Its been awhile since I posted. I have been doing a lot of detachment from active alcoholic. I went on a holiday with him (wrong idea), for 3 weeks to go home to his hometown, 5 days drive away, across the country. It was hell. I managed to get away from him when it became unbearable. I even slept in my car one night and he fell down the stairs and nearly killed himself in a house we were in. I just left him on his own. I could not tolerate another moment. I did the best I could with just leaving and not having contact with him, as he would be drunk as can be. Next day, he would be sober and act like nothing happened. It was awful. I kept remembering my al-anon tools. It saved me. Since we have returned home, its been worse then ever, the drunkenness, verbal abuse, smashing things like the door, the dresser, hitting things, grabbing the blanket and waking me up and terrorizing me. Yesterday, I left once again for the day. I came back to the house after looking for an apartment. He has smashed my fender guitar and said I stole it and he does not want it in the house ad said I had spend the night with a guy friend of his that was at the house. he says you f***d him, I am marrying my ex wife, and just going nuts. I called the woman shelter and said I could come in. The lady at the woman shelter says the red flags of abuse are there and will get dangerous and I could loose my life as he could abuse me to the point of death. She does he have mental health issues and I said yes, he talks to himself non- stop when drunk. I managed to lock myself in a bed room for the night and in the morning was banging on door demanding I give him money. I said, I am a worthless piece of shit and you should ask your ex instead. He said, I will break door down if you do not give me money. I said no and he left. He came back later with alcohol.

I grabbed a few other things and left. He has been calling and I have not responded...

Good news, I have been apartment hunting and I found a place I really, really want. Its perfect location, price, everything. I filled out an application for the unit and will know on Monday if I get it!!! I have looked and looked at apartments and even random driving around to see if find place to rent. I have been lucky, as there is a lot of places to rent, its still warm enough now to move, its august, I am safe currently, and my older sister that lives here in the city will let me stay at her place till I find an apartment. She has been supportive. I am currently in a hotel for the night just to clear my head. As well, Sister has offered me to come camping till Sunday and I have a number of other places to look at too tomorrow.

I have been praying a lot, saying god help me, god help me. God help me find the perfect place to live, god has not brought me this far to abdomen me now. God will make a way, the right place will be there..

Despite all the insanity, I am keeping positive as can be. I have also inquired about the mortgage, he is responsible for it as its in his name. 

I keep saying to myself: 

NO MY PROBLEM...not my problem how he will manage to pay the mortgage...not my problem, not my problem...he said today, there is now way anyone, not even a court order will remove him from his house...his house that has my name on title...

I keep saying, one foot in front of the other, do the next right thing..focus on today, just today...just today...

I have given up completely he will sober up. He will not do it. The last time I left it was for 2 weeks and during that time, he was a complete and utter mess. I came back of course and felt he could do sobriety. He did for 2 months after I came back until went on holiday...after one week, he got drunk and all hell broke loose again.

This looking for apartment is the same old..same old...but this time, I can not go back if he promises sobriety. Its to insane and I can not be moving in winter. He has to face his bottom what ever that looks like...

Its awesome here now, quite...

Thanks for letting me vent!