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This evening my AH had more than one too many and was behaving erratically and I guess the best way to describe it was he was acting out. This has happened once every year or so he drinks way more than his usual too much and acts in very bizarre ways and it's almost as if he is completely gone. It's like the disease has taken over and he is possessed. I had a meeting tonight and I stayed home and made some alternate arrangements long enough to be sure everyone was safe. He had left the BBQ on while we ate dinner to clean it a bit after but when it came time to clean it he told me he had it too high and was afraid of it. This concerned me so I did what I could to ensure everyone's safety including offering to call 911 to have the FD deal with it. He eventually turned it off and I double checked. I think the dog tried to lick the scraper for the BBQ and may have gotten burned which horrifies me but I will take her to the vet tomorrow and she seems ok for now. Just some small dark spots on her face. Once everything had calmed and I had alternate arrangements for my daughter I left for my meeting. My AH called me several times on my walk to my meeting asking me to help him find something on the computer. Computers and extremely intoxicated people don't mix lol. If it wasn't such an upsetting situation it could have been a comedy skit. After several minutes of trying to describe where it was I told him I only had a few minutes left and would have to go. He asked me several times to come home to help him and I told him no I was going to my meeting tonight I was sorry he was having trouble. He then asked me to set it up for him right away when I got home tonight and I said no I would be going to bed but if he would like help with it the next day I would help him. He got even more angry and asked me again if I was coming home. I said no I'm sorry I am not coming home. He then told me that all internet, cable and phone would be cancelled when I get home because if he can't use it no one is using it. I said I had to go we could talk about it tomorrow morning.
I put my phone on silent and went to my meeting. And God couldn't have given me a better thing to do in that situation than go to a meeting. I was able to share about it, really listen to people in the meeting, get a hug from someone and I really realized how I was not alone. Not at all. All these people cared about me. When the meeting was over I checked my phone and my AH had called several times after I let him go before the meeting. He left me a message and he sent me a text stating that all services had been cancelled. I came home and all the electronic equipment was taken out so no one can watch TV....but hey the computer works and I am using that right now. So the services haven't been cancelled. But even if they were I know I would be ok. I came home and AH is up in the room sleeping but not sleeping. The dog seems to be ok. I checked out the spots she has and she's alright. I came home with this big lump of fear. Coming home to unpredictable behavior is not something that happens frequently now but when I was a child I never knew how my step mother would behave. I felt like a little kid coming in the door. I don't like that feeling. But it soon dissipated and I'm OK. With my daughter asleep and all my friends from my meeting gone home to bed I am feeling quite lonely right now. But I know I am going to be ok.
I went to my meeting and I got what I needed tonight. I took care of myself and everything else followed. I am tempted to play out in my brain what will happen tomorrow morning when my daughter gets up to watch TV and she can't or what my AH will say or do as the denial in him is very strong. But I won't let myself get too far ahead. It's just one day at a time and for today I will just focus on what is. I am absolutely amazed that I didn't react to my AH when he got demanding and asked me to come home from my meeting. Or when he threatened to cancel cable and internet and phone. In the past I would have gone home to fix things for him. I would have missed my meeting. I would have not taken care of myself. Or I would have lost it. Yelling and screaming like a crazy person. That would have then been the focus of the whole event my bad behaviour. I spoke to him so kindly and clearly. I learned a lot from this incident today and I am so grateful to Al Anon for that.
First task tomorrow will be to make sure that my name is also on all services so they can't easily be cancelled without my consent LOL.
Well normally I would sit in front of the TV on a night like tonight and zone out for a few hours but I guess it's a good night to read a book lol. Goodnight all. Thanks for letting me get it out here.
(((KT))) I am pleased that,in spite of all the insanity, you did take care of yourself and get to that meeting. I can so identify with the deep pangs of fear that you speak about and thanks to program,I no longer feel .Meetings are an extremely important life line at all times but especially during a crisis.
Your tools are impressive and I can see that you are quickly becoming a "Miracle in Progress" .
Keep coming back.
Oh, KT. So sorry for all you had to endure last night. More importantly than AH's erattic behavior, was your grace, calm ( even with the fear) and rational behavior. You have learned so much in the program, and were able to pull it all together for yourself. Your story is an inspiration to the rest of us; thank you for sharing.
I must admit, I am wondering about hubby's response today to his actions last night.
thank you both for your reply. I really appreciate the support and encouragement. This morning I asked my HP to help me through my morning because it would be tough. I let AH explain to our daughter what happened to the TV and cable. I am not sure what he told her because I wasn't there. Wat she heard and expressed to me was that we were getting a better cable package. Then AH asked me if I got his text last night I confirmed that I had and just kept to focusing on getting my daughter ready for the day. He offered that I could call and set up the cable right now and hopefully everything could go back to how it was (my mom's cell phone was included in that package and she was away so they probably cut off her phone immediately). I told him I wasn't ready to do that I wanted to think things through. I told him I was extremely upset about what happened last night and that he had cancelled everything the way he did. He told me I had a chance to call him back but I didn't so I have to live with it. I didn't respond. Then he told me "well I just offered for you to call and fix it by setting it up in your name but you won't so I can't fix it". I ignored the comment and he went to work. I got my daughter off to day camp. He texted me that he was calling the company as soon as they opened and setting everything back up. I just wrote back "thanks". He called a couple of times to try to discuss it but I just couldn't right now. I am too upset.
