be alone at all and that is why she's being super sweet. I want to believe that she wants to turn things around and work on our relationship, however this kind of stuff has happened before. I even go CODA meetings in this whole codependency thing kind of cycles similarly to an abusive relationship type mentality that I've witnessed and I have your research during my recovery. So, is this another honeymoon phase? Have I become jaded? I want to believe things will be better, but I'm very skeptical. I hate feeling this way- I feel very guilty. I am putting forth those boundaries that I've written up and practiced/rehearsed delivering.
One thing that I noticed myself doing tonight which has me worried in my recovery is that I was doing stuff for her that she could do herself (enabling). And before I would catch myself prior. Tonight I didn't, so I'm beating myself up on my progress. But I think that's what she wants...the overly helpful partner and I just do it merrily. She's not alone and I'm coming at her beck and call. Ahhhh!! This is driving me crazy. I'm definitely dealing with an addiction to her.
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
