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My husband has been sober for 4 months and he has done it all on his own. He was actively drinking for over 25 years! Aside from going through basic training, he would consume between 18-24 beers daily. So, now he is sober and I don't even know who he is! We have been married for 25 years. I have always known him as a drinker. Being naive, I always thought he would stop if he loved me.
UGH! S****, there is so much crap to even type here....
I am a very outgoing person and love spending time with friends and familay. I love to keep busy. Yesterday, I was heading out to help my friend prepare for her sons wedding reception and my husband decides to throw out guilt and tell me I don't want to spend time with him. He accused me of running out of the house and being gone all day when I have a day off. I ask him all the time if he wants to go with me and he chooses to stay home.
Well, whatever, I'm so fed up with feeling guilty. I feel like I'm being punished for his problem! Juse had to get this off my chest.
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 16th of July 2016 04:14:43 PM
Sounds like my husband when he quit smoking cold turkey. Not a pleasant time for any of the family.
But you may also be dealing with the aging man syndrome. Many older men curtail their activities as they age. Suddenly they have all this time on their hands. If they have stopped drinking, then they have also lost their drinking buddies. Older men do seem to use drinking as a way to stave off boredom.
Consequently they want to spend lots and lots of time with their spouses. And this happens just at the time when women are finished with raising children and are often retired and they want to do stuff with other woman. Many of my friends are complaining about the same thing as you are.
So some of this may not be related to his stopping drinking. He needs to find a new direction in his life and that is not your responsibility. Congrats on not taking on the guilt!
Thank you for responding. I am not the best person to describe my feeling and write things down in a manner that makes sense to most. I type what is currently in my head.
Today, I told him I was going to see my Mom's new car. He said fine. While I was there, he textra me and told me to have a nice time and to take my time. I never know which person I'm waking up to. I guess I will never know and should just roll with it. I really have invested too much time in this relationship to just throw it away. I'm tired though. This is way more work that I anticipated. I just want a normal relationship, but I also know I will never have that. It makes me sick that I allowed another person to hold my head below water and make me deal with it. I'm bitter. I deserve to live, laugh, and LOVE!
Also, of course he's perfectly entitled to say so if he misses your company and wants to stay home more. But the helpful and effective way to do it is not to throw it out there just as you're on the way out the door. It would be more helpful if he could ask during some quiet time, in a calm and non-accusatory way. He has many years of not practicing healthy relationship communication, so no wonder he's not doing it now. Doesn't make it any easier on you, though.
Going Nuts-
I completely understand. My A has been sober 64 days, and you never know what you get. Sometimes for me it's the nice spouse when we were dating. Then it's the super critical spouse- even in front of friends (which really gets to me) and always a little guilt and passive aggressiveness. I have to detach myself otherwise I go crazy. I know the face to face meetings help me, as well as being on here. Bringing the problem to my HP, meditating, and hiking in the woods really centers me. I've been doing a lot of journaling right now. I've been working my program as best as I can (when I'm not caregiving with the physical issues of this disease). I have learned from detaching that I can't take on every little thing with what my A says, especially when I offer and she doesn't want to play along. So I say, ok, it's in your hands, I'm not taking it on. I can't for my own sanity. I see it from my A as a major control thing. But with my A being an alcoholic since we've been together, with it being really bad in the last 5-7 years, I have learned to do my own thing, and I've done many things alone. I don't know if this helps, but it's what has worked for me so far. Peace to you.
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
Welcome to MIP GoingNuts - glad you found us and glad that you shared. My husband and I are very different - I am the extrovert most of the time and he's much more introverted. We've been married for 25 years and have certainly had our ups/downs. We communicate differently and process at different rates. So - with those facts + the disease of alcoholism, it's no wonder that simple conversations/wants/needs are challenging for both of us to manage!
One thing the program has taught me is to try and have compassion for others and manage based on facts vs. on emotions. I've gotten good at using Al-Anon sayings to not own others moods, wants, needs and instead pass it back to them - call it passing the monkey.
In your scenario, if my husband suggested I always took my days off and spent them elsewhere, I would just say, "I am sorry you feel that way. If you want to make plans for (tomorrow, next Saturday, etc.), I'll happily spend some time with you." This type of kind, loving response has empowered me to do for me, and share with my husband that I'm fine with doing something with him if he's willing to plan.
There is something 'special' about saying, "I am sorry you feel that way." that allows me to release any guilt thrown my way. After all, I don't have a crystal ball, and until/unless someone tells me they want/need me, I don't assume any longer. We are powerless over how they process, feel, do, etc. but we have all power over how we receive it and what we choose to do with it.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm not ready to do face to face. I may run into a lot of people I know. Trying to vent indiscreetly. Also, I'm finding that the meeting offered do not mesh with my schedule.
We have on line meetings here 2xs a day Venting works so as to enable us to see the problem and accept our anger and frustration Once this is accomplished, complaining over and over about the same thing (an issue that we are powerless over )is a complete waste of time.
It is more important to pick up new tools to live by and a support group to share with- that is why meetings are so important.
F2F does help so much, but I understand worrying about seeing someone I know. This disease is very isolating and the families are often filled with shame. The tools do work, and there is so much great information you can gain in order to work on your own sanity. The online meetings here are great, too. I have noticed a greater need for al anon since my A has stopped drinking cold turkey. There's a lot of resentment still and so many of my own issues I need to work on. We are a work in progress. Please keep coming back.
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
It took me a long time to find my first f2f meeting. I had a lot of reasons why I couldn't do it - mostly excuses based on my fear of the unknown and the fear of admitting I was actually not OK. My emotional state was much much worse before I was willing to be vulnerable enough to even show up to a meeting.
In some ways I wish I had found the program sooner. Maybe my life would be different in some positive ways. And, being gentle with myself I have to aknowledge that I came to a meeting when I was ready. Every time I thought about it, or someone new suggested it little seeds were planted. I needed time to sit with my reality, and think about what I was willing to give up to create a better life for myself. At a low point, I was hurting so badly I stopped trying to keep my happy fascade and let people around me know why I was upset - almost immidiately a friend was driving me to a meeting. It was beautiful. My recovery is mine, and it will happen in its own time.
For me what ever you choose...go or not go to meetings, you earn the consequences of the choice just like I earned the consequence of marrying my alcoholic/addict...shudder!! (((hugs))
