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Hello. I am new. My husband was 8 months sober. He started again 3 months ago. It's excessive 2-3 times a week. That is when be gets emotionally abusive. We were separated for 5 months the beginning of 2015. I go to AL Anon meetings when I can. I just can't tolerate the emotional abuse any longer. Does anyone have any advice?
Welcome TM Alanon meetings helped me when I was living with the active disease and in the pain that you describe . I often attended two meetings a day for over a year and tried desperately to implement all the tools I found.Living one day at a time, detaching, reading recovery literature and trusting HP helps.
Not making an major change until i was in program for 6 months was always a great guide to live by.
Thank you hotrod. That is all great advice. I am also taking a second job so that I can have more time away from this situation. I don't know if that is the best way to handle this, but I don't like being at home when he is there.
Hi TM, I'm glad you found us and so sorry for what you are going through. I understand what it feels like when you just can't stand it any longer.
I think a second job sounds like a good tactic; you get out of the house and earn money at the same time! I think it is a great example of a boundary, which you create for yourself. Just make sure to take care of yourself as well. I think Alanon meetings are also great, and don't forget there are online and telephone meetings if you would like more meetings than you can physically attend.
My belief is that no one should have to live with abuse of any kind. You are not alone, and you'll find a way to a better life.
I too am sorry that you have this going on in your life, no one should have to live with abuse in their home.
When I recognised my husband's abusive behaviour I found it much easier to avoid it. I decided that it took two to tango and that I wasn't going to join him in that dance any more. If he was rude to me I would just leave the room or go for a walk or talk to friends. I invest my time and energy in doing things that I enjoy or that add to my sense of self-worth. I spend time with people who enjoy life. It was a gradual process but it worked for me - I don't hear much abuse these days which is better for both of us me-thinks!
Your new job sounds like a great idea - congratulations.
Hey TM - I too send a warm welcome....glad you found us and glad that you shared! One suggestion I have is use the $$ from the 2nd job to do just for you or save just for you! When I was living with the disease, I began creating my 'cash stash' in case I needed to vacate the home - overnight, a couple nights or longer. I wanted to be sure that was not one of my worries should I have to depart for my own sanity.
I also suggest throwing yourself into Al-Anon any way that you can. Local meetings provided me with local support and a group of lovely people who understood what I was feeling/dealing with. They listened actively and shared their own ESH (experience, strength & hope) to help me work this program as best I could. We shy away from offering advice as each situation is different, but we always suggest self-care and self-work.
Keep coming back here and know you are not alone! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I can relate all too well. I moved out of my apartment with my ABF June of 2015. I have been living at home and getting my finances together. We are still together, but I needed a place to feel safe. I needed a place where I knew he could not come if he were drunk. I couldn't bear the thought of having to lay in our bed one more night while he was intoxicated, listening to him berate me and yell at me over nothing for hours. I used to have to hide my purse under my bed because I feared he would try to take money or even my car. I used to huddle my dogs into one spot so I knew exactly where they were and didn't want him near them. I hated not feeling like I could sleep for fear I'd wake up and he'd be gone and I wouldn't know where he was. He's put me in harms way with his drinking. And he's said things to me that I never even thought another human was capable of saying. And he'd always say he didn't remember the next day.
The emotional abuse hasn't happened nearly as much as when I lived with him. But when he gets drunk it's always the same thing. I've almost broken up with him multiple times, but yet that feeling of codependency and feeling sorry for him and caring only about his feelings keeps me coming back for more.
He always makes the argument that he doesn't drink everyday, it's just binge drinking that's his problem. What he isn't understanding is that those 1-3 times a week are horrible for me and anyone else around him. It has put me in a constant state of anxiety not knowing which day to expect the s***show.
In my experience, you'll never really feel safe until you have a safe spot. And honestly, even when I'm here I still worry he'll show up when he's been drinking. He's been pretty good about respecting the boundary as I told him he is NOT allowed here if he has been drinking. He hasn't as of yet. It's made a huge difference for me anxiety-wise. I still feel anxious and scared, but not nearly as much as I did when I had nowhere else to go.
Remember that he doesn't have to deal with himself when he's drinking -- you and others do. If you set boundaries and stick with them, it helps.
Thank you Iamhere. I do plan on putting away money so that at I can leave. I could leave now, but I would have to sleep in my car. I lost my job and went through my savings last year. I am trying to rebuild it so I can leave. I don't feel safe sometimes. Just last night he said he was going to drag me outside because he was asking me to come look at our neighbor's place because he wanted to show me something and I said no, because he was intoxicated. He started yelling and screaming for me to "get my ass out there"
Good job setting boundaries madowl86. I am learning to do the same. The emotional abuse is the worst. It's hard to focus sometimes when you keep hearing such horrible things about yourself from this person who supposedly loves you. I know it's the alcohol that causes him to change into this cruel person. When he is sober, he praises me and he writes love notes of appreciation. It's like living with two different people.
Advice, we do not give. Experience, strength and hope (ESH) we share.
Experience with abuse of all kinds, I have - remember, I must, that no one abuses us more than we abuse ourselves. If someone treats us worse than we treat ourselves, stay in that relationship, we will not. If someone treats us better than we treat ourselves, stay in said relationship, we will most likely do. Strength, I have found, in working the steps and attending meetings. My hope has been found in being Honest, Open-minded, Persistent and Energetic in working the program - miracles, it does perform.
Remember, I must: One day at a time (sometimes one hour or even one minute at a time), I must take it. Easy, it is not - but better, it does get.
Alone, you are not - hugs and prayers to you. There is a solution - doing it, I believe you already are.
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"Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.“ - Goethe
Aloha TM and welcome to the board. "Courage to change the things we can..." from the Serenity Pray is but one piece of wisdom I heard when I first found the doors of Al-Anon which wasn't even close to my idea of what to do in a marriage with an alcoholic/addict wife and the insane trauma that came from it. Trust God was one of the first suggestions I got when I got here and so I did and they suggested that I find my seat and keep coming back which would be the newest endeavor.
If I were to be able to find sanity and a new way of living my life the very best suggestion would be to locate the winners, sit down and listen to them, follow their suggestions and duplicate what they were doing...I became one of them and full member of the world wide fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups living in and practicing the 3 legacies of the program...unity, recovery and service to others.
I didn't know anything about alcoholism or drug addiction when I chose to change the way I was living my life rather than end my life and all I can do is to suggest anyone to do the same thing because that is what worked for me. I knew nothing about recovery and went to be taught by those who knew and practiced it.
Alcoholism is a fatal disease...it kill period and not only those who drink. All are affected.
Keep coming back because this is what works when we work it. ((((hugs))))
