Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

mellymoo · Newbie

Need some support asap

YARNCRAZY · Senior Member

IN MY OPINION,YOU ARE DOING WELL BY SETTING BOUNDARIES AND STICKING BY THEM. MAYBE YOU CAN JUS TAKE YOUR KIDS TO A 4TH OF JULY ACTIVITY AT A PARK OR COMMUNITY CENTER SO THEY WONT SEE THE HULLABALLO WITH YOUR HUBBY AND HIS PAL.

Hoot Nanny · ~*Service Worker*~

Just wondering do you go to F2F meetings. I hope I didn't miss that in your post. It sounds like you are taking good care of you & your kids. Enabling is a tough one. I know you mean well. I really can only support you not really give advice. Do you have any Al anon meditation books? My suggestion is to get a book & look up Enabling in the back. There should be many readings on the subject. Let us know what's up as you continue your journey on MIP!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Do you have a face-to-face meeting? We get confronted with so many challenging situations when dealing with alcoholics that it helps so much to learn the tools and have the in-person support. I hope you'll find a meeting if you don't have one. And glad you have found us!

Setting boundaries with alcoholics is very healthy. Unfortunately, some ways of setting boundaries can't be enforced, so it's always good to have a Plan B and maybe C and D. For instance, what if your husband's friend shows up anyway? Without a plan, you might get sucked into the drama, and if he has hurt your child, I'm afraid he could hurt you too. They're not in their right minds when they've been drinking.

A Plan C might be a place you could go to with your children if the craziness in your house gets out of hand. A relative's house, a friend's house, a comfy motel. One thing I do know, unfortunately, is that when we set boundaries, alcoholics push back. They are full of self-absorbtion and they especially resent any implication that their drinking is harmful or unwelcome. So they push, push, push. Rather than trying to control them (which we can't), we can control ourselves and limit our exposure to the insanity.

Your experience with this guy is a good example of how trying to reason with an alcoholic just leads to frustration, as it would with your husband. They should listen to reason - but also insane people should be sane. The sad fact is that they just aren't.

I hope you'll find a meeting and take good care of yourself.

Leslie Ann · Newbie

I have never posted here before, but I just wanted to tell you I can relate to what you are going through. My husband is a binge drinker and his friends encourage the problem. Some friends, huh? Anyway, I agree with the other members who have encouraged you to remove your children from a harmful situation. If this fool is coming over to drink, it is a super idea to take the kids somewhere else for the fourth and maybe even stay over at a friend's so you are not returning to chaos. Choose a fun evening for you and your kids. Make a new tradition. Tell Dad he can join when he is sober and has sober friends. Or better yet, don't say anything, just don't be there. Best wishes for you and your children.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP Mellymoo - so glad that you found us and glad that you shared. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and is also considered a family disease as most everyone is affected. There is tons of denial that comes with it, so having the program of Al-Anon was a game changer for me. Attending local face to face (F2F) meetings provided me with a safe place to share my story, my feelings, my worries and all else. Not only was it safe, there were others there who understood better than my family, friends and certainly my qualifiers.

It is very hard to set boundaries with one qualifier and super hard with more than one. Now that you've established this boundary, I would hold fast to it. If you feel you are going to cave, I agree with another above me - make a plan B to get you and your children out for the evening. Visit a friend, go to the movies, go see fireworks, ice cream - something special just for you all.

We do not offer advice in Al-Anon but we do offer support through ESH - Experience, Strength & Hope. If you set a boundary for safety reasons, it's considered healthy. If you set a boundary with punitive intent, it's possibly one to revisit. You and your children have a right to live and play in a safe healthy home. Mattie is correct - sharing and enforcing boundaries is new behavior, and most alcoholics will revolt.

Al-Anon primary handed me a program to consider, suggestions for acting/reacting differently, a ton of tools to seek and find my own joy in life no matter what others are/are not doing and steps to get us through our part of the disease. The Steps can be seen up at the top - right hand side. At the top on the left, you will find an online meeting schedule and a link to the meeting/chat room. There is hope and help available - so please keep coming back.

