The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi My name is Melanie, I am a grateful member of Truro Al-Anon Family Group in Nova Scotia.
I have been a member since April 5th of this year.
I was thrilled when I seen this on-line message board; another recovery tool to work my program. I am blessed to have my local Al-Anon fellowship and now an on-line one too!! I am happy to be here.
I grew up in home where my father drank. It was only last year that I realized my fathers drinking played a huge part in the issues I was having. I reacted to things that happened then and have continued to react the same way all through my 54 years.
Al-Anon helped me to learn that I was powerless as a child. There was absolutely nothing I could have done. IT was not my fault!! Me being that good little girl living in fear and pain was not going to stop it. All that I was doing wasn't giving me the love and attention I craved. Repressing my emotions didn't stop the fighting or alcoholic rages. It was not my job to fix this yet, I took it on.
54 years later I am still powerless to change all the things that resulted from my reacting to Dad's drinking.
I bent over backwards to gain love and acceptance from outside myself, scared to say no because I would be rejected. Afraid to speak up because no one wanted to hear, never fighting because bad things happen when you show anger, keeping people at a distance because if the got too close they would hate me like I hated myself. I resented people because they didn't live up to my high expectations. My need to be right no matter what and getting mad when people wouldn't agree. I repressed my emotions, I didnt know what I felt and when faced with any feelings, I would stuff them with food.... to the point where I grew myself to well over 600lbs.
I felt unloved, unworthy, stupid, not good enough, lived in fear, I lied, was obsessive, had no moderation in many aspects of my life.
Through the years, I have compounded all those false beliefs into a quagmire of defects that I keep struggling with to fix, but I can't. I AM POWERLESS. Oh yeah, in my head definitely thought I could. "Certainly there must be something I am missing? Only I could fix this... right?" WRONG. There was nothing I could do and there is nothing I can do to fix this myself.
My head was full those self help things I had learned. When I sat down to look at the 12 steps, I read them over and basically said... yup, yup, yup... well what the hell am I missing here... why am I having trouble for pete's sake. It wasn't until I listened to stories from Al-Anon members did that light bulb go on.
The part I was missing was being truly HONEST with me. With all I had learned; taking the self-help workshops, reading books, were NOT helping. What was wrong with me? I had all the info I needed. I was even told by a psychologist that I know everything I need to know to change. However, no change would stay changed. The cycle went round and round and round. I AM POWERLESS.
When I read the "WE", it scared me. OMG I would have to reach out for help. Find a sponsor for Al-Anon requires you to find a sponsor for the steps. Fear took over. I really felt powerless.
When upon entering Al-Anon, I did have faith in God. Having grown up in the united church, I believed there was a God. At the age of 16 my faith changed to that of having a personal relationship with Him. Soon the judgments of fellow believers and their high expectations on me left me with feelings of not good enough, so I left the church. My faith remained, however my relationship with Him wavered. I called upon Him only when I needed Him during hard times.
Reading the 2nd step it says "Came to believe" that is truly the process that was for me. I knew He could, but not until I came to truly believe it. Recognizing I was powerless and no one else could help me... knowing all the self help workshops I did couldn't help, I finally was faced with Step 2 that he was the only one who would be able to restore me to sanity... Finally, I had hope.
It was AA Members stories that really drove home this step during an AA round up. Thank God for the alcoholics I heard.
When I finally came to that place in step 2, I knew there was no other way but to turn my will over to mu HP. I know I have to daily rely on his guidance to show me what I needed to do. I know myself enough to know that my old habits are so ingrained in me that for God to work a miracle in me I would have to walk close to Him and surrender daily. That relationship I once had was rekindled.
I have always believed that people we happen to meet are for a purpose. While sitting waiting for a meeting, someone shared how it is the 18 inch block that prevents us from making changes in our lives. I knew then what was my problem Just knowing isn't enough. I had to have a willing heart and allow my higher power do what he needed to do... not my will but His. It was like the fog lifted and I could understand the missing piece that prevented me from change for the good. That block was released.
I know that space between my head and heart can easily get plugged, it is only through waking each morning and as I put my feet to the floor, ask my higher Power for guidance in the next 24 hours. I then do my daily writings and readings. That starts my day and sets my mind in the right direction. I will continue to work my program. I am taking care of ME.
I am SO grateful for Al-Anon and my HP for the changes in my life thus far. I look forward to continue in my steps; to learn grow and share...
Hello Melanie and welcome to MIP! So glad you found us, and that you shared your story/ESH! I too am looking forward to sharing this journey with you!
Welcome to the MIP Family!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Melanie, your sharing has blessed me today. But for a few words, you described me to a T:
I bent over backwards to gain love and acceptance from outside myself, scared to say no because I would be rejected. Afraid to speak up because no one wanted to hear, never fighting because bad things happen when you show anger, keeping people at a distance because if the got too close they would hate me like I hated myself. I resented people because they didn't live up to my high expectations. My need to be right no matter what and getting mad when people wouldn't agree. I repressed my emotions, I didnt know what I felt
I am so grateful for the wisdom of MIP members old and new. Welcome and many thanks for your honesty.
I could relate to everything you say here, your awareness is brilliant and I could have written many of your words. I also did the self help things and looked for answers or soothing in food, other people, studying, television, my alcoholic partner, my children and a lot more really and couldnt find what I needed and I did come to believe with alanon that the only help is from my higher power. Thanks for sharing, I hope you stick around.
