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I found out for sure that my adult daughter is drinking again. I'm in total shock because she was doing so well. She has been going to meetings and talking regularly to her sponsor. She lives in another state and I need some advice. Should I confront her and tell her I want nothing to do with her anymore? Or just let her continue on this path again and not say anything? I personally have been through hell and back many many times with this girl. After 4 rehabs, she seems back where she started. I've detached pretty well, but after almost 3 years of sobriety, I guess I've gotten too comfortable. I thought she was cured and would never touch alcohol again. Thoughts?
-- Edited by helpless mom on Tuesday 26th of July 2016 11:40:58 PM
Hi Helpless mom I am so sorry. I have experienced a similar disappointment concerning my son and I know how hard this is.
. Alanon meetings, talking to my sponsor, helped me to come to terms with the disease and make a decision to simply express my feelings about the drinking without destroying the relationship.
There is a reading in the ODAT that suggests that the alcoholic is just as upset over relapse as is the family, I needed to keep remembering that this is a disease and not take the actions personnelyl.
I too have been down that path and it's a bit unnerving, concerning and crazy-making. My part - I never projected reality, I always projected the worst case scenario. My best course of action was to step up all my program efforts to keep my mind/heart focused on me.
Stay present, try to leave the past behind and don't assume the future - I do truly believe in my heart that HP has the best plan for all of us in his line of sight - it helps keep me calm in the stormy moments.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Helpless Mom,
I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. I know how hard it is when someone you love that really seemed to be on the right path, turns away from it - seemingly willingly. As Betty said, we have to try and remember that it is a disease. It doesn't make the pain go away or change the circumstances, but helps make a little sense of what absolutely doesn't make sense. I'm hoping for the best for you and your daughter.
-Jaclyn
Aloha Mom and please stick around on this board everyone here know where the disease has taken you and where you are at now. The disease is so predictable once we learn what it is and what it does and how and that we are powerless over it even when we know we are. Ours (Al-Anon Family Groups) is a step and tradition recovery program. The steps and Traditions are identical to AA's steps and traditions and while they work those steps to get and stay sober we work them to get and stay sane. The last word of the 2nd steps reveals that we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves would lead us to sanity...That was a confirmed belief for me as I took my focus and attention off of the alcoholics and addicts I had collected in my life. I was born and raise in the disease and knew the insanity as normal; usual. I did not know many or any sane and sober people when I first got here and I came to believe that I was truly crazy.
I stopped counting her drinks and emergencies and troubles caused by drinking and using and I stopped drinking with her and buying with and for her and I turned her life back over to her consequences and choices and all and I didn't worry or get angry any more at the "others" she replaced me with. I learned to love her and not need her and found a full time job with my own life which was a mess because of my poor decisions.
My eldest son is alcoholic/addict and has recently in the past couple of years relapsed. I haven't taken over his family who also come from within the disease and I don't do any father - son instructing with him. I will if he is willing take him to the program and leave him there. When I got into recovery I screamed "Uncle" cause I was done and then did so many things I needed to do to help me understand this fatal life threatening, chronic, disease which can never be cured and only arrested by total abstinence.
That isn't happening because he refuses to be abstinent. God walks with him and someday sooner or later like me my son will stop walking and turn around and God will bump into him...that's what happened to me.
I pray that this will be the last confirmation you will have and that will only happen when you also get bumped. Please keep coming back. Let this board help you and in turn help the board with what you have learned that keeps you sane and serene. Prayers for your alcoholic. (((((hugs)))))
If she acts all crazy and tests your boundaries while active, it is not unreasonable to say I am here for you when you find your way back to recovery. Only you can decide how much you need to detach and exactly how.