I am so glad I didn't react. If I had reacted in any way at all then my behavior would have been thrown in my face and the main issue would have been lost. And I wouldn't have liked myself in this situation. So I am taking extra special care of me today. I'm going to grieve it out. Feel the upset, hurt and loneliness and treat myself well. And tomorrow is a new day.
Part of me knows that he is upset and wants me to relieve that feeling by resolving it OR reacting. And there is a huge part of me that wants to tell him it is all ok. but that comes from a bad place. I am not trying to punish him even if that is what he thinks. I just really need some emotional space. It's not all ok as far as I am concerned about what happened so that would not be honest. I need some time to soothe myself, get to a calm place and process it a little before I can talk it out. So that will be my focus.
Thanks for reading.
Sounds like you've looked after yourself really well; good on you for not giving in to the urge to comfort/be the scapegoat by reacting. I can really relate to that. I think you also did really well by going to your meeting regardless; I would have found that really difficult.
Hugs.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Also, I don't know how this would work for you but my A did similar things with the internet/tv etc when drunk. One of his favourites was to take away the television or the modem when he was in a rage.
Anyway one morning we woke up to no TV and no internet again; I went into town and bought my own TV set and a portable internet thingy and informed him that if he wasn't going to allow me unrestricted access to the services i paid half of, then, i just wouldn't pay half and would instead have my own separate ones.
He was shocked and actually said 'well what am i supposed to do now when I am angry, I have no control" which was so absurd and so honest really. I don't think he meant to say it that way out loud.
Anyway I continued to only watch my own TV set and knowing that I had my own internet to fall back on, he didn't try those measures again. I sort of adopted an attitude of, if he impinged upon any of my basic freedoms then I took away his ability to do so again and stuck to it, and that helped me a lot.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
KT - it sounds like you handled the whole scenario from last night through this morning so well! You have provided more proof that the program really works to help us through insane times. Thank you for sharing, as it is sometimes really painful to relive it in its telling.
(((KT))) - so very sorry for the chaos/drama brought about by the disease. I agree with all above me - I see great program in action. You practiced self-care, not react, polite responses, and kept yourself first - all while detaching as best you could with love. While you are going about your day, my hope is your thoughts and processing sees all that you did that was awesome!!!
Your first post reminded me of how I used to fear coming home when there was active disease all around me in my house. Without a conscious thought, my foot would back off the gas pedal and then I would realize I had slowed down - not really wanting to see what waited for me here - at my own home. God....how I hated that feeling. I can honestly share with you that I don't have that any more, and it's a direct result of working this program and doing what's suggesting from other like minded people.
I still have that feeling when I am headed to see one of my boys, but not nearly as bad and can hand it off to God when I feel it. It's a relief to have peace of mind while I am driving up my street now....it will be there for you too - just keep doing what you're doing.
You are not alone - we are here for you!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks All,
Meliss I had that same thought. He has never done this in the 15 years we lived together but I do notice he had been doing things to exert his control around these services because his name is on it. I with either ask him to transfer the account to my name or next time he cancels get my own account that he can't have any control over. I keep wanting to fall into that victim mode but I don't want to feel like a victim anymore. I have choices and I keep reminding myself of that.
Thank you Iamhere. I really hate that feeling of fear. I spent the day at home yesterday and that was good for me. I had the place to myself and I could relax and lick my wounds and take care of myself.
Feeling better today.
Glad today's a better day KT! I love that we get to start over each day, and I am often reminded that I can start my day over anytime I want to...
(((Hugs))) for continued growth in recovery! We are all miracles in progress.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My AH has control in more subtle ways - he expresses concern and anxiety over things I want to do, and the outcome is that these things then don't happen because I would try soooo hard to make him happy. But when I stopped reacting that way he became depressed. He didn't have that power to manipulate me anymore and it made him sad, and confused. This has kept happening, every time I assert control over another part of my life.
"So you just get to decide now!!??!" he once yelled at me; I almost laughed - yeah I get to decide, this is my life.
Learning about the power and control tactics in the disease was rocket science for me and one of the best subjects I learned. That kept me ahead of what was happening and why and I could let loose of the projecting into the future. I could see my reactions and see that most of them did not work which gave me permission to learn other program recovery skills. When all was said and done I took back my life and surrendered hers to her and HP. This program works when we work it. ((((hugs))))
Your post is like an advertisement for alanon. That's what it is all about. Keeping your serenity regardless of whats going on. You could have been drawn right into that one and you weren't. Good for you but when I learned that doing this over and over, detaching , is actually good for the a. If you had taken part in his tantrum you would have validated his insanity but you didn't. In fact there's a good chance he was left to feel his own feelings and get some awareness of the reality of his behaviour. Keeping this up brings sanity to the whole family and is the right behaviour to model for our children.
