The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm spending a lot of time with a person I love. We're on holiday together. I love this person but this intensity is getting to me a bit. She's set in her ways and im trying to practice live and let live. She's negative. A really bleak outlook on life most of the time. I feel like I've got two options. My outlook when I express it sounds like I'm preaching and trying to change her or looking down on her and I am in a way. I hate that she feels the way she does. The other option I've got and no way is people please her. Lose me to try make her laugh, play the fool, chat incessantly because I can't stand the silence. This was my previous behaviour. I can no longer sell myself short like this now. So we spend lots of time not connected and trying to be polite and civil but also there seems to be this tension where we both know we disapprove of the other. I feel stifled, I'm not being myself because I've got a zeal for life and I don't want her to feel awkward or that I'm rubbing her face in my happiness. I'm trying to use the prayer of st Francis but I also think am I judging and critiquing and who do I think I am. I want God to use me to help her. Why do I think I'm the one who can or of she even needs help. She's on her own path with her own higher power. What do you think?
el-cee - that sounds like a tough situation. It's been a long while since I've had to spend time with another who sees life through that different of a lens.....when I last did, I remember praying and meditating on what was common ground. After all, there is something that bonds you two together - family? Church? Knitting? Sports? I am grasping at ideas but consider when you first met and what intrigued you and see if you can come together over that - one moment at a time....
This is one tool I used when I came to recovery with my AH. After all, we got together and fell in love once upon a time. Over the years, we had certainly drifted apart. It wasn't easy as we met in recovery and he no longer had interest in the program or program things. But, as I prayed, processed and meditated, we also love sports, nature, good food, etc. It took me a bit to set aside my own attitudes and judgments to 'see' the answers and these small common interests helped tons for me.
Just a suggestion - everyone has @#^$ in their past....so I try to have compassion for those who are negative (they will call themself realists) most of the time. It has to be a miserable way to live, so I practice empathy. Take what you like and leave the rest - (((hugs))).
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
That is a great suggestion IAM. I also thought of the idea that alanon meetings suggest that "we may not like all of us but you will come to love us in a special way". We do this by maintaining a connection on common ground by identifying with each other. in a healthy fashion --In meetings it is recovery When out on an adventure trip with another I would stay in the moment and the day look for the unusual and entertaining and meet on that topic. I have tried this with my Foo and It does work.
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 12:51:20 PM
I had to spend time recently with someone I work with. In the past I completely lost it around her. This is one intensely negative person.
What I came down to waa to surrender. I could not fix her. I.would not be available to deal with her. The change was not confront ti g her, not getting exasperated. That boundary helped me put of that spot.
I stopped beating myself up about the situatipn. I stopped trying to change anything. I honored my own boundaries. That was really new for me.
Maresie
The life strategies that you have used to change your life may not be the one this loved one needs to change theirs. R u trying to be a fixer? how r u doing now el cee? Sincerely linsc
