The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know this is a reality nearly all of us have to live with. I am on vacation now and was able to visit my parents. They are ok, but not functioning like they used to. It is hard seeing them get older but way better than the alternatives.
The oddest part is me noticing them slipping. For so long it was ME always screwing up and them (especially mom) telling me so. Anyone identify with this? I know this is just life. It's just weird. They deserve dignity and choice so I know I need to keep my yap shut on a few issues. Some of their choices (like to drive around my active addict bipolar unmedicated cousin trying to "help" him) seem like train wrecks waiting to happen. Also, there is a long story involving my nearly nonfunctional 74 year old aunt (dad's little sister) who parents have been overseeing her care since my grandparents passed. My aunt has serious mental issues too and they are taking calls from her in the middle of the night about how she is going to kill herself or others (she has been doing this 50 years). She checks into the psych unit every month or so. My parents are basically drawing the line and saying she needs an ALF. She is calling them round the clock with nonstop with threats, drama...
I can't chastise them too much for enabling behaviors that I MYSELF used to take advantage of, but it makes me sad to see them getting used and abused in their late 70s. I know it is their life and they are not senile so these are their adult choices at the moment. I just feel sorta uneasy and have this image like they should be only relaxing, enjoying retirement, grandkids, and travel...Not realistic and I'm sure some of the anger at my aunt and cousin is displaced from shit I put them through in the past. I have no right to lecture them on boundaries. Ugh
(((Mark))) It is a difficult place to be. I do believe that Alanon could help so that maybe you can suggest it and go with them to a few meetings.
Positive thoughts on the way.
They will never in a million years go to alanon...I need alanon due to their refusal to see the need for it lol. Mom is a control freak. That is not gonna change.
Assisted living facility. Actually she is going to independent living with assistance. She probably needs more but is scared and cant handle change/rules/structure. My aunt is too old and unstable to live on her own. She checks herself in the mental ward out of loneliness, yet the idea of a retirement community has her in all wound up too and saying she will "hurt" the other people there. Any stupid ploy to get her way and ruin other's lives.
PC - I can relate. I am the youngest of 4, but the only girl. My parents are 81 - turning 82 this year. Truly, they are in really good health considering their ages. My mother is my concern at this time as she's going downhill faster - way faster than my father. Of course, as with families, there is dysfunction - my father is in denial about my mother's daily drinking habit. She, like her father, became a daily drinker after we all grew up and moved on - as am empty nester. My grandfather passed quite young from emphysema, so his drinking career was cut short by a different illness. The alcohol is wrecking her body, heart, mind, health and spirit. At times, I get overwhelmed as I feel like a part of a disease sandwich - my mother and my son. I'm the only person out of 65+ family who is in recovery, and probably at least 45 could/would benefit from it.
With my Al-Anon toolbox, I was able to go this year, not offer opinions, not offer suggestions, not get frustrated 'outloud' and just let them do and be who they need to be. It was my goal and my prayer for 2 months+ leading up to the trip and I spoke often with my sponsor before leaving. Not only did I allow them to be imperfect - I took my AH with me, who is typically neutral about all things so long as he gets to do everything/anything he wants to do. So - for the first time in my life, I left my ego, concerns, thoughts, past, opinions in KS and drove to AZ.
We had a lovely trip with just a few hiccups along the way. I brushed them off as if they weren't big deals, as that's what works best for me. I brought those home and processed them with my sponsor. So - it was a bitter/sweet trip for me - for the past 5+ years, every time they leave here or I leave there, I am sad as I wonder if it's the last time I'll see them. Having this often present, I've truly had to apply ODAT as it's more and more and more real each day that passes.
This program gave me the inside knowledge that I do not want my last interaction with anyone to be one that leaves me/them upset, sad, etc. My service at this time for them is to do what they can't (they have bad knees and hips so I deep clean and climb ladders and....whatever), do it with a smile on my face, go where they want to go and just seek my peace the whole time.
It's hard to watch them age and be 'human' as I always had them on a pedestal. I see their minds slipping and their driving clearly concerns me. When the time comes, my hope is we (brothers & I) can help them with grace and dignity move forward however necessary for their own safety and comfort.
(((Hugs))) - it's a difficult path to be on, but as with all else, it gets easier with practice. Prayers to you and yours for a lovely visit and a safe trip home. Happy 4th of July...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Why can't you just ask your parents if they like the idea of her calling and putting demands on them. Just tell them it hurts inside seeing them STILL going though the BS even after your BS of many years.
Then let go and let them think about it...
((( hugs ))))
PS: I'm slipping and I know it.....and it's a crappy feeling.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Mark sounds like you have made up their minds about what they will seek out for help or not. Is that from HP or just you? Why do I ask that? One evening when visiting my elder parents who were in a personal World War I decided to get out of the range...detach. Only thing was I had not talked to my HP yet and decided to due such as I reached for the front door handle. I mentioned out loud. "I'm out of here. if there is anything you see that I can do let me know now or I'm gone!" what I got in response was, "Well you are a counselor aren't you?" And I changed my perception of who I should help and how I saw them. With my HPs help I did a session with them together without any comment from them during the time and then after my best effort and respect I went home.
The next evening after visiting hours at the hospital my step-father called me back into the room and they both thanked me for what happened and agreed it was true and they needed to hear it.
You are a counselor aren't you. It's not that you can't do it ...just maybe you won't. Go for it Pink.take your HP. (((((Hugs))))))
