The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi I'm new here and having a really difficult day. To sum it up I am the daughter of an alcoholic mother and the wife of a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for eight years. I have a major panic disorder, depression, PTSD and I am a grateful breast cancer survivor. I have been miserable and unhappy most of my adult life. I thought that once my husband got sober all of my problems would go away. Obviously this is not the case. I have isolated myself to the point that I have no friends I am living in a state that I hate due to my husband's job. I've tried recovery programs through my church but I have major trust issues and therefore I don't really open up to anyone. I realize that my situation is one that I have created myself and I am responsible for my own happiness. I am alone this weekend since my husband has taken my son back to college and I am also grieving for a dear friend of mine who passed away. The memorial is today and I was unable to attend. In addition I have a 25-year-old daughter who hasn't spoken to me in over two years and she is visiting her sister this weekend and then will be moving to Oregon. All of these events occurring on the same weekend with me being by myself is very devastating. I have just been sitting here crying and wondering why my life is such an awful mess. I really don't have anyone to talk to so I turn to this forum because I don't know what else to do
I am so glad you found us and reached out - we hear you and send the warmest welcoming (((((hugs))))))
Being isolated isn't great at the best of times, and when I have had a lot going on in my life I know that I need people even more. I completely relate to that thought that once my husband stopped drinking everything would be fine - I did that for ages, poor man! I have experienced the changes that take place in a person who lives with an alcoholic first hand. I was that person. Now I'm changing again by investing in myself and my own well-being.
When I went to my first Alanon meeting I didn't open up, I just listened and looked. I had reached a point where I was so tired and worn out and yet I met people whose situations were very like my own and they managed to look sprightly and they smiled and were kind to a stranger like me. I left that meeting with a desire to change me - I wanted to have what they were having! And that one realisation did me so much good.
We have on-line meetings here twice a day and perhaps they may be an easier way for you to listen in. I also found that reading the posts here was tremendously helpful.
Condolences on the loss of your close friend - I know that feeling of not being able to attend a memorial and it is a difficult one to go through on your own. Sharing our grief seems to help us heal I think. One of the things that has helped me through depressive episodes is to write a gratitude list. I write about the three best things of my day (that way it doesn't matter how bad the day, I just pick the best bits - whatever they might be regardless of how small they seem. Over time, those small things started to amount to something!). But I had to start small - I was exhausted!!
Alanon has helped me to find my own two feet. I am still with my husband and he has now been sober for nearly three years. I don't think that I could have survived his drinking and early recovery without Alanon and I can not begin to imagine how confusing it must be to for a child in the midst of that kind of chaos. So (((((hugs))))) to you and I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Welcome.
EmptySky, Good for you for reaching out. I am sorry to hear of your pain. It certainly sounds like it is justified, but if it helps at all it does not sound insurmountable from my perspective. It is a lot, no doubt, but you sound like a fighter to me. You're not alone. Stay strong.
Thank you for your kind words. I know I am a very strong person. I also know that I am a fighter. I am starting to feel as though I am losing my will to fight. I know it sounds crazy but because I've always been so strong the people that know me tend to leave me alone because I always find a way to get through things. I have recently told a few people that I could probably drop off the face of the earth and it would be days before anybody would notice. The first people that would notice would be my job when I wouldn't show up for work. I have lost my joy I have lost my sense of peace and I don't feel like I have a purpose in life. Dealing with this horrible disease and all of the effects it has has literally drained me. I know I need to get out in the community and force myself to interact with others but I have been hurt so badly by friends, family and people that I had trusted that I don't know if I will ever be able to open up to anyone ever again. I've been to meetings I've been to counseling I know what I'm supposed to do but the risk seems far greater than the benefit.
Welcome to MIP emptysky - so glad you found us and glad that you shared with us. I am sorry for your pain - I don't think anyone can put into words how this disease affects those of us who have lived with it or loved someone with it. The good news though - as milkwood points out - there is hope.
My experience is similar in that I arrived at Al-Anon isolated from others, angry, sad, broken and defeated. Gracious folks greeted me and had similar stories. However, they were in a much better place than I and I wanted that. The lead me to the program, the literature, the steps and towards a better way to act/react/live. I truly owe my life and joy to the program. It's not always been easy, but I remind myself at difficult times that the work is worth the rewards.
Please keep coming back and try to get out to F2F (face to face) meetings. If that's not an option, there are meetings here. If you look to the top left, you'll see the schedule and the link to the chat/meeting room. If you find nobody there, check back - all attendees are volunteer/members just like us. Reading here helps and reading at the main Al-anon website was also informative for me.
You are not alone - we're usually just a post away!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome emptysky You are not alone so please do search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. If that is too much for you then we also have online meetings here 2xs a day- That could be a start
Please do keep coming back
My memory still clearly reveals those early thoughts and feeling when I first arrive at the doors of Al-Anon. I was trying to fix myself without the tools and the plan and I simply didn't understand I needed to be with others who knew where I was at, what I was feeling and how to change that. We have a slogan "Keep it simple" and that isn't just a slogan it is also a behavior. I started by sitting in the rooms and being silent and listening with an open mind which also was an Al-Anon direction. The rooms were full of horrible stories along with stunning stories of courage and change and I could help but listen mostly at first with doubt and then awe as I also started to make minor little baby step changes. That is how the program works and I cannot describe the entire journey I have been on since that Feb 8, 1979 day...one at a time. I got my life back and then my sanity and serenity. We are not about perfection...just progress. The first clue may be in the white pages of your local telephone book under Al-Anon. Look for that "hotline number" and call it and ask where and when the nearest groups is at and then go and keep going. Keep coming back here also daily and share with us what is going on and what we have to share with others also. In love and service. ((((hugs))))
Thank you all so much for your kind words and for making me feel welcome. Ironically it was my husband he suggested that I reach out to Al-Anon. AA was instrumental in getting him sober and keeping him sober. I was actually shocked that someone who drank as much as he did was able to quit using the tools of the program. I used to go to open meetings with him but found myself getting angry and resentful towards the people that were there. I know in my head that they didn't mean to do the things that they did but somehow I can't seem to let it go. I'm just another broken person in a world full of broken people. I didn't choose to be this way and I really don't want to continue being this way. I will definitely keep coming back and when I'm ready I will seek out a face-to-face meeting in my area.
Face to face meetings are where true change happens
If you go with an open mind and just listen, learn and
Absorb all the wisdom. I sat and cried for a long time
You do not need to speak until you are ready to do so.
None of this is easy many of us come from dysfunction
And/or alcoholism then marry into it so we have a life
Time to recover from. Basically you are retraining and
reparenting yourself.
Its a spiritual program about us and our growth and
Our Changing attitudes. It takes getting humble to
become teachable. It also takes time and being gentle
With yourself. We are all imperfect humans and need
Learn To accept that and accept and love ourselves.
