I knew that he was in a mood when I woke him up yesterday morning for his appointment at the treatment center.  He grumbled about "having to go".  We dropped the baby off at his moms and headed to his appointment. (he had asked me to drive him up there.)  On the way he becamce very angry and started hollering at me that he was only going because everyone else wanted him to go.  He made the call himself the other day.  I turned the car around and headed back home.  I told him I was not going to take him if he was doing it because he felt everyone else wanted him to and he had no desire to do this for himself.  I tried very hard not to let him engage me.  He waited a few minutes and I guess he realized I was really going back home and was not going to beg him to get help.  He asked me to turn around and take him to the treatment center.

His assessment lasted for almost two hours.  I waited in the lobby and read Marriage on the Rocks.  After the assessment he came out and was very angry.  He said he felt like he was pushed into getting help.  He said he wants to come off of everything escept the weed.  He will have to go to group therapy every Saturday morning for an hour and a half.  He will have to take a drug test every week. I asked him if he was hungry and he said no so I told him I would drop him by the house, I was going to lunch and would pick him up before court.  He decided to go to lunch with me. He was angry through lunch so I read my book. I was becoming angry at this point.  We headed to the house for a bit before court.  We ended up in an arguement.  I let him make me so angry and I was angry at myself for being in this situation.  I lost control and began screaming at him.  I told him that I hated him, was sorry I ever married an addict and wanted him to move out immediately.  I told him that I would rather die than live with him because he was slowly killing me.  I told him that I was not going to end up in a mental institution because of him and that's where I was headed. It was a very explosive situation.

We went to court and the judge ordered him to complete the treatment program he started.  If he stops or drops out he will have an automatic conviction and will have to spend 30 days in jail and pay a $2,500 fine.  By the time we left court he was crying, apologetic and calmer.

I took him to have a physical and that the treatment program suggested.   The doctor told him that he would do a complete physical only after he got clean.  He told my husband to take baby steps and right now focus on getting off of the cocaine.  He said for my husband to ween himself off of the weed last.

Last night I had a feeling my husband had gone to use.  When he got home at midnight I asked him where him money was.  I know, I know, but I couldn't help it.  I calmly and politely let him know that I am not angry at him and understand he has a disease, but I pointed out that it is senseless to make promises about never using again because it's not something he can control at this point.  I really did not feel angry for the first time in a long time. I thought about the disease and not him.  I did not engage with him.  I felt almost numb.  I think I detached and it felt wonderful. I told him that only he has the choice as to whether he gets help or not and my only choice is if I will sit around and play the waiting game.  I was honest with him in telling him that I love him, want him to get better WHEN HE IS READY, and that I will be as supportive as I can without holding him up anymore.  I let him know that at this point I am having issues within myself that I have to deal with and I have to focus on me.  He said he wanted me to give him a chance to make me happy again and I told him that he can't make me happy.  I have to make myself happy.  And that is what I have got to do.