After 6 months of watching my exAbf go to treatment, relapse, be sober, relapse again and now having 3 months of sobriety under his belt, we finally are having open conversations about his disease. He will say "it's my disease talking". Maybe it's an excuse maybe it's an explaination but whatever it is, it is comforting to hear. The elephant In the room the past 10 years and now open admittance to it. I caught myself getting swept up into anxiety again tonight. He dropped something off at my place and expressed to me some things about relapsing, recognizing he doesn't have internal control over things and the anxiety he felt about a conversation he was going to have that he anticipated would get escalated emotions which is one of his triggers. I felt the need to take away his hurt, mask it with jokes and make sure he let me know he was ok. But I also just asked him who he was going to call when he felt out of control. To me this was a huge thing, of course I wanted him to call me but also was so proud to hear him say "and my sponsor" while I have a pit in my gut right now because I haven't heard from him, thinking about what if our conversation led him to feeling more anxiety and then drank. But I can't control that and even if he did drink, it's not my fault. Detaching from his behaviors has been the hardest thing. Knowing that I still love him and yet both him and I saying tonight he needs to figure out him before he can even start to work on the relationships. Watching him grow, it's makes me proud. Letting him find his way and letting go of being his safety net makes me proud of me. And talking about the hard stuff that we both always tip toed around made me proud of "us" Baby steps ...