The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My thoughts may be scattered so please bare with me. I have been doing so much thinking. First of all, my husband went one whole day clean yesterday and I was very proud of him. It's the first day he's gone completely clean, without marijuana or the other drugs in five years. I am trying not to get my hopes up and trying very hard to remind myself not to have any expectations. This morning he called me and asked me to meet him in a while so I can give him some money for lunch. He has asked me to never give him more than $20.00 at a time. I asked his therapist about me controlling his money and if that would hurt him in the long wrong. She said that it was okay as long as he was asking me to do it and I wasn't doing it to try to control him or his addiction. She said that he knows what some of his triggers are and one of them is having money in his pocket. He asked me to go with him tomorrow to pick up his paycheck. I know there will come a day soon when e picks it up on his own to test himself. I am trying not to worry about that day. Another thing I have realized is that he has to focus on Just For Today.
I have to focus on Just For Today also. For today he is clean and willing to work his program. For that I am grateful. I have to keep my head in today because this is the only day I can do something about. I can't worry about whether or not he drops out of the program in the future, if he relapses six months from now or if he'll work his recovery program. For today I will not try to control or manipulate his addiction. I will however, give him support while he is working at this. I will not help when it is not asked for.
My husband brought home the name of a marriage counselor yesterday and asked me if I would go with him. I told him I would. As hard as it will be, we will try to strengthen our marriage together. I believe he should focus on his recovery first, but he wants to do this as well. I am learning, it is so very hard, but I am trying to apply what I am learning to all areas of my life and not just my husband.
Yesterday evening was very hard for me. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I just sat and cried for a few minutes. I miss my daughter so very much. Her father won't let me talk to her on the phone or see her. It hurts so much. I feel as if my heart has truly broken and an elephant was sitting on my chest. I am turning it over to my HP and know he will handle things as he sees fit. I am having trouble knowing the difference between doing my part and interfereing with His plan, so I am praying about it a lot. My attorney said that I can go up there and just take her. The problem is that I can't take her as long as she is standing on his property. I would be arrested for trespassing. Please pray for my daughter's return home.
Wow, you are doing great! ODAT. I'm sure you miss your daughter and is hard to have to choose. Things will work out, they have so far. Did you ever dream you would have gotten this far?
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
You are in my prayers. I identify with Just for Today... I as well tell myself everyday that I am releasing my "a's" addiction to my HP. It feels good to say that's none of my business and what you do with your money is your business. I believe eventually one day he will wake up and realize that he has spent so much money and time on alcohol. I myself feel empowered just understanding and knowing in my spirit that its not my place to make him see the light on his addiction or anything else in his life for that matter. My "a" has a great deal of guilt and pain, especially now, I don't try and make him feel better about it because he needs to sit with that pain and come to some hard realizations for himself. You sound like you are doing a great job at detaching, I'll continue to pray for your recovery and your husband's.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Wow so much to be going through!! It must be so hard to be without your daughter, but you are right to turn her and the situation over to your HP. Just keep praying!!!
