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I posted this as a thread of my intro post, but realized it might better serve as a solo thread lol.
AH was caught for his first DUI on Tuesday. I've been dealing with some pretty intense emotions, anger, embarrassment, resentment, and frustration. I've told him while I happily support his seeking help and love him still, I'm not in the best space to be his 'helium balloon of positivity and love'.
He came home last night from a long day at work and told me he has an appointment with a counselor on Monday and is attending an AA meeting with his uncle on Tuesday. His uncle has been in recovery for 10 years and understands this road. We were watching a movie, but I'm still upset and didn't feel like snuggling on the couch, although I expressed my support over his getting help with happiness. He's frustrated I'm still mad and wants me to get over it and get to a constructive place so we can work through this together. I explained that my frustration and anger was because of my life being affected by something I didn't do. (And yes there is frustration that even though I've mentioned my concerns about his drinking for years, now he decides to do something after things are so messed up.)
When we went to bed he was still irritated by my anger and unwillingness to cuddle and make him feel better. (mostly he is mad that he can't do anything to make me not upset until I've processed and got there myself.) He said, 'you know, you're not making this any easier.' Without thinking I responded, 'maybe it shouldn't be.' He got really mad and packed a bag to go stay the night on his boat, telling me 'you know, I deserve better.'
All I could think was, 'yeah, and I do too.'
The thing is I keep expecting this anger to turn to tears, it usually does as part of the cycle of emotions. But, nothing. No tears, just burning anger and stubbornness in my chest. Through my work in mindfulness and meditation practice I've worked to meet myself as I am, greet in acceptance and not judge where I am, and trust my processes. I see and recognize the feelings I'm having and need too respect that. I think both he and I need support right now and I won't do us any favors if I ignore my needs/feelings just to see his are being met. Don't know how long he'll be gone or when I will feel like being close and happy again. I asked for patience last night, but I don't think he can give that to me right now.
Going to fit some lovingkindness meditation in my day today.
Hi LadyM, I do understand those feelings of anger and frustration. When I was in a similar situation, my life affected by something I didn't do, I learned in the Alanon program about detachment with love ... and I felt that I might be able to detach, but I didn't see how I would ever get to the "with love" part. I was so angry.
A couple of things I heard helped me reframe my thinking. One was "You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." I don't think that's an official Alanon slogan, but this next one is ... "Progress, not perfection." I learned that it was OK to be patient with myself. Even though my current mindset was not ideal, as long as I continued to listen and learn from my Alanon friends, there was hope for me to make progress towards a better state of mind.
I also came to believe that when my late AH expressed anger towards me, he was actually angry at himself. And I realized he was not in his right mind due to alcoholism. That helped me take it less personally.
I love your meditation idea. I heard a great thing recently at an Alanon speaker meeting ... "Prayer is talking to God, and meditation is listening." It sounds like you have a great plan for taking care of yourself ... it will work, one day at a time.
Detach...that "I deserve better" thing made me roll my eyes. His "plans" and projected path to get help mean little til he lives sober. Yeah...he "deserves better"....from himself. It's not even about you. It's about his alcoholism. Time will tell how much he latches on to AA and takes responsibility. Sounds like he has a ways to go. Not that I suggest an argument or stating this, but there is an AA meeting EVERY day. Why not yesterday...today? Why does he need an escort? You have reason to be skeptical and his actions have shown and still are showing that.
As for you, I think you did well not owning his guilt and frustration. Those are his...consequences of his actions. Keep up with alanon. You sound like you have some of the tools already which is impressive.
I am one who just has to go to any lengths to release anger and all that comes with it. It just harms me - when I hold onto resentments, anger, what ifs, etc. it interrupts any messages coming my way from God through program people, him, meditation and prayer.
Detaching with or without love is one tool I go to as fast as I can. Remembering that the past can't be changed and projection wastes even more of my brain cells helps me stay present in the moment. Letting others deal with their own messes was so hard for me. I am a fixer by nature so at times, I felt like I was sitting on my hands. I used to 'act as if' I wasn't crazy with anger, etc. and go to safe places, like here or meetings to vent.
I agree with pinkchip - there are AA meetings every day for those who want/need them. My qualifiers are big on saying what I want to hear and then doing something different or contrary. I truly have had to let go and just let God, and pretty much rely on actions vs. words. As I understand this disease from personal experience, I believe that they believe they are sincere - I've just learned (finally) to look for an alignment between actions and words.
My hope is you take good care of you today and take any path you can to reduce your anger and frustration! There is help and hope always in the fellowship of Al-Anon!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Watching a person get a DUI is very hard. Whether it is a partner, brother, sister, etc. But, they need to own their mistake. If they do not nothing will change. Take care of you.
He sure wants those consequences to be minimized. Thinking that people "shouldn't" be angry about someone's alcoholism is not really acknowledging how it impacts other people. You are under no obligation to hide its effect on you. Keep taking good care of yourself.
