The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello! I've been absent from the Board for a few weeks but I've been working on my program. I am learning that growth takes time. Today I had an unexpected opportunity to see where I'm at.... my MIL found out today that my qualifier drinks. He ended up in the ER after passing out. I am not at home now so his mom got the call to come pick him up. Over the course of their next conversation, Stuff Hit the Fan. Later in the day I got a text from her asking if I could talk.
Fast forward several hours, I have now spent a lot of time listening to both him and her. I managed to not get drawn into the drama. I also held back from trying to offer up solutions. I did promise my MIL that I am living truthfully now (meaning, I am not going to lie if anyone asks me about the drinking) and that I was sorry she had to find out but I was glad that she knows just because bearing the burden myself was heavy. She told me that my FIL suspected it before. She was kind to me. (I actually wonder if my AH is sorry that she and I didn't get into a fight because I could tell he was itching for Someone to lay blame on, har har.)
I never got around to telling her that I think she should try Al-Anon (she did nearly all the talking tonight) but at some point when things are a bit calmer, I'll tell her that I do it.
My AH of course feels like his mother has gone crazy. It was sad, really. If he had Tried to sound more like an alcoholic, he could Not have made a better effort. But here's the point of my story, I listened to him go on and on and for the first time I was able to clearly say, "he's diseased in the head" and not feel sick. I just was like, "oh, what a shame he thinks this way. But of course he does". After I got off the phone, I took a little stock of myself and I said, "hey, self, I think you just successfully managed to be detached during that whole thing! Hey, you did not fall for the bait when he threw out a few of the tidbits of junk ... stuff you would have totally fallen for before!" (Stuff that he said to get a rise out of me.)
I also got to hear about what happens when you try to do a direct intervention with an alcoholic. Wow that did not go well. (MIL and FIL double teamed.) Directly afterwards, AH took a drink and blamed it on them. Considering that my own mom wants me to do that kind of "bash you in the face" intervention, I'm more certain than ever that that is a crappy idea.
Anyway, as sorry of a mess as this family issue is, I feel vaguely pleased that the burden is no longer my secret, and also that for all the drama in the air, tonight at least, I'm ok.
-- Edited by Fedora on Monday 20th of June 2016 02:29:50 AM
-- Edited by Fedora on Monday 20th of June 2016 02:34:57 AM
Hey Fedora - happy Father's Day to all as well! Your share shows to me the power of our program and tools when we can trust and use them. Great job - keep on keeping on!! It wears really well on you....keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good for you Fedora it seems that came out well and that an alcoholic family got another step toward recovery. You did well following the program YAY!! You can share with them what you do and where and when and tell them the meetings are all "open" and then detach again. Sending you more prayers ....((((hugs))))
