The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
this is my first time here and I've only been to one alanon meeting so please forgive if this isn't appropriate. I don't have a support system since I've separated myself from family and friends because of shame over my husbands drinking.
Ive been married 20 years to an addict. Pills, drugs, now alcohol. after a period of about 3 years of arguments, name calling, and general hatred, I started counseling and that's helped me stand up for myself. I left when we argued, I started telling him how I really feel. Last night, I told him I needed him to be sober, share responsibility of our lives equally (he doesn't work regularly or do a lot around the house) take responsibility for our past and treat me with respect. This led of course to an argument.
He says that our issues are 1. I'm crazy 2. I am depressed, fat, and have no friends 3. I try to control him (codependence) 4. I get immediately angry that he has alcohol. He believes that if I just ignore his drinking or be compassionate about it instead of Cold that everything would be fine we would have fun and no arguments. He doesn't have any legal issues because of his drinking, but he does get mean and argumentative (with me and others) or he gets depressed. He says when he gets mean that it's my fault for starting it or pushing him.
I feel like I'm At the end of my emotional rope, and am having physical issues (that I believe are stress induced). My tolerance is at zero and I can't imagine ignoring or being compassionate about his drinking. I worry every day about divorce vs staying.
my question is - should I ignore his drinking like he says? Am I handling this wrong?
Hi Tinyhouse I am pleased that you are attending alanon meetings and that you found our site.
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease over which we are powerless . So wasting your time talking to them about it is just that a waste of time.
Keeping the focus on myself using alnoon tools , validating my needs and letting go of unrealistic expectations helped me to live life on life's terms and make choices that I would not regret. Please keep coming back
It is hard to ignore something you hate. Alanon would help a lot to get hou more support so you can at least detach some. He sounds as though he is being vile and nasty to you and it is at least partially to protect his addiction. My suggestion: go to alanon and reduce discussion and interation with him when he is drunk if possible. That does not mean ignore...that means go do your own thing. Yeah...all active alcoholics want a spouse that is totally cool with or ignores their drinking and the unacceptable behaviors that go with it. You don't have to figure out whether or not to leave him just now. You can get your own recovery and then figure out if this is a tenable situation/marriage you can stay in.
I've ignored it for over 25 years. I've threatened to leave (and did once), and played the,"If you love me, you will quit" card.. Unfortunately, he will only stop when he is good and ready. It's true that maybe he will have to suffer great loss to realize what a demon his addiction is.
My husband has stopped drinking, 4 months now, but now he smokes pot daily. I feel lost and embarrassed, stupid, and weak that I cannot voice my opinion to him. I feel like I'm waiting for one of us to die to get out of this life.
I know what you're going through, some from my own A and also from my sister's A. The negative talk, putting you and your body down, the disdain and hatred coming your way, etc. I felt so lost and alone. Al anon really helped me during these times. There were weeks I could do nothing more than cry or vent. When I really got into the tools, I started using them to help my sanity. I remember one time when my A was so drunk and was asking me to do a million things, and it got to the point of ridiculous (especially when all she did was criticize me as I was trying to help), I got up, walked upstairs and said I am finished helping for today. Then the yelling at me, you get down here now, etc. was thrown at me. And for the first time, it didn't affect me, and I had no guilt. And she never brought it up, either because she was so drunk or that I finally put her in her place by not enabling the behavior. Take care of you first. This is such a difficult disease and you can really lose yourself in the process. Please keep coming back!
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
Hello Tinyhouse - welcome to MIP! Glad you found us and glad that you found the courage to share....alcoholism and addiction take seemingly kind, loving people and turn them into strangers. More often than not, as the disease progresses, they become 'teflon' - nothing sticks! I know with my qualifier(s), any time I tried to have an adult conversation, it went south. The disease affects every aspect of a person - thinking, emotions, logic, etc. The disease is never cured, but can be arrested through recovery of some sort.
