The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Pinkchip's perspective on boundaries in another post was helpful to me. Makes sense that what we tolerate shows what our true boundaries are and also that what other people do or allow to happen is evidence of their boundaries.
My boundary has been to leave the room when my A falls asleep after too many drinks. He told our counselor he falls asleep after dinner when I'm not interacting with him. It is not my responsibility to keep him awake at 7 or 8 pm, and I made that clear. The next night, he acknowledged that too many drinks were making him fall asleep, and he asked me if I'd be ok with his having one glass of wine. I said that's entirely up to you. I am not in charge of what you do or don't do. I will not give or withhold permission. I don't want to be the mother/monitor. I want to be two adults together. (I do not want to be put in charge of EVERYTHING, because then I'm the bad guy and the reason he can't drink or smoke pot.) He had one glass of wine with dinner, then finished the half-bottle somehow without my seeing it.
Today, we were using his car to bring home furniture from an estate sale, and I noticed a bag had slipped onto the back floorboard. Rather than assume, I asked him about it, as it contained stuff resembling his pot stash. He reacted angrily but showed me it was nothing (empty and truly not what I'd assumed) and offered to take a drug test to prove he's not using. I felt like a heel. But I recognize that the history of lies and deception laid the groundwork for where we are today. I expressed that I'm reluctant to trust him about the pot since he told the counselor he couldn't commit to permanently stopping (he still has his stuff at his office). I said I would just like some honesty about it, and he said he didn't know if he would stop forever but he has for now. I'm working on giving this all to HP, but a friend in my F2F meeting suggested I'm in denial and should have him do the drug test, since it was his idea. (I asked for the opinion.)
I feel I'm fortunate that he hasn't hurt himself, threatened me or created legal or financial problems for us but I sometimes wonder if I should stay or go. We've been married six years this week, kids are grown, and this feels like a place I don't want to be. I know I have a lot to work on for myself. "More will be revealed" today means I learned that I'm still so suspicious. I don't feel good about that.
I am confused as to the suggestion from an alanon member that you argree to his taking a drug test There are many ways to fake a drug test and since we are powerless over people place and things as the first step suggests, I wonder what would this drug test do for you?
My ex was always offering to do a breath test. I told him I didn't want to be his parole officer. When a relationship gets to the point that drug/alcohol tests are being discussed, it suggests there's a huge history of substance abuse. The way I see it, the method for getting around the suspicion is not to use tests; it's for the user to live a clean and sober life in recovery for a genuinely sustained period of time. Since yours is unwilling to do that, you're totally justified (as I see it) in assuming that he might be drunk or using. Because that's what addicts do. You're under no obligation (as I see it) to pretend that that isn't the case and that he might be clean and sober. Unfortunately, another thing they do is lie, so asking him whether he's using doesn't produce a reliable answer. More will certainly be revealed. Take good care of yourself.
My experience is that I listen now with an open mind and try to not judge. Because I think my qualifiers should not drink or smoke pot or take pills makes no difference in their life. Even with jail, rehab, debt and more - I am the last person they want to talk to or hear things from. It is far from a perfect place to be, but the more I allow them to be who they want/need to be, the more peace I have.
I slip and worry or ask normal conversational questions, and the outcome is the same. They get angry and I feel confused/lost/sad/something negative. I also agree with Betty - it's not hard to fake a pee test. I've been asked to contribute for others as most who know me well know my pee is clean!! I have no issue saying, "No."
So - perspective - the more I can focus on me and stay on my side of the street, the more serenity I have. I fully understand wanting to have an adult conversation with a spouse, child, partner, other, but my experience....with this disease it's just not often a reality.
(((Hugs))) - keep practicing these principles, and you'll get your answers that you want/need. Just today, the thought popped into my head that loving another person should not be hard. So, I'm going to love from across the room, across the street or across the town/country if needed to make it as easy as necessary for my serenity.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have had dealings with a gentleman who I believe is an A .. I have been watching and just reflecting. Very nice man .. I enjoy his company a great deal however I do not want the drama that is attached .. so I am going to have to find a way to let him down gently.
A conversation we had today .. I am learning to state my boundary in regards to the drinking and let it go. He is aware that my X is an A and I have no desire to go back down that road .. I understand he's had a lot going on recently however his coping seems to go back to the alcohol .. is that something I can live with .. no.
So while we were texting today and he admitted to staying up to late and drinking the whole time that he was now paying the price of it all .. I just let him know one time that drinking while taking meds is not healthy for him and that's my opinion I stated it .. now it's up to me as to if I want to remain in that kind of dating relationship and honestly the answer is no. It's to easy to slide down that slippery slope and I don't want to invest time into something that I already know how it ends in terms of with no recovery. That is not to say he might not choose to stop or he might not choose to do something different .. those are his lessons not mine. That's a journey he will have to continue on his own.
My daughter made an interesting comment to me the other day in regards to the situation and said .. mom all of these A's that you have had to deal with .. maybe you aren't done with those lessons .. I was a tad horrified .. LOL .. however what she has said does make sense .. it's just I think it's more about self care and knowing I don't need to change someone for me to be ok with someone. When I say ok with someone I mean accepting them where they are at and choosing my own path.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
