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It's been a few years since I have posted here. My husband went away to rehab to make amends to me and my 2 small children. It started out as a 30 day stay, I was excited that there was a half way program for him to stay in for transitional housing to get him used to being sober after rehab, and work the program, and also have visits with me and the kids while also eventually going back to work. He left in May for inpatient. June, he started the sober housing. After a week into it, I knew something was off with him. He had freedom to call us and text because he got his phone priviledges back, but wouldn't call us much ever. Or when he did call he would not make much time. He eventually got freedom to leave for a few hours during 3 days of the week, but then all of a sudden started making excuses that they weren't letting him leave for whatever reason. When he would come home he would treat us like we were strangers and not a priority to him. I felt sad for me and the kids and didn't understand what was going on. Was this part of recovery? Is this normal?
I asked him why he had been so distant a few different times, he just kept saying it's recovery. It got to the point where it just didn't seem like he cared about his family anymore. I became suspicious and looked at the phone records, did a little investigating and found he was talking to a young girl. I confronted him and asked if he had been cheating on me, he said yes. Devastated and shocked, I hung up the phone. He then sends me a text and says He's not in love with me anymore and wants a divorce and goodbye. We had just seen him earlier that morning, he was affectionate with me. He left a message 2 days earlier, saying how he loves me and he's sorry for not making a better effort with our relationship but that just remember he loves me so much and we will get through this together. I asked him a few different times because it is a co ed treatment center/sober housing if he was faithful to me due to other times in the past I had my suspicions he had cheated on me, he would always say no honey, there isn't anyone else, i love you and this is an honest program we run and it's all about recovery. We just got married in August, 2015 with our children and all of our families by our side. Got a house with our 2 kids a year and a half ago. He wanted us to get into this house. He wanted us to get married. He cried at our wedding as i walked down the aisle with our daughter. He had so many plans to do different projects on the house and always said how he loves our new home and is excited for the future with our children to make it better.
We had plans to take the kids to disney. We had so many plans. He has been an alcoholic for probably 15 years. We have been together for 10 years. He has been to treatment at least 5 different times now. I have always been supportive no matter what terrible choices he made in the past or hurtful things he did to me and the kids or times he neglected us. He has had moments of sobriety in the past for a couple months or few months at a time after he went to treatment and returned.
I have forgiven him alot of things in the past and put my feelings aside to just stick it out for the healthy man I thought he could be. A loving husband and great father was all that I wanted for him. That was his goal always when going to rehab. No matter what, he would never leave his family. He always said you and the kids are my life. So many times I wanted to leave but didn't because he begged pleaded, threatened suicide, promised he would make me and the kids happy.
But now, this is the worst betrayal and humiliating experience of my life. He lied to me, he lied to the kids, he lied to everyone. Stringing us along in his own little puppet show. Trying to put on this act that he is in recovery and working the program, but really he met someone and she became the most important thing to him. More important then his marriage vows or his children. It is so heartbreaking. I can't understand for the life of me how he could do this to us. I will never truely understand. It's like he just forgot about us and went on with his life. I haven't been in contact with him for 20 days now. Disconnected his phone because I wasn't going to pay his phone bill so he could sit and talk to his girlfriend all day, who he contacted more then he ever contacted me or the kids. But he knows my number and still no word.
His parents have been in contact to make arrangements for him to see the kids but he barely makes anytime for them. It truely sickens me that I feel his parents enable him and are just as sick as he is because they constantly clean up his messes and go along and support everything he does or says. They haven't been here much for me emotionally and have pretty much turn their backs on me.
He quit his job and has no plans to come back to town I guess. Before this happened, he kept saying things like I don't know how I could have my recovery back in town here when I have a good support group there. Now I know, it was never about that, it was about his girlfriend. I haven't received any child suppport money, tho I have contacted a laywer and am seeking full custody of the kids. I was disgusted because my daughter said he told her he was going to buy her a bunk bed so she can sleep with him. I asked his mom and she she says oh when he gets his own apartment. Just like that he moves on. NO biggie. I told her your dreaming, if you ever think I would allow my kids to be alone with him unsupervised. I guess he wants to live his life there with his supposed "recovery" program he is working and his new girlfriend. It's like he's a stranger. No matter what he ever did in the past, he always said he would never leave me and the kids, never abandon his family, but now he has. What happened? I don't understand? It has destroyed me. I gave him 7 years of my life and was supportive and he just walked away. Didn't care about me or the kids but only cared about his own self. I found his fathers day card from the kids and the little blue flower they picked out for him in the trash when he came home to visit once and was cleaning out his car. He showed up drunk one day and then left. I think he was drinking with her.
I can't understand after 20 days, how he has not tried to contact me. Just like that he doesn't care. I am his wife. I am the mother of his children. We own a home together and have plans for the future. Why? Why did this have to happen? He has left me to be a single mother to struggle financially and to have to do take care of everything by myself without help. He has dumped so many responsibilities and pressure on my shoulders and shattered so many hopes and dreams and promises for the future. Not only to myself, but to my 6 year old is not dealing good with his absence because she has had to feel his absence too many times in her short life.
He lied to me, he used me, he took advantage of me, strung me along, manipulated me, so much he did. He has hurt me so bad. It's the lowest point in my life and I have to deal with this while caring for 2 young children. I can't type everything that has happened because it's too much to type over the years. It's been a roller coaster.
I am just a mess and heartbroken over how he could ever do the things he did and leave us like that.
Dear Leah I am so very sorry to read of your pain, heartbreak and disappointment. Alcoholism is a dreadful, progressive, chronic disease over which we are powerless.