I too am glad to see that you've been to an Al-Anon meeting. That for me was a game changer as I began to keep my focus on me, and learned many tools to help me detach and restore my brain to 'pre-disease' state. This disease is considered a family disease as everyone is usually affected by it. In my case, my thinking became distorted and my logic did too as I began to surrender to the disease and the diseased.
Al-Anon gave me a support group that understood and listened without judgement or advice. Others who had experiences living with the disease offered their experience, strength & hope for me to explore new ways of coping. I totally understand your frustration - BTDT - Been There, Done That. There is help and hope in recovery - just keep going to Al-Anon and work on you for a while. The answers for your truth and your needs will come through and what another says/does/does not do will feel different when you're in a better place.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I can relate to what you are going through because I too have been called all those things by someone that I love. I even reached the point of thinking that he must love me really even though it didn't feel like it because he was never so awful to other people that we knew!!!! One calm day, when AH was out and I was sitting in the sunshine enjoying the peace I made a few decisions...
1. I would look after my own self-esteem over and above anything else. If someone was rude to me I would walk away and go and do something that I enjoy/find peaceful and that heals any hurt. I do not rely on others to show me respect, I simply rely on myself to refuse to accept anyone's disrespect.
2. I took alcohol out of the equation. I had been using it as an excuse for my husband's behaviour and I stopped doing that.
3. I did not ask or expect my husband to change but I made it clear by my behaviour that I will move away from abuse and attention seeking tantrums and, as Pinkchip says, I would go and find something else to fill my day with!
Going to Alanon meetings helped me to meet others who were in situations similar to my own who, miraculously, seemed to be able to laugh, have fun, and thrive. I wanted to learn how they did that!!!
I've been married for 18 years to an alcoholic. He told me last week I was insane and had problems. He told me Al-Anon was brainwashing me and I was trying to control him. I also wonder every day whether I should stay or leave him. I do know that i need to get away from this behavior for a while. He also thinks alcohol is not a problem in our relationship, what little we have of one. I know exactly what you are going through. My support is Al-Anon meetings. Some days, though, are too much to handle. I do have people to call to talk about problem. I just want it to end.
I just want to welcome you and thank you for sharing. It's great you've already been to an Alanon meeting for support and unconditional love. You've described a cycle of abuse that many of us have experienced. Beyond the obvious fact that no deserves to be spoken to in such an abusive manner, the issue for myself personally was that over time I began losing confidence in myself as a person and woman who was worthy of love, respect and capable of living independently. You can just hear faulty messages about yourself for so long before you begin wondering if they're true. I wish I'd found the Alanon program sooner but of course it's never too late to begin living a happy, joyous and free life minus the daily insanity of someone's drinking or substance abusing. Whether you make a choice to do that through learning to empower yourself in your home with Alanon tools such as detachment, acting vs reacting or permanent separation from your husband; these and other choices are there for you. I honestly felt I had no choices when I got to Alanon. I took my wedding vows seriously and believed I just had to endure the hand I'd been dealt.
It was empowering to attend Alanon meetings and hear sharing of people who either had lived with alcoholism or were still living with it in their home and hear how they were working the Alanon program in their daily lives. They seemed "reasonably content" as the Alanon program promises if we work the 12 steps. I felt a bit skeptical that the feeling could last long term but kept coming. Making small changes in my own behavior as a matter of self care and seeing positive results led to making bigger changes that honored me as a person. Like you, I was beginning to experience the psychological and physical effects of living with someone who didn't know their own mind but was quick to tell me that my thinking was skewed. In truth it was but not for reasons he was telling me. It was skewed because because I had forgotten to put my own well-being first when faced with someone else's alcoholism. People in this program especially a loving sponsor told me I was worthy of self love and showed me how to invest, love and care for myself. I learned that the blaming and cruel words from someone under the influence of alcohol or another substance were not based in reality. I had a higher power as well as support group Alanon that accepted me just as I was. I could make mistakes, be perfectly imperfect in my appearance and loved. I hope you'll keep coming back to recover and care for yourself. Wishing you healing and good health. (((hugs)))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
