The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm trying to detach with love but I feel like I'm being such a b***. I'm not even talking to him unless it's about logistics so I'm detached but how do I do it with love? Am I supposed to make him feel loved or just wish him love in my mind? I'm so angry because he rages at me and my kids and has a Jekklyl Hyde thing going on. He can seem so amazing and then literally like the devil. He had an episode last night and said some things I will never forget and the rage toward the kids (they are stepkids for him) made me literally feel hate for him and wish I could punch him in the face. Today I'm just numb and told him the jig is up, I'm off the roller coaster, I will be civil but I will not discuss anything with him about our marriage until he gets help. Then of course he lied and said he only had one beer like I'm stupid....
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 13th of July 2016 08:38:56 PM
Welcome Steph. I so understand how you feel and have said almost the same words myself. Detachment is a powerful tool and it takes practice and time to be able to do it with love .
Alcoholism is a chronic progressive disease that can be arrested but never cured. It is a disease over which we are powerless and because of living with the insanity of this disease we too require a program of recovery.
Alanon is that program. Face to Face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. It is here that I broke the terrible isolation caused by living with the disease, learned new tools to live by and found the support i needed to live life with courage and hope.
Thank you. I know more about addiction than most people because I'm a master's level therapist and that makes it even harder because I analyzed and tried to fix for 4 years and it's embarrassing that I didn't see this before I married him. It's amazing how an alcoholic can come across as a social drinker until you are living with them past the honeymoon phase. There's so much to say buy I'm going to let my brain rest. Thank you for your reply!
kinda like a plummer with leaky pipes! welcome to you and keep coming back, even if you have some education under your belt, lots of wisdom here too..... linsc
At first I detached with anger, later I perfected detaching with love. I had to learn it wasn't personal and not my job to fix another just myself. It takes time in al-anon. The books "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie helped me a lot.
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Steph, I can relate to feeling embarrassed and feeling like you should have seen it sooner. I too spent a lot of wasted time trying to analyze, fix, and thought I knew a lot about addiction before it touched my family as I had spent many many years working in the mental health field. In all honestly I think I made it harder for myself because I had to deal with feeling ashamed, humiliated, etc with my inability to fix it based on my professional background. . After all, if I was helping other people in their lives but couldn't help my own family then clearly I must not be very good at what I do. Obviously that was not true, but at the time I really felt like that. I had to let go of all of my "knowledge" and accept step one that I was powerless and my life was unmanageable. It really does get better as you work the steps and seek support for yourself. Alcoholism is a cunning powerful and baffling disease and there is no one whom can control it irregardless of their education, social status etc. Take good care of yourself and your children. Keep coming back.
Aloha Steph and keep coming back with a wide opened mind. I am also a former therapist
who practiced in the behavioral health fields in a large rehab. I didn't deal with what my patients thought so much as what they were doing because it was the behavior which was causing them problems. Yes we inspected thoughts and mostly about those being compulsive and outside of the realms of control. Thoughts helped us to understand the "pictures" of how and why we saw things the way we did which very often in the disease is full of error. The last word of the second step is Sanity...a progressive and orderly process of thought... which most all of my clients could and would not arrive at while involved with an addict or alcoholic.
We changed behaviors and the thinking change thereafter.
Detachment for me became behavior of not being affected by the alcoholic/addict and love became acceptance of her for exactly who she was without judgement or expectations that she "should" be different. She was what she was at the time that she was it and when I got that down properly I had less work to do with the disease. She knew she was addicted and she knew the consequences and where and how to go about doing it (behaving) that she might have better outcomes. I left her to working that out for herself and that was the most loving thing I could have done.
Lately I have been looking at what I admire about certain alcoholics. I think that is a way to stop beating myself up. Certainly certain alcoholics will conceal incredibly well.
I don't think you would beat one of your clients up in the same way.
I don't kniw that I see anyone as they are until it smacks me in the face
Today I am taking a day off work for me. I have been moving and what's more making changes. I deserve a little respite. I know what it is to be really mad at certain people. I also know I have to detach around that. Generally I have to pull back to detach. I hate doing that.
I am so glad you are here.
Maresie
Am I supposed to make him feel loved or just wish him love in my mind?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This part got me confused in the beginning too. I was thinking I could "love" him out of it. If I treated him differently, he would be different. Wow, was I totally, 180 degrees wrong. I ended up just treating him with respect (and it took me a while to get to that point because I was so angry). And I learned I couldn't "make him feel love" either. He marches to his own drummer. What I do has very little affect. But I was letting his moods and emotions affect my moods and emotions. AlAnon reminded me at every meeting that I was there for me. Not for him..... FOR ME.
I am a licensed therapist and I still 1. Progressed into my own alcoholism and 2. Stayed with another drunk for 7 years. What I "objectively or intellectually know" often does not dictate matters of the heart. They are a bit more in line now but not when I was in the midst of it. I think Detach with indifference at the very least is pretty typical. Love may come after his actions no longer cause you and or your kids direct harm. At that point, you may feel a warmness of just really wanting him to be better for him but not cuz it is your problem anymore.
I can't thank all of you enough for your responses. They are incredibly helpful! I do wish him well and love him. I'm a peace loving hippie at heart and I guess that's why the anger upsets me so much. I just want the mood swings to stop and that won't happen until he admits his compulsion to use alcohol to cope with his thoughts. He agreed semi reluctantly to seek counseling for his moods not the alcohol. I'm not going to get attached to a specific outcome. We'll see what happens. Until then I will not enable and I will take care of myself and my kids. Thank you again!
I found it very very hard detaching with love when my AH was active in his disease. I had so much resentment and anger built up that it was so hard to not let his disease affect me. I did find putting up boundaries and following through on these boundaries really helped me and slowly I was able to detach a bit. Keep coming back and know you are not alone.
