The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm really struggling. Been separated for 3 years. My husband left me for a younger woman who he works with. I know he doesn't deserve me and that I deserve better. He is an alcoholic who is about 90 days sober. I acted like a nut for too long after I found out he was cheating. I was totally blindsided, scared and incredibly hurt. I suppose I still am. I thought I was doing better, got into a great groove raising my kids alone. Well now that he's sober he is spending more time with the kids. He just got back from a trip with my 6 year old. I was genuinely happy that they got to spend time together. Then he showed up to drop him off, he wasn't in his vehicle, he must have been in hers. I was nervous and I just started talking asking where his vehicle was and so funny that he was driving a car I used to have and he got frustrated with me, he said the person who had his truck needed it to move and i asked if he was moving, said I hoped he wasn't moving farther from the kids. He got incredibly angry with me, started saying that I'm crazy. The whole thing left a horrible feeling in my gut. In trying to create normal conversation and my nerves I just couldn't stop talking and it hurts that he thinks I'm nuts. I honestly do not know how to deal with even these small interactions. I thought I was over the hump! I thought I was coping well! I thought I was over him!! I just don't know how to get through this! I'm still not good with watching him drive away. Ugh. I feel like I'll never be able to deal with him on a normal level, we were together for 14 years, 2 kids, separated for 3 years and still not divorced. I'm not sure why it hurts me so much that he calls me crazy. I feel lost and weak and that I'm not good enough all over again. How do I stop doing this to myself?
Alanon face to face meetings, the Steps and a sponsor will help you to develop new constructive tools that wiil enable you to validate yourself and redefine your self esteem
Please know you are not alone and there is hope.
Al-Anon is what worked for me also and then by controlling me thoughts, feelings and action so that I got well my relationship with my alcoholic/addict also changed. The program isn't a cure-all and it does help me to not be so negatively affected when things do go my way. We heard part of your story at our meeting this evening and the gal who spoke of it is detaching very well from the reactions she use to have with her alcoholic who is fitting another woman into his life and crazy speaking to her also.
The face to face rooms are amazing and you can learn where they are, if you haven't already by calling the hotline number in your local telephone book un Al-Anon.
Me three - engaging in the program gave me a much healthier obsession than my qualifier(s). Whenever my mind would drift or I felt fear, uncertainty, sadness, etc. I picked up literature, the phone, a slogan - I had to do things differently than I had before to get different results. Meetings were a huge blessing in the beginning and still are!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Being gentle with myself helped, acknowledging that I had been hurt, I'd been through a lot and that my world-view had shifted. I needed time and kindness to recover. Knowing that I wasn't the joyful happy person that I had been before the hurt helped me because I wanted to get back to feeling like myself again. I had to knuckle down and work at setting aside negative thoughts about myself. Alanon has helped me to learn about setting the boundaries that I need for me and has given me tools to not take other people's opinions of me too personally.
It is perfectly understandable to feel all those fears and insecurities coming up again when a trigger takes place. I have noticed that they do get lighter though, especially when I am doing things that make me feel good about myself. ((((Hugs))))
