The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My h and I are stuck in a cycle. The next morning he is full of guilt. He says sorry, loves me, and becuase i am ready for normal, I accept his apology, fear if I don't it will just cause him animosity and reason to drink. So we sweep aside the issue. Kiss and make up.....lather...rinse.... repeat.
I am not a person that holds grudges, and I quickly forgive.
So how do I stop easing his guilt the next day....without being rude (ignoring or short answered texts to me is rude) how do I stop sweeping this away? But in love? I feel horrible for not easing his cries for forgiveness....but I understand the cycle. I just don't know how to ease my own guilt for detaching.
Is there an alanon article in this?
Thank you
I am Also one that Will Carry the Guilt of not Only my Own but of others, so you are Very Much Not Alone in that, and I Also "Think" I Forgive Easily, but still harbor the Guilt & Resentments till Later down the line when I Finally face them and Deal with them Internally as well as Externally...
Al-Anon Has been Nothing Short of a Blessing in my Life... If there is a Local Al-Anon Group in your Area, that is a Wonderful Place to Start, having Support Close to Home is always a Blessing, and the Tools that are available to over come such things are the biggest of all... Keep Coming back here, Keep Sharing what's on your Mind, and I Promise you will find many that have done this Very Same Dance, and have Come out the other side Just Fine ;)
Welcome to Our Family... Hope to Continue to Grow along side you...
Yes, I do have a ftf group, but I was hoping to find some answers today. As I am right in deep with not knowing how to handle his guilt. I want so bad to ease it. But I don't know the healthy approach
Hi JS, I know this is a tough spot to be in. Something I read that helped me was that detachment doesn't mean caring less about someone else, it means caring more about my own serenity. I also learned that boundaries are not rules or consequences to put on someone else but they are boundaries I put in place to protect myself and they mean what I will do, not what someone else will do. If I protect myself, that is not being mean to someone else, it is being kind to myself. Also the slogan One Day at a Time ... this helped me to stop obsessing and to just take the next right step.
Hi JS.
One thing that helped me to say what I meant to my partner without pointless arguing about his drinking was to state only how i had been affected by his behaviour, and not what I felt he had done, or whether I thought he was drunk or not, or anything to do with him really. I just kept it to "I" statements.
"I'm feeling really tired after last night's chaos. I'd like to be left alone to relax please". Or, "I really didn't enjoy the way things were here last night. I'm not in the mood for talking". Or, "I'm feeling pretty hurt about the things that were said last night" etc. You get the idea.
I found that if I spoke only of my own feelings and what I needed as a result, he didn't have much opportunity to twist it into a 'well I did that because you did this so I'm going to drink because you" sort of game.
I mean, he tried; people don't like it when we change and often our partners have gotten very used to getting us to feel their bad feelings so that they don't have to but for me, being calm and stating my truth without blaming, and repeating it worked very well.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I like the "I" statements. It's a cycle. He drinks, he apologizes, I accept apology, he's off the hook, and does it again.
If I remove myself from this cycle....he has to go through his day trying to figure out how to ease his guilt without me.....okay. Me--i have guilt over this. Time to put my big girl panties on and stop saving him from his guilt.And if he chooses to ease his guilt by way of anger and animosity toward me, then so be it. I will then have to learn how to stop trying to fix that too by kissing his butt to make him love me again.
Wow......I have a lot of work to do. Detaching is tough work mentally and emotionally
This is where steps 1,2 and 3 come in. It all takes time
To learn the tools and gather inner strength and courage.
Its a slow process And its very hard when you are in it.
" I "statements say you are speaking about yourself. You
Statement, you are giving away your power. Setting healthy
Workable boundaries take time if you have had weak ones
As many of us have had.
Be gentle and easy on yourself, this program is about you
Getting better and stronger.
Hello JS and welcome to MIP....glad you found us and glad you joined in. I can relate to the circle of disease or the dance you describe. What my sponsor suggested to me was acknowledge the apology without feeling submissive or enabling by stating, "Thank you for apologizing." Nothing more or nothing less. And then if/when pressed to share the blame/guilt/remorse, use the I statements as I need them at the time. I am big on, I am still processing what happened last night or Let me think about this a bit please or something like that IF I am not quite ready to discuss...
I statements are very helpful and powerful and for my relationships here. It's hard for my qualifier(s) to argue or defend if they are not blamed, attacked, criticized, etc. I statements help make it as it should be for me, how I am or how I am feeling/doing.
Agree that Steps 1,2,3 are a starting/turning point. Do be gentle with you, consider one day at a time only and remember always that we are about progress, not perfection!
Keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
"If you really meant the apology, you wouldn't do it over and over." Same thing I would tell a child. I don't believe in sugar coating the truth....but if being that blunt will lead to an explosion....maybe not.
But I'd only say this and walk away after. Not fight. Refuse to fight.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 26th of July 2016 04:00:59 PM
There is so much experience, strength and hope here. I am very grateful for the sharing done on this board.
I think the greatest gift we can give ourselves is the patience to understand that this is a process that we are going through that will return us to sanity, one baby step at a time. I know for myself I wanted immediate relief from the pain, anxiety and guilt and true recovery doesn't really work that way for me. It is a step forward and a look over my shoulder to see where I came from and then another step forward as I walk out on the teaching I have received and apply it to my life.
Keep coming back and I will keep coming back and we will share this journey to serenity and sanity!
__________________
Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Alcoholism and drug addiction is a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body...This disease is about habit I learned and continue learning how to get out of it meant that I needed to create different habits which worked for me rather than fail. Change the things I can and when I changed I got different consequences that I wanted. I inventoried the habits I used with my alcoholic/addict and the disease by sitting down and writing my habitual behaviors, thoughts and feelings to events that swirled and whirled in our lives. It took pages and pages and after I was done I took it to my sponsors for them to read and hold up to their recovery processes...This program is mystical, miraculous and more and the elders especially my sponsors knew the rocket science of recovery and I wanted that myself. I learned it and then learned to give it away and watch other members use it and change their lives.
If you have a sponsor or a home group ask them for their experiences on inventorying their behaviors, thoughts and feelings as in a 4th step and follow thru. Remember If nothing changes...nothing changes. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I can also relate to that cycle you describe. I always wondered how it was that he would do something bad and I would end up feeling bad for him when he felt guilty in the morning. I think it's because I didn't have any regard for my own feelings. I wasn't really feeling my feelings I was too busy trying to manage his for him. Like a few people have said it is a process. What helped me was not to rush to get over the argument too quickly. I didn't do this to manipulate him or draw things out but because I was so cut off from my emotions it took me a while to truly process my emotions about something that happened. In the past I would rush to make up and then be upset later and not really connect it with how I had been treated by my AH. Now I ask him if we can discuss it later because I am not ready to discuss it. Once I give myself some space to breathe and really think about it I gain new perspective on what actually happened. I can identify how it made me feel. Then those I statements are helpful. It's been difficult to change this cycle but it's worthwhile because it is protective to me. I used to feel like my emotional wellbeing didn't matter. But now I am learning to take care of myself and my emotional wellbeing.
