The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We live with my 83 year old mother, in her house. My husband and I have no kids, and we've been married for 20 years. I have made several posts in this group so I'll not give much background anymore
With Al-anon literatures and this group's help I am able to live each day One Day At A Time, found some serenity and able to hang-on to living with an AH. Just as I am able to detach (I think) and just when my husband has not been drinking lately (at least not that I'm aware of) it's my mom who's always asking me and commenting about my husband's whereabouts, what he's doing, where he was, what he's up to? Honestly I'm irritated with her questions and comments. Inasmuch as I try not to, I answer my mom sarcastically: "why don't you ask him yourself if you're bothered because I try not to be bothered by whatever he's doing or up to?" There was a time I told her that if she's really bothered with my husband why don't she ask him to leave her house.
I can't understand my mom, she doesn't like broken marriages but she's not helping me bear it. Does she want us separated but wants me to do it without her having anything to do with it? Sometimes I ask myself if my "don't care" attitude towards my husband is still healthy. Who wouldn't want a healthy and typical married relationship, but what can I do, I am married to an AH?
I don't really care if we get separated or not, I feel like it won't really make any difference. I live my life for myself, am I being selfish? What's wrong with me, I can't seem to process my feelings, as if I have no feelings anymore
Jocelgp-- Living with the disease of alcoholism is extremely difficult That is why alanon face to face meetings are so important. I know you are unable to attend any meetings in your country so i would suggest that you take the time to explain alanon literature and principles with Mom, continue to detach with love , pray and keep coming back here as well. You are not alone.
Try the online meetings, speaker tapes on you tube are
Free, some talk about podcasts, read your literature.
It is such a hard journey without ftf meetings. They are
Like going to a classroom and things just start sinking
In and clicking. It took me a long time to finally just
Get it and practice it then start to change and grow.
NO is a complete Sentence along with strong boundaries.
My mother tried to exert her control during Seperation
And after divorce. I refused to discuss anything about my
Xah and the divorce. I still dont say much.
Hi there,
I too struggle at times with this whole thing. I live with my mother as well and I think we had built up a bit of dysfunctional living situation that she naturally became a part of. I found that when I stopped concerning myself in such detail with my AHs behaviour then she started to focus more on him and ask me a lot of questions about him that I simply couldn't answer anymore such as how much he is drinking etc. I am not exactly sure why this occurred but I am guessing that she somehow felt that me focusing on him was managing the situation she also may have had the illusion that I was some how controlling the situation. And when she saw me letting go of that tight death grip I had on the situation it unsettled her. Also, before Al Anon I spent a lot of time discussing his behaviour with her instead of focusing on my relationship with my mom.
What worked for me was explaining to her once that I cannot manage his behaviour and focusing on him all the time was making my life very unhappy and I asked her if we can focus other things when we talk. If she asks me something about him that I don't know or don't want to get in the middle of I simply say "I don't know" and then change the conversation.
I also struggled with the selfish bit and the whole living differently because of the disease. But as I have worked through the program I am starting to see that before Al anon this obsession and constant need to control and manage his behaviour was more incompatible with a "regular" marriage than the idea of detaching with love. The love part has taken time and isn't always perfect but it is there. To me a "healthy" marriage would accommodate detachment with love. Being there to support the other person with their problems but not take on their problems as my own and still maintaining a healthy sense of self. That is what I strive for. It's difficult because I so quickly lose myself in other people (especially my relationship with my AH) that it takes work to find me again. As I keep moving forward I can the progress I have made and I trust the process more and more.
You're doing great keep moving forward :)
Jocelgp...keep coming back with that courage to keep asking and looking for solutions and this will work for you. It is often mentioned in our literature and meetings that "alcoholism affects all that come into contact with it" and as I look at your picture I see your Mom in it also with the difference that you are mentioning anger and I am seeing compassion...the disease is working you both at the same time in the way is works us all. Anger is not a remedy against the dis-ease of alcoholism; actually it increases the DIS-EASE and the situation gets worse and out of control.
Sponsorship was so very necessary for me in recovery...another man who had good recovery and knew how the disease moved and worked and how it could and would control me even against my own will. The sponsor I found taught me that "if I didn't like the feelings from anger to work with the opposite of it and earn the opposite consequence" He taught me that the opposite of anger was acceptance; not of the morality of the disease and only the fact of it and that it was in my life and marriage and I was powerless over it all except my part in it. I changed my part and my life changed dramatically.
I also pray that you and your mom are able to share your thoughts, feelings and actions as to this disease and are able to arrive at mutual understanding and love...she is going thru what you have and are also going thru. Keep coming back...pat yourself on the back for the courage you have learned. (((((hugs)))))
I don't think it is selfish to focus on yourself. Marriage isn't a one person job it's two persons.
I think you need to give yourself a break. Living with your mother alone must be incredibly difficult.
I think it sounds like you are on the right track. Recovery can feel very foreign.
Maresie
(((Hugs))) to everyone. I really thank all of you for always being around. You really are a family to me, even if we have not met each other in person. I can feel the warmth, sincerity and care. Yeah things are really harder without an f2f meeting and sponsorship. I am really thankful to God that I have this group, I love you all !!!
