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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> New, with some questions
Post Info TOPIC: New, with some questions
kiwi


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New, with some questions
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Hi there,


I know I should have been going to Al Anon for years now, but two weeks ago my husband began AA.


He hit his bottom with a 5 day beer binge.  I had a client, whom I knew was in AA, come over and talk to my husband. (after asking if he was ready to go to AA).  Since then, he has been at meetings every night, and lunch meetings during the day. 


We have four children, age 11 and under, and I work in a very demanding job.  Between him gone and work and so much kidlet time, I feel a little shaky myself.  Even if he was drunk, I could still leave him here, and meet with clients.  (Yes, he was only a warm body sitting in a chair, but I have many evening appointments, and the kids go to bed by 8 or 8:30).


I know his sponsor told him 90 meetings in 90 days.  He's been reading from the Big Book every night.  He is talking about AA and the meetings.  He says he doesn't have a desire to drink, that he knows how bad he was.  I'm happy that he's sober.


His drinking was the only thing we have fought over in almost 13 years of marriage.


I am not scheduling evening appointments, and working around his meetings on Saturday and Sunday. 


Can anyone tell me if their "a" started off so great, and stayed that way?  Anyone else have someone who jumped right in, and really believed in AA, and then stayed sober?


Anyone else a little tired of so many meetings in the first three months?


What a terrible thing to say, I know.  It's absolutely ridiculous to say out loud or write down.


I am new to Al Anon, and have not yet been to a meeting.  I am somewhat familiar with the philosophy, as my brother spent a year in Minneapolis in treatment.  And of course, my dad was a drunk.  (Didn't I read 90% of daughters of alcoholic dads marry an alcoholic?).


I realize this is sort of rambling, but our schools are off today for some crazy reason, and all four kids are bored, looking for things to do, and in and out of my office every 30 seconds.


 



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jrtjosey


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I wish I was so lucky to have an A that would go.  I go to open AA meetings myself, and from what I see meeting makers, make it! I can pretty well tell you sitting in the room who is gonna make it and who isn't.  I myself and others here did 90 meetings in 90 days and it does boost your start in recovery and shows a real committment. 


I know how hard it is to get to meetings myself with kids schedules and leaving them home with a drunk when we are home.  It is a tough decision.  I trust in my HP that he will only be passed out and will have left the kids alone(mine r older).


Keep coming back here, it is a great place to fill the void when you can't get to a f2f or just need to vent.


Josey



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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
kiwi


Newbie

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Thanks, jrt. 


I work at a computer lots during the day, so I will stop in often.


K



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mebjk


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Kiwi,
Hi, I know you have lots of questions, and most of them cannot be answered right now! As we say in the program: "more will be revealed." The best thing for you to do is to make sure you are getting some support for yourself. It sounds as if you are working real hard, and there's not a moment in the day for you. BUT, you did find time to post on here, so there is some space for YOU. You need to get your hands on some Alanon literature and start working the steps. The steps are for you, not for your A, and you will be amazed at how working the steps makes a big difference in your life. Try to get to the meetings on here. When you can, get to a face to face meeting, get some phone numbers, and find a sponsor. Some meetings even allow children to come along. My main meeting is child-friendly, for example. When you get the phone numbers, use them. Part of our disease is to try to figure everything out, and everyone is different. Your A has his own process, and his own HP, so we can't know what will happen with him.
This is a real vulnerable time for you. Keep coming back, you deserve it! We are all very glad you are here, kiwi, it helps us with our Program, too.
Blessings and prayers go out to you...
mebjk

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mebjk
debilyn


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Hi Kiwi, The question you asked about did anyone elses A jump in and stay sober, touched me.


What I have learned in alanon is, there is no use thinking about it.  I wish the A could stay on a program and be sober. The reality of relapse is very high. Does not mean they won't turn around and get back on their program though.Does not mean they won't remain on a program of sobriety for a very long time.


At some point in our learning alanon skills we find we don't think about that anymore. Becuz we cannot control it, so why wonder, or watch or wait.


For some, meetings are every day, forever. Sobriety is number one with our A on a true program. It is not just not using, that needs to change. They develop a program fit just for them, that helps with the "total" disease. Drinking is not the only symptom of alcoholism.


An A can quit dinking, but not be on a program, and be so much worse.


For instance mine got up early every day and went to his shop and drank coffee and talked to his hp and read AA lit and also made the decision that today I choose not to drink.


Besides that, he was polite, honest, did not break the law, helped others and lived a clean life.


That was all part of his personal program of recovery.


For me I love my A. I love him whether he uses or not. I would be happy if he could get back on his program, however, I do my best to love him and do what I can with him on a program or not.


I cannot live happy and always wonder if he will relapse. I take a day at a time and stick to my own program. It is not my job to judge or "watch" him. He has a horrible disease, if he had to worry about me being scared he would relapse, it would be hard on him. He worries about it enough.


When ya live with an A spouse, things won't be what most think of as normal. It does not go away just becuz they stop using. It is meetings, literature, following their program and their relationshop with their  hp, that will.


This is what makes our taking care of ourselves and focusing on our own program vital. We may have to learn to let go some, to allow them the space to work their program. Even if it means meetings every day, and them sitting there reading the big book.


I guess I want to say, if his drinking was all you fought over, what would you have fought over if he was drinking water? What behaviors did he have that were inappropriate? Ya see many of those behaviors are becuz he is an alcoholic, not only becuz he drank.


I am so glad you are here. "Getting Them Sober," is an excellent book. the first volume is the one I like best. I hope you can get it. It is amazing at explaining things.


love,debilyn


 



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lin0606


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My husband never even tried to quit drinking, never went on the wagon for more than few days to recover from the odd monstrous hangover. Then he was caught drinking on the job, and was given a choice - go into treatment, or go. He went into treatment, saying "Well, it won't hurt me to quit drinking for a bit, I'm not joining AA or anything, though...." Three days later he called me, sounding so shaken and frail - he had been going to two meetings a day, and realized he had a problem. He hasn't taken a drink since, that was three years ago this Mar 3.


Wonderful, right? Well, not really ... other personality problems surfaced, he really is an obsessive, addictive type of person. It's been a pretty dam bumpy ride, and it's not over yet. The reality is, he could start up again tomorrow. Now, though, I have my program, and I know that no matter what he does, I'LL be OK. I love him and I hope he makes it, but his sobriety is not my problem, and not my responsibility.

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nycbt


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Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.


 



            Phone number is 1-888-425-2666


Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.



  • Go face to face meeting
  • online meeting.
  • post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

·        Set up a support system. People that I can call that have helped me through good an bad times. These people do not judge me, which is very important.



  • Have a sponsor. Someone that I work one on one with.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.


 


Come to chat this is a great place to come and let people get to know you.



-- Edited by nycbt at 22:53, 2006-03-17

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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
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