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Hello friends. I am just tired this week. Working extra hours as I've been home alone for the week as my son is traveling and the bf took his kids on a summer trip, as well.
I am feeling overwhelmed with worry and fear about my financial situation. I have too much debt from credit cards and a car loan that I took with me from my marriage. I have to pay for 1/2 of my son's private school tuition which equates to $8000. The debts I have are equal to my yearly salary.
I've saved about $600 a month by moving in with my boyfriend, but that's not enough. I took my ex to court last week to enforce him paying for 1/2 of the schooling as he was refusing to do so and the judge ordered that he pay so at least I'm not paying the whole $16K, for which I am grateful.
But, I'm still overwhelmed because my son is not showing any signs of being able to provide for himself in the future, nor will he have the academic skills to complete a 4 year university degree. I have no idea how I will launch him and help him over the next 4-7 years. I have been going back and forth with his school about homeschool classes and managing his transcript for his senior year. He's basically at a 9th grade level academically and that is where he may always be. He has cognitive delays that affect his ability to think with logic and the ADHD/Tourette's mix doesn't help him much either. He struggles to deal with his alcoholic father and I try to cut him slack because I know how hard it is but I also know I'm not doing him any favors by making excuses for him or by making the path easier. He will have to face life. What would happen to him if I were to die soon in a car accident or from illness.....will he be prepared for life because I surely can't count on my XAH to help him. I'm tired. Some days I wish I wasn't a mom. Some days I wish I had a normal kid who could process information properly and just get through school....just one damn thing.....without a struggle. I feel like God gave him a raw deal. Learning disabilities, the Tourettes, a codependent mother and an alcoholic father. He often says that he feels like the odds are stacked against him and it worries him. I try not to let him see my fears and I encourage him to just do the next right thing. But, it's hard. And, I'm really hurting today.
I have no career path. My company won't pay for me to test for my licensing exams so I am, once again, thinking of moving on to a new job but I'm sort of pigeon holed into an upper level administrative position at this point. My bf wants to see me come to work for his company as a financial advisor and just bust my rear end for 2-3 years and then if it doesn't work out or becomes too much for me, I can take my licensing and go work for a larger wire house like Schwab or USAA or Mass Mutual, Fidelity, etc. I like his idea but I know it will require my full time devotion and with everything going on with my son, I feel torn. When I took my exams back in my 20s, I wasn't a mom yet. I didn't have the distractions and responsibilities I have now. Life is more complicated. I'm not sure I feel confident in my ability to build a business right now but it's my only shot at doubling my income within the next year or else I'll be stuck where I'm at.
I've only been back in the work force for a year now. Maybe I need more time, but my finances really don't allow me to take 'time' right now. I feel pressure, mostly from myself, to figure this all out and do it soon. My savings won't last much longer than the next year and I hate seeing it dwindle and decline.
I refuse to allow a man to provide for me or for me to be reliant on someone else financially. I did that once and it was a HUGE mistake. I need to learn how to be self sufficient.
And, I have this terrifying fear that if I can't help pay for my share of the bills with my bf, that I will have to move out and find cheaper digs. He just asks that I pay my fair share which is still less than what I was paying while I was on my own. I truly have a lot of fear that needs to be addressed. I just do my best to turn it over to God and let Him guide me but I also know that I can't stay stagnant. I must move forward.....I just wish that the path was more cut and dried than what I'm seeing before me. Right now I see doom and gloom and fear.....UGH.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
That is a lot of worries and fears, no wonder your tired. It seems to me there is a lot of good things in your post too. Your saving money each month, thats big. Your sons away travelling, thats great, doesnt sound like a poor miserable boy to me. Your working, another good, you've got someone who cares for you in your life to share it with you, the ups and downs.
