The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to this and need answers so here goes. My wife drinks everyday until she goes to bed. On work days she starts as soon as she gets home from work and on her days off she usually starts between 2-4 pm. She is high functioning and is not abusive but her personality changes and I don't like the drinking her. She usually just drinks and sits in front of the tv. I was an occasional drinker but due to health reasons no longer drink. When we met all of our friends thought we were perfect for each other. She still had an unhealthy relationship with her ex from 10 years previous who was in another relationship that I was leery of and I told her I was not interested in baggage. All of her friends told me not to worry because she was crazy about me and the ex would soon disappear. They were right and I thought we would live happily ever after. She was always a social drinker and would drink some after work. Over the past 10 years that has increased to having many drinks daily. It started getting worse when the industry she is in began having a lot of layoffs. She has struggled to stay employed and we've had to move several times with each job paying less than the one before. She had also started having health problems and put on a lot of weight and is depressed about that. I also became disabled. We rarely fuss and have both been supportive of each other's struggles and are both generally nice and caring. Due to moving and health issues we no longer have the friends or social life we once had. We both have family but we are the strong ones in those relationships. We never ask others for help or talk about our problems. I find myself angry at her and I feel alone so I talked to her recently about her drinking problem and how I felt about it. She told me she has been a heavy drinker in the past. She told me she would stop when she was ready and it has to be her idea. I have been in relationships with addictive behaviors before and left them once I realized. I did a lot of work on myself and was in a good place. This one blind sided me. I thought we were two healthy people who had our acts together. Now she seems to be a very unhappy person. All I can think about is that when I met her she was happy and now she is miserable so it must somehow be my fault. I know that is classic but that's how I feel. I don't know what to do or where to go with all of this. I'm not sure how to live with her drinking. Thank you for reading.
Hi Welcome I suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. Living with this dreadful disease of alcoholism we each become affected by the insanity and need the support of a recovery group in order to recover Alanon is that program Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages.
Learning new tools to live by as we keep the focus on ourselves is a true gift we give to ourselves.
Welcome to MIP Searching Lady! Glad you found us and glad that you shared. I also encourage you to attend Al-Anon. She is right that she has to want to change/get sober/get happy and you can't fix that. One of the first things I heard in Al-Anon was the Three Cs - we did not cause this, we can not control this and we can not cure this.
Alcoholism is a family disease, and everyone is affected - even if/when the alcoholic says that aren't causing any issues for anyone! Our thinking becomes distorted and our self-worth and self-esteem usually tanks. I found my joy and serenity returned as I began working the program and using the tools.
There is help and hope no matter what another person is/is not doing. Keep coming back - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene