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It has been awhile since I have been on Al-anon. Revisiting my past it seems, which is still so much a part of me. Just wanted to give an update I guess and hear from you all. I have been doing well and after leaving my ex boyfriend who drank in November, I am healing back to my old self and met someone new after 5 years of pure agony. woohoo!! I read a book all weekend at home by myself. I am truly feeling peace in my life for the first time in SUCH A LONG TIME. On another note, the only reason I feel free now is due to the fact that I finally gave up all hope he would stop drinking! I was devastated over finding out the horrible things he did drunk while we were apart last year. He hid this as he moved in with me and "made plans for our future while attending meetings." (which didn't last). He was in a rough spot having lost all his friends and when I found out why he was so willing to go to AA and move in with me I just felt lied to, abused, and used. He also admitted that if roles were reversed and I had taken those actions drunk he would have never spoken to me again.
I thank God for that devestating situation though because it catapulted me to take a plane to CA to get a temporary place, make new friends and finally date someone decent which I did. I just have been making moves! I felt a fire under my butt to get up, and discontinue catering to his drunk & selfish behavior anymore. So far so good but I am just having to consciouly keep myself from flat out hating sometimes. I have repressed feelings and reactions to being outright abused for five entire years. I even more so realize it now that I have someone who doesn't have addiction issues treating me wonderfully, sending me flowers, loving every moment with me. I have felt embarrassment in front of everyone that I stayed that long, to deep sadness that love we had was shit all over by his beer, to outright hoping Karma is real, to crying occasionally about losing him to booze. I was told this is all part of the healing process. My loved ones have told me despite that I am constantly changing for the better everyday and have done a 180 since we broke up. I am starting to feel like the old me again!
He sent me a letter finally after 5 years of trying to make me feel responsible, taking full responsibility for everything and not asking that I get back together but consider letting him just apologize in person. He called me of which I screamed some things at him which actually made me feel amazing and that was that. I didn't prioritize his letter, or feelings like I used to. It honestly didn't mean anything to me anymore after giving up ALL HOPE of him getting sober. . I used to pray to be able to do that in the past. I had just had enough and was ready for a new chapter in life!
When I finally put myself out there, to make friends, date, and to have NEW life experiences I found them without having to go too far. Turns out, a happy life was always there in front of me.. I was just so shut down with my alcoholic that i could not get out of the funk he had us both buried in. I cut out the world. I know someone will read this who is doing this now, and you can and will come out of it! Now I am trying to heal. Any positive sayings? Or little things I can focus on that you can offer me on this road to recovery I will use and appreciate. Thanks for listening:)
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Monday 1st of August 2016 08:32:47 PM
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Monday 1st of August 2016 08:34:01 PM
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Monday 1st of August 2016 08:36:20 PM
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
I specifically want to add that recently, I have just become peaceful enough to be able to sit down and pray again. I would like to practice forgiveness, but have never had to in a situation like this. How did you forgive? I know it does not mean taking them back, but to forgive FOR ME. If that makes sense. I feel a bit blocked there and it would help me move on with my life easier if I could just do it.
Thank you Hotrod
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Monday 1st of August 2016 08:40:43 PM
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
Hey there giraffe - great to see you again and welcome back! I too appreciate your update and am glad you are working it and feeling the recovery in action. I had some deep resentments and finally just got sick of carrying them around. My sponsor who was told by her sponsor and probably told by her sponsor - you get the way this stuff works - told me to pray for that person/s every day for 2 weeks. Pray for them to be blessed and for me to be changed. So - my abbreviated serenity prayer - Bless Them, Change Me - became Bless XXXXXX, Change me.
It does work and Debb had a great quote on her signature that spoke to me often - "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Keep working it and keep coming back!! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Giraffe in order to get to "Forgiveness" I had to first become wiling to let go of my anger and resentment in Step 6 , I did so because I saw how these destructive, negative feelings were only hurting me and i was then willing to let them go. HP lifted them as well as my tendency to judge and blame others. Once I was free from these defects, "forgiveness "was possible and desirable , Trust the process.
I am glad you are able to pray again as that is a powerful tool-- I find myself using it as I walk around the city --before i would walk around reviewing all my anger and disappointments-- prayer is better:)
Keep coming back
Thank you both for your advice. I needed a starting point on this part of the journey and that gave me one, plus some reminders I heard awhile ago when I could not really appreciate them yet b/c I was not ready for them. I was told to pray for the person I am trying to forgive. I really do like that saying, because in the end, it destroys my inner peace and I don't like the days where I feel anger. Or the moments I see something that reminds me of a bad memory with him & I feel that frustration ooze over me.
I started the day I wrote this post reviewing the things I am grateful for the moment I open my eyes in the morning, and I thank God for my life. That is helping so far. I guess all forgiveness is truly rooted in just being willing to let go of anger and start something different.
Thanks again:)
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
Great processing and awareness