Your son is most likely on par with his peers at that age as for showing signs they can be independant, it often is not in their interest to show these signs to Mum who may very well stop mothering them.lol. Thats my experience anyway. Maybe your sons not going to be a businessman, so what, whats great about businessmen. Maybe he will work in a low paid job but still be happy. Who knows? Your in the what ifs with all of this. What if....it actually turns out better than you could ever imagine?
Also, what makes you the one that should be in control of so much? Your son, with his shortcomings and assets has his own path to walk, his own journey. Why feel sorry for him really? he has a terrific Mother, a new family who care about him. So his Dads an alcoholic, could be worse!! Try giving him his dignity and dont buy into his poor mes. You might help him get some self belief and confidence.
Your financial situation is similar to mine, a bit of a mess, lol. Whats the worst that can happen? I wont go holidays, I wont be able to buy clothes as often, I wont be able to run my car as often, I wont be out on the town as often. Sometimes our higher power is getting us to a place of stillness to allow us to grow and hear what we need to.
Im at the stage in my recovery where Im trying to let go of all of it and truly trust that im right where I should be. If i lose it all then thats as much a gift as the getting it all. Its not easy but im trying.
I keep thinking of the slogans, Easy does it, let go and let God. remeber you only have these 24 hours, the rest is not yours yet so why worry about it? Your squeezing out the joy, go get some joy.x
I understand the worries about a child who doesn't learn the same way as everyone else (or what we think of as everyone else in the traditional model of school). My son, for different reasons, was never very successful with school and also struggled with depression. He never got a 4-year degree, but did get technical certifications -- first culinary, then computers. I tried very hard not to push (and this was SO hard and I sometimes failed at not pushing), but just kind of stood by his side as he went through the winding path of finding something that worked for him. I often thought of myself as like a "therapy dog," just sat there by him offering moral support and resources, trying not to keep pounding a square peg into a round hole.
Now at 29 he is in a technical job that is a good fit for him, moved to another city for a job opportunity, and is closing this weekend on the purchase of his first home. I never would have believed it, but higher powers knew better.
Breathe, just breathe girl. I believe you need to truly stop, pause and look at things with your Al-Anon tools/program - pray for the fear to be removed. I have a niece who has what your boys has - without alcoholism. She did go on to finish her 4 year degree, and then found a job in her field.
Both of my boys are considered "Gifted". They were tested in elementary school. There is controversy about the term, the proper education path, etc. but the statistics suggest that even though they are blessed with incredible intelligence, most do not finish high school. God does have this and I had to watch and worry if either of mine would finish high school as they both inherited alcoholism. They did - one is in college and the other works full time cooking pizza.
I believe as a mom we have this 'vision' of how it could/should be. For each obstacle, we gather fear. We allow it to mount up and almost project the worse case scenario for our children. We 'see' them as we 'model' them. So, if we coddle, enable, etc. they show us immaturity, instability, etc. I was panicked when I put my sons out for using in my home after treatment and they both did go to jail. But as I sit here and type, they are both alive and independent and happy - so they say.
At the end of the day, I only wanted them to be happy, healthy and whole. They are headed that way with a few curves and twists in their journey, but this program has taught me that it is their journey, not mine. They both owe us $$, but neither asks any more for it and we pay no bills for them. They are 22 and 24 and have this disease, the gifted label and also MH issues.
In my community beyond the school system, we have an agency that supports any person with special needs. For youth (under 18), they provide life skills training, resume and job skills training and life planning. Having a professional sit with your son (without you in the room) would give him the opportunity to dream and share what HE wants his life to be/look like. Perhaps there is similar in yours? I do know that the support changes when they turn 18 w/o an IEP/IDP so research soon.
I had my boys later than I planned, so always tried to prepare them as if I might be gone one day. They have always had phone numbers of others I trust to assist them without enabling them - none are family. The also have phone numbers of all family - and they know how to get a job, work at a job, get fired from a job, grocery shop, pay bills, do taxes, etc. Those to me were important - the rest comes from experience.