Living with this disease we become adversely affected and do need a program of recovery of our own. Alanon is that program--face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. .
You are not alone and there is hope and help for you and your family
Welcome back Leah - I too am so sorry to hear of your pain, and certainly understand all that you feel right now. There are no words we can offer that can/will change what's happening and I hope you have some friends/family who can support you locally in some way. Betty is correct that Al-Anon can give you tools and support to help you find peace and get through the pain.
The disease angers me way less often than it used to (before the program). There are many things that others do that I don't understand, and I've come to learn that it's OK - it's not me, it's about them. Be gentle with yourself and try to focus on the here/now. The past is over and the future hasn't arrived, so when I was first coming to terms with the disease and it's affects on me and my life, I really had to stay present.
Seek out a few meetings - it was there that others truly understood and when I was ready to talk/share, they listened without judgement and without advice. They shared their path with me, and helped me find me, and my inner strength - which had been buried deep down.
There is help and hope as Betty suggests. Keep coming back - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My heart just cries for you. I can't imagine how truly painful dealing with must be.
Right now, I believe the best thing we can say to you is:
Breathe. Focus on the right here and now (the present), and remind yourself that you are ok. Do a systems check (heart is beating, lungs have air, 10 fingers and 10 toes...babies are cared for, roof over head, food in our bellies... All of this is to remind you to stay in the present moment. Because right here, right now, you and your children are ok.
You may have to start and restart the exercise a few times as you wander into overwhelm. It's ok.
I think your job in the short term is to function and make decisions for you and your kids. Make sure your needs are met - safety, security, food, etc. Gather your support system of friends and family.
A local Al-anon meeting would be a wonderful resource to tap into. i do hope you will find one close to you.
Aloha Leah and welcome back to the board...glad you bought your pain with you rather than try to handle it alone. I could hear my daughter-in-law voice as I read your post cause my alcoholic/addict so relapsed and did the very same thing to his wife and children. Makes me ill because it affects the entire family. We have supported her and shared our experience strength and hope with them and invited them to program with us however they choose not to and that is their choice...they have church friends and try to handle the grief and pain with religion. OH well!! What worked for me was face to face Al-Anon Family Group meetings and all the other suggestions I got and took to regain my own sanity from being a child of this disease and married to it and practicing it myself. You heart can and will heal if you seek out the program and participate. Sad with you about this. Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
So sorry to hear of your pain.
I don't know why certain alcoholics throw their whole lives away.
I do kniw there is a way to come back from betrayal a D devastation. I know tools help. I kniw being around people who don't judge, who are compassionate and sincere helps
I am glad you are here. Glad you believe you deserve more. Glad you are real clear about however you feel.
Maresie
I cried throughout your post, and now typing this. I have experienced an eerily similar situation. No idea how I will get through the pain. I have faith in you, though. Wishing you all the best.
I am so sorry all of this is happening to you. This disease is so dreadful, but there is hope through al-anon. There are tools to help you through this program that can help your family. Because alcoholism is a family disease.
Often when my A was drinking and isolating herself in the bedroom, she had such a rage about her if I came in between her and her drinking- as if she loved alcohol more than me. Also, I have found clues long ago that she was cheating on me. She denied it and went a step further to humiliate me about it in front of her friends. Now in sobriety, I suspect that she never truly loved me like I thought she did. She walked out tonight. I don't know what the future holds. However I have my HP and this program. It's time to focus on me, not my A and hopefully all the pieces will fall into place from working the program. I pray this will work out in the end for you and your family. Peace and prayers to you.
Gabigail
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
Thanks everyone, for the heartfelt responses. I really poured my heart out into that post last night. It is difficult to find a baby sitter right now due to me having to rely on others help right now while I'm working so it's hard to make it to an al anon meeting but i would love to at some point when i have an opportunity to.
It's a very difficult time for me. I hope some day he truly regrets his choices and his actions. Marriage vows are serious to me and for him to discard me and the idea of family like a piece of garbage is extremely painful for me right now. So many hopes and dreams shattered due to his selfishness. It hurts how his parents are keeping quiet on whether he has a job or not and his plans. I have received nothing in child support and have a mortgage to pay on the house and i make very little at my job, though i have money in savings but it won't last forever. I have decided to go back to school and pursue an online masters degree so i can be financially independent and hopefully not have to struggle financially. I'm fighting for custody of the kids and child support. I have no problem with him being in his children's lives but the time needs to be supervised for the safety of them.
I guess in the end, what it all really comes down to for myself, even though it is devastating, I will not have to be exposed to his addiction anymore except for the fears of when he is with my kids but for the time being it is with his parents. I hope to move on someday to meet a good man who is not an addict and has better morals and values. It sucks to be a single mom. I never wanted to be one because my mother had to and she had to struggle because of it which is why i think i stuck it out with him because i had this perfect vision of a family that in reality would never happen.
I have done alot of research over addiction and alcoholism over the years from living with an alcoholic. i have been to a few meetings in the past. I have an al anon book. I even have an AA book that I have read for guidance in trying to seek answers on why this happened. It says in the book that they highly discourage making serious choices especially when it comes to marriage and divorce and family matters in the first year. It's only been 2 months and he already jumped into a fast decision that is affecting me and my kids and all of our families. It says in the book also, that this is a time of working on themselves while also improving relationships with your family. He did the opposite. It says that recovery is not just about being sober, it's about getting rid of self centered behaviors. That to me speaks loudly, that he isn't truly working his program if this is what they preach in Alcoholics Anonymous.
I know it's a disease but I'm still angry and devastated in my heart and I feel that me and my kids deserve better.
