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hi everyone, i have still been trying to catch up on the posts. im on page four right now. ive been busy trying to fend for myself. my a and i have been separated for a bit now. the other day we decided he should come home and he did all the right things and said all the right stuff. and of course i believed him. today, only a few days later he ends up telling me that he basically isnt done drinking. that he wants to drink occasionally and i asked him to explain what exactly that meant. of course he couldnt. and we all know there is no such thing as an occasional drink with an a. one drink is never enough and one drink is too many. now i know in my heart that i can not be with him if he is actively using. so of course this is not going to work once again. he is not willing to get help nor does he think a problem exists and he is trying to convince me that there isnt one. ive lived with the craziness before and this program has shown me i dont have to live like that. i really do love him and pray all the time for him. but from what i can see he wont hit a bottom any time soon. this kills me inside. its like i have no control over this relationship. i want to be with him but know its not healthy for me if he is still using. im having such a hard time with acceptance right now so for those of you who can, help me to understand. and i really need prayers right now. thank you.
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
I will pray for you. Acceptance is difficult for me too. I am alone now the A is gone and there are good days and bad. When my daughter is with him and I sit home alone worrying it is hard. I have no control over what he does with her. I have just learned to give it up to HP and know he will keep her safe and help me through this phase of my life.
I am going to try something different here. I have been where you are. Sadly may have to think about it again someday.
What makes you say you cannot live with an active A?
What makes living with an active A unhealthy for you?
What don't you like about your A when he is using?
What is it you want to accept?
What does your A do for you?
I guess I ask myself this same stuff. Been thru it so many years it almost does not hurt anymore, or more it all makes me numb. Bottom really is a vague thing. I am not sure I even think it is relevant. Or maybe it is just a word to describe when the A gets so sick of being sick they really will do anything to not feel the way they do anymore.
Some it may be losing everything, some it may be almost losing a job, some it may be they really don't like barfing up their guts and losing control of their bodily functions...
If you can, what I do my best to do, is rest. Go sit by a river, go to a park and watch kids, take naps, read some goofy book like "The Farside." We don't have to always be thinking about the A whether to keepem or leavem.
Lightening up some helps us to come to good decisions. For me the best thing too is, hand it to hp.
notsonew... Work the steps! Get a sponsor! Get to meetings! The truth is, you have no control over the relationship. Only your hp has the power to change that! You do have a say, however, to what kind of abuse you will live with. But working the STeps will even help you with that. We all know the craziness of the disease here, and our hearts go out to you. But the only thing that really helps is working the program. If you have to, go back to step one. Your life will change, if you work the steps. Guaranteed, or we'll refund your misery. Prayers are with you, notsonew, mebjk
I will say prayers for you and think of you often. It is common for someone to get into another similiar relationship if they do not change themself. I see alot of change in you and alot of progress. Keep on working on you so you may find the kind of relationship that will give you the happiness and serenity you so deserve. cdb :) xoxoxoxoxo
I have to agree with Debilynn,because I had to ask myself what I didn't like about living with an active A, what makes me nervous, and what I want for myself and my family. In my recent separation and now reconciliation with my "a", I had to ask myself those very hard questions. I was grieving and in pain, but this allowed me to come to some realizations about myself. Making my life healthy and happy is the most important thing to me now. Being with my children, and spending time with my "a" when he's sober. We have a long road a head of us, a great deal of trust has to be built back up. When I began talking about boundaries with my "a" I did not demand he stop drinking this time because I knew he wasn't ready. I know in time he will be ready, he's 30 and doesn't feel his best because of the hangovers. He also wants to get physically healthy and I believe as I move to a more healthy committed lifestyle, he will see the positives in that and maybe decide that drinking isn't so important any longer. HP only knows. I've been through this twice before and demanded he stop he using both time, he began using and then lied, so I said to myself I don't want him to lie, I just want him to be safe. So the boundaries I put in place were more about being home bound on the back porch if he's going to drink or have a designated driver if he goes out. We'll see if he can honor these boundaries, he knows they are deal breakers for me because of the risk he puts himself at and the family.
I'm finally learning to detach with love and it feels wonderful. I don't have an overwhelming sense of doom upon my heart any longer. His HP will take care of him, which means I don't have to waste my precious energy controlling, monitoring, or worrying about him. If he falls on his ass enough times, he might begin to realize this isn't working and I need to take the steps to change my life. One Day At A Time. Hang in there.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
It hurts so much when it looks like there is no bottom in sight. I feel that way with my a right now. He has stopped going to meetings and talking about his disease almost completely. This scared me to death at first--I just knew he was going to spin off the deep end. Yes, he is probably using, right now he is not coming home messed up. He is not spending every dime on the stuff although that is not to say he isn't selling things, or pawning things that I don't know about. I have chosen to be o.k. for right now. The whole idea is sad. The knowing that he is killing himself is sad!! I truly believe he knows this so what good would it do for me to "remind" him. I am happy when he is in a good mood, I am happy when he is home, when I feel like he should be home and he isn't I try to keep myself busy. I have tried to keep myself busy and inform him on what I am doing, but not expect him to be invovlved. This is very different for me and sad, but I have felt better in the past week about all of this than I have in a very long time!!!!!! Just take one day at a time--if you haven't read Getting Them Sober--I would suggest this book to you. You decide what you can deal with and what you can not!! Take care of you. I am so sorry you have to go through this valley!
I know what you mean, waiting for the bottom. My A hasn't hit his yet, in spite of all we've been through. He must be made of steel. Yesterday he left me a note that said "I am tired of you blaming the alcohol.....the problem is you, and you need to save yourself from yourself....."
Well, I probably do need to save myself from myself sometimes.
I am reading "Getting Them Sober" a very good book, wasn't sure it would be what I needed now, but I think it is. I thought it would be about "him" so almost didn't buy it...but it's more about taking care of me, which may help him. Interesting read.
Take care, you are in my prayers. It does hurt so much. I know. I am still there, in the pain. But, am slowly getting better.
