The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I will try to keep this brief. I need to leave my boyfriend of seven years, and it is killing me. I truly just need the perspective of outsiders who do not know me for guidance.
He has been an alcoholic since (long before) day one of our relationship, and for two years it was a vicious three month cycle of on-again-off-again, my being the one to end the relationship due to his drinking and depression only to come back to a "rejuvenated and healed" man I loved so much. The recovery/relapses came and went, and I was out of the picture for almost a year without contacting him whatsoever.
We came back together, his promises of being better, my boundaries "established" (but never firmly held as I am here writing four years later). In four years, he has come to recognize he is an alcoholic and went through the "script"- trying to sober up on his own with varying degrees of success, only to relapse harder each time, the months of "anger drinking"/"depression drinking"/"manic drinking"/"paranoid drinking" hitting us like waves in a storm with very limited moments of calm and peace in between.
I see a therapist and am in Al-Anon. He has seen a therapist and a doctor-a recovering addict, himself- but cannot come to terms with AA or rehab. His doctor has been experimenting with various medications for anti-anxiety/anti-depression (safely and gradually) in the last two months, something he never told me about. The result was the scariest psychological break I have ever seen in him. Not knowing the influence of medications, I assumed this was just his final fall as an addict to hit rock bottom. Needless to say I was terrified, had to reach out to his family to tell him everything, and created a number of emergency escape plans. After seven years, I finally realized my life was unlivable and I had to leave. The day I tell his parents (something he does not know about and never will) seems to magically be the day his medications finally work, and here I am seeing this man who is self-aware of his addictions, self-aware of the damage his addiction has on his life and mine, so sober and present in a way I have never seen (all moments of sobriety in the past still had manic/desperate undertones...never this), and begging me to try one more time. But I am out of steam and I know deep down I can't do this anymore. I could get into the beautiful parts of our relationship- our families, our cat, good memories- but I know those are meaningless when it comes down to something like this. They have meaning, of course, but not enough to override the bigger issue.
The trouble I have is I have worked so hard to have the courage to leave, and I knew what "leaving" looked like: his being too depressed/angry/drunk/manic to function, my making my decision, and working with his family to get him help and make my departure. I was not prepared to see the boy I fell in love with, a man who is so good and so kind and so loving yet so sick.
I know the curse of the "caretaker" and the co-dependent: we hang on to every little sign of hope, but I feel no hope. I feel the overwhelming desire to take care of him and have him not feel any pain, and I think that is what is causing me to stay. I know this is my glitch, I know this is my problem, and I know it is just hurting us both.
I just need to know that leaving him when he finally seems to come around and get it and be in a place to help himself is not cruel, not unfair, not heartless. Because all I can do is cry thinking about leaving the boy I met seven years ago and seeing him again in front of me, and I can't take the final plunge. Al-Anon and my therapist always tell me to listen to my heart, that I know the answer. I knew the answer- I truly did. I knew I had to leave, I came to terms with it, I have been mourning the various losses that come with this break-up for weeksand now my heart is telling me to stay, to throw away that decision because it no longer applies, he is no longer in that terrifying fit of a mental breakdownbut I know how this works. I know that is the natural reaction of someone dating an addict. The worst part is he knows, and we have been crying for days since discussing the idea of a breakup. I just cant say the words. I cant shake the sadness of hurting him by leaving, but I know what I am doing to him now is worse.
The New Yorker reviewed a book written by an alcoholic about an alcoholic, and in it was the line, "He was a man for which one drink was too many and a hundred not enough." That is where I currently am- one more day with my boyfriend is too many, yet a hundred is not enough.
I have an alcoholic friend who hurt her ankle recently. She was gone for two days goodness knows where. When she was gone I was really worried about her. Today I went and saw her. When I saw her instead of launching into the rescuer mode I just up and left.
I am truly mad at her for making me worry. So now I am taking time fir myself and my things. I have plenty.
It is her birthday on Monday. I had plans to be with her thin . Those plans are put aside because of course she can't walk.
I know full well the saga of staying, leaving, worrying, obsessing.
Sometimes you can just opt out fir yourself. I seriously doubt my friend can be saved. Neverthekess today I have many many pressing things to do. My friend is still alive. She isn't on her own. I.can g .
Sometimes we just have to give ourselves permission to go. I don't have a for ever clause any more.
I do have needs of my own though. I waited a long long long time to attend to those needs.
Maresie
Welcome Sisu Thank you for your honesty and clarity It is good that you are seeking help in alanon and that you are taking care of yourself.
Alcoholism is a progressive, chronic disease over which we are powerless. Living with an alcoholic we forget to focus on ourselves and instead focus all our energy on the alcoholic. We an readily see the damage drinking is doing to the drinker but fail to notice the terrible damage it is doing to us. Attending alanon meetings, working the Steps with a sponsor allowed me to regain my self esteem , develop new tools ot live by and still show compassion and love to the alcoholic .
When I reached my end point with ex-AH and he left for the last time, I found this website, Al-Anon and began to refind myself. I knew that we both needed space to work on recovery and that it wasn't hopeless, we could always be together again, should things right themselves between us. I WAS hopeful, heard him say he was going to AA. But, while I was delving into Al-anon and recovery, he was partying; lying to me about AA, telling me how sad and lonely he was. IF he had instead truly delved into AA, worked on himself, figured his life out, resolved, etc. we could have tried to reconcile. I waited a while to see if his words matched his actions, sadly they didn't; he was living his wild life his way and I detached more and more. Someone said to me, you can always get married again - and that is a truth I took to heart, IF he did certain things, we could always get back together. I would have loved to have the sweet gentle-mannered man I fell in love with back. Nothing prevents you from getting back together with him if he achieves sobriety.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Sounds familiar. I definitely identify. Prior to alanon, the idea of others hurting mattered WAY more to me than ME hurting. Took a long time to realize that was backwards and and it is actually kinder and less selfish to look out for yourself first.
Another thing I know about alcoholism and recovery: He needs to be able to do it with or without you. If his recovery is contingent upon you, he will relapse.
If it is meant to be, maybe you will reunite when you both have more clarity and separate recovery programs. That would be way healthier anyhow because at that point, you be "choosing" each other and complimenting each other as a couple rather than acting as crutches for each other (which is not a healthy basis for a long term relationship).
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 10th of July 2016 11:01:50 AM
Aloha Sisu and welcome to the board and thank you for the honest courageous picture...that always helps the codependent and enabler consider and follow thru with plans for change. I use to doubt that they could and would until I sat and watch open mindedly and then followed thru by duplicating their actions. "My God I can change" was an early realization and part of the change was to turn my back to go find Jerry F. I remember thinking and feeling and doing the merry-go-round act myself and increasing the depression that my alcoholic/addict and I felt. Yes we also have a negative affect to them also and I did in spades so I quit and so did she and entered the world of recovery...social model recovery where I learned from some other previously sick person how to get well. It was hugely better that psychology and psychiatry cause they didn't ever report having come from where I had and didn't know the territory.
Stick around...come back often and let us know how you are doing it so that we can get well also. ((((hugs))))
Hello and welcome to MIP Sisku - so glad you found us and so glad you shared.
There is much to digest above me - suggestions around that which you can change - you! Choose you and seek recovery.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
