10 MONTHS not minutes. Correction

I do not pretend to be an expert on either human behavior or alcoholism but... it seems to me that alcoholism deadens and maybe even kills some of the emotions we take for granted. In their minds, it is all about the addiction. Self examination is either too painful for them to face or just not present. So they blame everything on someone else. There is always some reason for the cruelty and selfishness they display and it is never, ever their fault. Maybe he just could not bear to see himself in your eyes, maybe he could not continue to pretend to be normal, maybe he was only capable of maintaining a relationship for so long! And growing up in an alcoholic family, maybe some of those emotions and feelings we take for granted just never developed in him.

Do keep coming back because there are people here with so much more wisdom and understanding than I have. They have helped me enormously and I am sure they will help you to understand also.

Aloha Mare...welcome to the family I love your post because it leads me to also inventory what it was like for me when I first dragged my butts into the face to face rooms of Al-Anon. I came to understand that not only did I didn't know about this fatal disease and I didn't know that I didn't know...."dumb as a stick" is how I came to describe myself.  I got into the program and followed the suggestions and let the old timers teach me when I got humble enough to allow it.

Both you and "Your alcoholic" ...that is how we often refer to them, are valid in your cares and concerns about what has and is taking place in your relationship.  They do not come with instructions and we are not the brightest bulbs in the bag either.  

I had to start from Step one which was to find the face to face groups in my area by looking in the white pages of my local telephone book and calling for HELP!!!...and then committing to attend for my own sanity Which I believe is what you're looking for yourself.  Go figure ...the program is planet wide and we are not alone.  

Glad to have met you in this space...In support.

Hello Mare - welcome to MIP.....glad that you found us and I for one do think it's a 'god thing' you landed here!

I am a double winner - AA for 28+ years and Al-Anon for 7+ years......I got here through the back door after a long while in recovery. In AA, we (the qualifier or alcoholic) learn about the disease, how it affects us, our relationships, our brain, our actions, attitudes, emotions, etc. It is said that an addictive person stops maturing when they begin their disease. For me, this was quite true. I often had difficulties responding to situations with mature emotions and actions. I will state that every person attempting to recover from this disease is told to 'go to any lengths' to avoid the first drink...

For me, this meant saying good-bye to relationships that caused me more stress than peace as well as avoiding bars, family events, old friends, new friends that acted like old friends, etc. This suggestion never, ever, ever changes - for an alcoholic to stay sober, they must always put their sobriety first. There are no wives, kids, girlfriends, parents, pets that can take priority in avoiding the first drink - which for an alcoholic is just a starting point.

So - if he possibly feels troubled by the relationship, and is working his program, he felt it was best for his sobriety. I love my qualifiers (alcoholics) dearly, but I spend as little time with them as possible if they are bringing drama/chaos into my life. Speaking from the al-anon side, there is nothing worth my serenity today so I will do whatever it takes to avoid my exposure to 'it' - no matter who is causing it.

Al-Anon is for family and friends of alcoholics. It doesn't matter if he's in recovery, not in recovery, active in your life or not. It's a fellowship where we can try to understand more about the disease and our reaction/actions/emotions that may be distorted because of the disease. In your post, you do admit that you are a screamer - my AH (alcoholic husband) grew up with a rage-o-holic as a father. He will get either extremely defensive or literally walk away if I raise my voice. It just doesn't work for him and causes him to shut down.

So - we all have our mannerisms we bring into a relationship. Some are certainly better than others and some are more mature than others. I don't see him cutting and running, and I suppose what you read may or may not have been written by an expert. I see him stepping back to assess the relationship, the affect on his recovery and if it is worth it. What he's truly done for you is given you the freedom to either start your own journey in recovery or not.

We do not focus on them and what they are/are not doing. We focus on ourselves and what we are doing/not doing, how we react, etc. Alcoholism is not a choice - it is a disease. I realize the majority of non-Alcoholics do not understand this and/or struggle to comprehend this. So many believe that all alcoholics are a certain way and statistics point to low recovery and the alcoholic is all to blame and ya-da-ya-da......so - this is why we keep the focus on us, work the same 12 steps and look to see what we can think, do differently for peace in our life - no matter what they are or are not doing.

I came into my marriage with a temper and I was a reactive voice-raising gal. It didn't take long for him to tell me that wasn't working for him. I had a choice - keep doing the same thing and getting the same results or do something different. I worked on my temper and how I handled our conflicts.

I came into Al-Anon to try and change my qualifiers so I could have things my way......I quickly (and unhappily) learned that's not what it's about - it's about changing me so I don't own or wear anybody else's 'stuff' but my own. I came with a black/white thought process and I now have shades of gray. I came assuming my life was unmanageable because of them, and found out I was a part of the issue. Lastly, I came to fix them and ended up fixing me, and getting the best gift of all - confidence in myself, peace of mind and freedom from living my life based on what other people felt, thought and told me.

Keep coming back - do it for you....not him, not the relationship but for you. Seek out local Al-Anon meetings - you'll never find a greater fellowship to help you with issues in life than in recovery. You are not alone and there is help and hope!

Welcome and I'm glad you have found us.

I've been at the receiving end of this treatment twice - once from an alcoholic and once from a non-alcoholic.  Because of course dysfunction is not found only in alcoholics!