So - back to you - breathe, pause, use the program and trust God. Your boy has a great momma who needs to take care of herself. He will be and do just fine - mine never showed how much they learned until they had to....my oldest has even suggested that his mother taught him how to be a man!!! (not sure if this is a good thing or not - but it is what it is!)
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Sounds like you are wishing a lot of things to happen all at once.... seriously what are you going to get out of full force worrying? Craziness and insanity. Think about the good things your son has in his life...he's not on the streets, he has a mother who loves him and now he has a male role model. Even if the model is not perfect, he is now seeing how it looks when a man and a woman love one another. Chill Andro and turn that worrying time into praying and meditating time, get a grip woman the best part of life is yet to come. "There should never be a wishbone where a backbone oughta be!
Lin, I don't know who Andro is but I like what you had to say. I have a grip......most of the time, haha. I just wish my creditors didn't have a grip on my finances, lol.
My son had to fly home yesterday by himself. My mom dropped him off at the curb and he took care of getting himself through the airport and to the gate, and there were delays and flight cancellations all over the country so he texts me, "Hey, I may not make it on the plane today....."
I freak out: What? Call your grandmother and have her come back to the airport so you don't have to sleep there. What's going on? I see storms on the east coast!
He says, "Chill, mom. I'm on the plane. We were delayed but I'm on now."
ARGH.....he thought he was being funny.
Apparently they got people on planes alright and then made about 20 planes sit on the runways waiting to take off. I think he sat for over an hour before they even took off and he said the woman next to him was reading her Bible because of all the lightning and storms around. He said it was the worst turbulence he had ever experienced on a plane. He gets off the plane in Phoenix and manages to run into friends at the airport, go figure, and I see him chatting away in baggage claim.
He's a good kid. He's just going to have to find his path a different way than most and I guess that's an OK thing. I keep forgetting that I can't fit a square peg into a round hole.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Andromeda - this points so clearly to my own experience. When left to their own devices, they can manage. It sounds like he did a fantastic job of managing a crazy day that was well beyond anyone's projections/control. I say YAY to you both that when faced with an obstacle, he performed EXCELLENTLY!!!
(((Hugs))) - sorry about those silly creditors - the added burden of financial stress never, ever helps clear my brain. That is one area that makes me always more anxious - and one that I've had to turn over to my HP. Most of my worries about $$ have to do with projecting - and we know that's not a good way to process.
Have a lovely Friday!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I thought the same thing as Freetime mentioned. 4 year degree at university isn't for everyone, and there are very good jobs, and some with a lot of shortages, in technical fields, because everyone else is thinking that 4 year degree is the way to go.
Isn't it cool that he could go through delays at the airport and just roll with it, enough that he kept his sense of humor when he texted you? I know more "mature" folks that can't handle airport delays, sounds like he's good with it.
You are doing well. Teenage years are frenetic. I've got a 16-year-old, I know
I just had a phone call with my mom. I'm back to being overwhelmed. I had a bad meeting with my boss on Friday, where she basically said I'm not being efficient enough. I think she just has unrealistic expectations but she's the boss, you know?
And, my mom was concerned about my son's ADHD. My son was out at the farm with her for 2 weeks and she said all the same concerns I myself have, as well as my bf's concerns, and my XAH's concerns. My son plays with his hair, is obsessed with it and constantly touches it. His Tourette's tics are bothersome as well. She said that he can't follow more than 2 sentences of instructions and that he needs to be shown things more than once. Yep, I knew all of that as well.
My son wants to try ADHD meds, but those meds will make his tics worse to some degree; we just don't know how much until we try. She said he also is too agreeable and will just say OK or Yes to anything, which we both attribute to his dealing with my overbearing XAH and my son learned that arguing or defending himself was futile, so he would just say OK or agree in some way. It made his life easier.
