The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I always feel like I'm being taken advantage of, not only by my AD, but also my other children. Does anyone else feel like the only time they hear from someone is for money or a favor? Unfortunately my sponsor died a couple of months ago. I would be talking to her about this.
I can understand these feelings too. Being affected by alcoholism often means we accept unacceptable behaviour. I loved learning about boundaries and that I could say no or could do my own thing without feeling guilty or obligated to others.
I went through a phase of doing that and spent a bit of time wondering why no one stepped in and gave me treats or created a lovely surprise! I am that person who gives up their seat if an extra person arrives at the table, and I have been all my life. In fact my school emblem was a pelican - a strange choice for an english school. We were told that they used the pelican because legend had it that a pelican would tear off its own flesh to feed its chicks. Can you imagine, a whole school of enablers?!
Anyway, for years and years none of this was a problem for me because I do like to give. But then life got a bit tougher on many different levels, including my mother passing away and I started to feel worn out. I felt a bit lonely and sorry for myself which is something I've always avoided in my life and I focused too much on negatives. I didn't like myself much in that role so I figured that I had to give to myself for a while. I learnt to say no to people who tried to take more from me than they gave. Keeping a balance helped me to avoid feeling resentful. I also learnt to gift myself whatever it was I needed to feel better about life and my role in it and gradually I am feeling my generosity and energy coming back.
I am sorry that your sponsor has died, that must be difficult for you, so thank you for reaching out to us - I hope it helps you to share here as much as I find it helps me.
Sending warmest (((((hugs))))) and take care of yourself.
helpless mom- I can relate completely. I have 2 children, and they both inherited this disease. Beyond that, try as I might, they have become part of the 'me generation' and are very entitled. I only hear from them when they want/need something. I've gotten pretty good about setting boundaries, and they know I won't give money and other assorted poor planning items (ride, last minute child care, etc.)
Because of the boundaries and my No answers, I saw on of my boys for about 1 hour today - first time in 6-8 weeks. I've not seen my older son but maybe 2-3 times since Christmas. They both live within 5-6 miles of me. I would see them more if I were willing to be used and drop everything to rescue, but that wore me out and made me bitter. My youngest is actually better about staying in touch but his contact still has to do with a want/need most of the time.
I have filled my life with positive people, energy, meetings, activities, etc. I may be a grand-ma but I have a young spirit so I just go/do and figure I will learn to quilt when I can't any longer. I hope with maturity comes some belief in them that family matters. As of today, it does not to them and from discussions with others, this is a common theme of the millennium generation. They would rather be glued to electronics that with people, and they stay in touch that way vs. face to face.
I too am so sorry about your sponsor. My hope is you'll find another soon enough - she would want that for you. Keep coming back here too - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