I notice several things about your situation that were the same as mine.  You had a guy who seemed all in - you met his family, he met yours, he was preparing for an engagement ring - someone who was sure about commitment was 'the man of my dreams' too, after so many unavailable or wishy-washy people.

What I found out is that this is typical of a certain kind of man - the impulsive man.  He impulsively gets into a relationship feet-first and it seems to be going great and he declares he wants to be with you forever, or other kinds of promising longterm thinking.  But then suddenly it's over!  And you can't believe it!  Because how could he turn on a dime like that?

What I've learned is that it's all part of the same pattern.  Quickly in, and then quickly out.  Totally for, and then totally against.  I hadn't really known him because I had taken his devotion as true feeling.  Instead it was the feeling of the moment.  But when the next moment came along, there was a new feeling.  This was a shock, you can bet.  I had so wanted that devotion to be true - I mean the long-lastingness of it.  It was hard to acknowledge that it was just part of him being a volatile person.

Your guy has already been married twice (both of mine had too!), so you know that sometimes he even gets himself into marriage.  My guys did too, but they married quickly - definitely in the first year of knowing the person, in one case in the first months.  Then when they were done, no dilly-dallying - they were out.  In every case they were the one who left the woman.  Yikes!  Not a promising track record.

Another pattern they had was that I did have my problems, absolutely.  But they weren't problem-solvers, I mean "This bothers me, I hope you can work on it," etc.  They were grumpy but in, maybe, and suddenly their way of solving it was to be out.  So even though I was the one with some of the problems, their method of tackling it was all-or-nothing.

Here is the ultimate dysfunction I brought to the situation.  When they left, I was devastated.  For one thing, I hadn't seen it coming, because of their abrupt ways.  And I had jumped in too soon too, because I was so overjoyed to find someone with whom I seemed compatible, and who would commit and seemed devoted to me.  Now I know that the first six months is always the honeymoon period, and that the real issues and personality of the person don't start to come through until months 6-12.  So now I would be cautiously assessing during those months 6-12, instead of concluding that all was great and that we could start to be permanent.  I thought I had a handle on who they were, but I didn't.  And then when they left, just like that, it triggered my abandonment issues and my craving to "win."  This goes back to my neglectful parents and my quest to make them acknowledge me and value me.  I never was really able to do that the way I craved, because they were so dysfunctional.  But that same quest got triggered and I became almost obsessed with winning the man who had left me back.

In one of those cases, I did win him back.  And what happened?  Another blissful period, and then he left me again in just the same way.

And then I became even more obsessed with winning him back. And I did.  Another blissful period, and then he left me again in just the same way.

I'lll gloss over a couple of years, full of misery and uncertainty for me.  Because after a while, even if he declared that this time was different and he really would be with me forever, I knew better than to believe him.  In the end, he left me again in just the same way.  And I detached and went about my life.

I'm sure he's out there doing that to other women now.

That's my experience.

I hope you will take very good care of yourself.

Mattie,
Exactly!! I think you predicted my situation if I were to take him back IF he returns (which doesn't appear to be the case). It was indeed a honeymoon phase the first 6 months. Jeez! I though I would just absolutely die from happiness. We went on vacations, we home shopped, we Pinterested all of wedding planning, etc. It seemed like I had hit the jackpot. Then the fights started, and probably my fault because my delivery isn't always tactful when addressing things I don't like. Don't get me wrong, my points where valid, but my delivery sucked. Did I mention he has a teenage daughter? She's a great kid, but one of the reasons he stated he was leaving is because he didn't want to hurt her in the event that our relationship didn't work. DIDN'T WORK? Why wouldn't it work? Who gets married to someone just to divorce them? But there was an intense honeymoon phase only for it to be gone - no warning. Or maybe there were warnings and I just choose to ignore them. I don't blame bim entirely because my temper needs improving. I just thought his faith in us would overcome his fear. He had, after all, proclaimed a deep love for me.

Mattie,
I wish I had read up more about this prior to investing my emotions. Your words have helped me so much. I will continue to read your words when I feel heart broken. I tried to rationalize and make excuses, saying that he loved me enough to let me go. I didn't want to believe, "He didn't love me enough to stay." But the more I am reflecting, I believe this is a pattern with him that may or may not stem from his alcoholism. He simply leaves when the relationship doesn't quite add up to the fantasy he has built in his head. Your words have shed light on my own behavior and his. You're right. He would have left the most perfect woman. I just need to keep reminding myself of this.

-- Edited by Mare33 on Friday 8th of July 2016 05:53:03 PM

-- Edited by Mare33 on Friday 8th of July 2016 11:41:37 PM

I am always devastate by these kind of relationships. My expectations are way off. There is something about those who come on strong. I mean it's not lie anyone reasonable would expect t them to be functional. I think I have that element of impulsively too. It's like the intensity, the impulsivity, the all consuming nature of these relationships is the thing I have been looking for all my life. The other thing g that is so,so key is their demand for total commitment when they don't offer the same. Nothing else will do. I know it is for me part of having liw self esteem, high tolerance for frustration and an incredibly romantic ideal. The more I suffer the more reliable it is. Love can be bandied about in very different terms. LI've for me these days comes in different shape . Neverthekess the first love I knew from my family was totally chaoric, ambivalent fraught with tension and tremendously all consuming. That's what I know. Maresie