I have no idea where to start in getting him help. I plan on calling the school district next week to see about testing and then calling his therapist to help us find someone to meet with him and get him on meds.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
(((Hugs))) girl - just breathe! It looks like you have a plan and perhaps that's all you are to do today! Stay present and I'm sending you prayers and positive thoughts!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((Andromeda)) My niece has a 20 year old autistic child who is not agreeable and is very difficult to handle. She is now seeking and receiving support from many agencies that are available for testing and treatment. You are following the right path.
As for the job, if your boss put her concerns in writing I would review them and answer with an action plan of my own and address her concerns. I will not hurt.
I am new here and sorry to hear of your struggles. I know of someone who used Rhythmic Movement Training for her son and it almost completely eliminated the symptoms of his autism. Thought it was worth mentioning. Best of luck.
Betty, my boss never does this via email and a half hour after she gets on my case, she acts like she's my best friend and comes over to my desk all smiling and happy and thanking me for bringing in the donuts a few days prior. It's weird and confusing to me.
One day at a time.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
That would be mind-boggling for me too....Hang in there girl - I believe the answers will come!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I agree breathe and give what you can over to HP and listen to your HP's guidance.
Sometimes I am my own worst enemy especially when it comes to the issue of being alone with my thoughts. I can focus on everything that is overwhelming me and coming down on me at the same time.
This too shall pass, give the kid a break and yourself as well you do not know what HP's plan is for that child and worrying about it is not going to move a rock in the situation.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thanks SRUS, I know that. I just hyper focus on stuff these days, lol.
And, Milkwood, I truly thank you. I'm planning on getting in to the office early today and do my best to see exactly what she's talking about when he claims I'm being inefficient!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
you know I was going to suggest that in moments like this I have to focus on the here and now, while making sure I take it a min a time sometimes looking at even 24 hours is way to overwhelming.
You have a great support team behind you make sure you are using it and stop beating yourself up.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Make it a great day Andromeda - you have this! Take your HP & program with you....and know we're here if/as needed!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I can relate my 8 year old has issues and sometimes I feel very frustrated with the situation. I had to file for bankruptcy while in college so I could afford to live on my own. I wonder if that could be an option, or talking with your boyfriend about helping you. I am sorry things get so rough at times. Starting over is not easy, but you have come a long way. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
The bf has helped a bit just by having us live here, but I pay my share here. He wants me to sell my car and drive his older vehicle for a while, which would save me about $400 month between car payment and insurance. Combining food costs and other expenses have helped a bit but not as much as I thought.
Life is expensive. I'm overwhelmed constantly and my bf wants me to take this huge leap of faith and believe in my ability to be a financial advisor. I'd definitely increase my income by 50% right off the bat, but maintaining it might be difficult if I fail or can't convert clients or do a poor job with communicating and managing a business on my own.
His thought process is that even if I fail, I will at least have experience and will have my securities licensing to help me move to a more suitable higher paying job.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I think your bf has it right with the career advice. I know you will be awrsome as a financial advisor. I also feel like fear is the only thing holding you back, and in those cases (for you and most the reat of us) when you challenge the fear and plunge ahead and just do your best...you will succeed...results will be positive. That is already your track record in terms of working through scary challenges based on my observation of you over 6 years!
Thanks you guys for reminding me: What happens if I don't fail?
Well, I'll tell you what the first 6 months-1 year will be brutal. I'm just not sure I'm cut out for it. Door to door sales and getting names, following up on leads, calling and probing people about investment goals and their assets....UGH!
But, on the other hand, I love to talk about people's finances with them. I love to help people figure out where they're bleeding money and where they could save and encouraging them to invest, even if it's only $10 a month. I want to help people with their financial goals because I think a lot of people are ignorant towards what they will need in retirement and just how expensive their care and health expenses will be.
My bf keeps asking me, "How do you eat an elephant Bonnie? One bite at a time!" Yes, and I live my life one DAY at a time so that all makes sense to me. I was up early the other AM worrying about my son and my job future. The bf woke and sat with me, held me, encouraged me, and just kept reminding me that I don't have to take it all on at one time. He's a good man and he truly is my rock!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