One basic principle that got me through some of my craziest days was, "One Day at a Time"...holidays bring stress; holidays with alcoholics bring stress, chaos and insanity - but the good news - today in only 6/30. Worrying about 7/4 on 6/30 will do nothing but make the days between then and now intense, painful and full of worry about a future event that may/may not even happen. So - if possible, breathe, breathe and consider alternative JIC (just in case) plans.

(((Hugs))) - you are not alone...

mellymoo · Newbie

Thank you all. No, I am new to this whole thing. I need to go to a f2f meeting, but I'd have to get someone to watch my kids, and we have special circumstances with my son. It's hard for a lot of people to understand, but I can't even talk on the phone. In any case, is there an online meeting I can go to? I really need help with this. The last time this guy was over, I had a serious wake up call to just how much I was guilty of enabling him and my husband. The guy was just tickling my son, but it was so hard, and my son was screaming and was in tears after. Not only that, but my son was already settled for bed, and here comes this drunk guy thinking he is just playing because he is too drunk to realize this is anything wrong or scary to do to a 6 year old. This is not the first time this friend has done something dangerous while drunk, it's just the first time it was to my child. He has threatened me before, but I always wrote it off as just him being stupid and drunk. I've defended him numerous times and tried to emotionally support him through some tough stuff. Now i realize just how stupid that was. So what I am reading from you all is that I need to have some plans for safety in place for myself and my kids. Can u give me some online resources for beginner beginners? I really need help with this. It's really frightening to me.

mellymoo · Newbie

Sorry, took me a while to get my last reply out (dealing with my son) so thank you for the resources. I will check them out.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Mellymoo - the meetings here are awesome - some evenings, there is not a chair person but there are others who will talk with you and share their ESH. I know some meetings in my area offer day care, not sure about your area. You can go to the main Al-Anon page and do some reading/meeting research - it's at www.al-anon.org/.

Lastly, there was another new person recently who had difficulty getting to meetings and someone posted a website that has live speakers. I should have bookmarked it but I did not....hopefully others will also give you some ideas on how to get started when getting out to meetings is a challenge.

I do not have special needs children but there is something about a phone call and chaos with kids!!! Keep coming back!

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Mellypoo i too welcome you

Here is that website IAM mentioned

therecoveryshow.com

Also you tube has lots of speaker tapes

Face to face meetings work really well
When you can get there.

Stay safe

Hugs

((((( mellypoo ))))

-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 12:59:52 PM

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Mellymoo. Online meetings were my initial saving grace when I landed here. I have one special needs son too though he is physically independent, child care is difficult, I hear you. You have such a lot on your plate and having to deal with alcoholic selfishness as well. Alan on was the best thing that happened to my marriage, it really cut the mental and emotinal chains which were suffocating me. keep coming back.

mellymoo · Newbie

A4L, thank you! So few people understand the difficulty of childcare with a special needs kid. Usually when I bring it up that I can't just meet someone for lunch or go to a meeting with childcare, they stare at me blankly like what's wrong with me! The fact is that he gets violent... A lot. And so leaving him with a regular person without any special training is difficult, not to mention leaving him with an alcoholic father for a few hours. And while talking on the phone is difficult with most children, it is 10 times as difficult with him. It's to the point that I will usually refuse to do business with anyone who won't use text to contact me. Don't get me wrong, I've got a mini Steve Jobs on my hands. But very stressful. I need al anon very much. If internet meetings and books are my only option, then that's what I will do.

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

You're so welcome. Mine is non verbal but I figure he can be a model one day lol.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Mirandac - thank you.....I was drawing a blank last night!!!

Leslie Ann - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you've shared. Wonder around and shout with any questions you have!

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I just wanted to welcome you and Leslie.

There are lots of online resources www.al-anon.alateen.org will give you lots of information about the program.

As was mentioned, we do have Alanon meetings at this website. From my experience, M-F morning meetings take place pretty consistently. Weekend meetings as you will see from the schedule, take place at different time. Weekend meeting have been taking place less consistently but often Alanon members are in the chatroom at that time. If there is no Alanon meeting, Alanon members will still welcome and support newcomers and answering questions about Alanon and offer own their experience with the Alanon program.

I hope you'll keep coming back for recovery with us. (((hugs)))) TT

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene