The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, I'm new to the site and could use some advice & wanted to see if anyone else has been in the same or similar situation and what your outcome was.
After 17.5 years of marriage, my AH & I are in the middle of a divorce. He has been an alcoholic/addict our entire marriage with the addictions spiraling out of control during the stressful times. After 3.5 years of unemployment due to a mass layoff (with 8 months of that time we were both unemployed at the same time) he finally found a job opportunity in another state. Long distance relationships are hard enough as it is with your average couple, but having a long distance marriage with an active alcoholic/addict is a nightmare. The alcoholic behavior: neglect, lying, sneaking out & excessive spending is more amplified when he would come home for visits. When he took the job I stayed behind with our 3 kids to get our debt under control (we had debt before he lost his job due to his addictions & legal issues from his addictions. The debt, like his addictions spiraled out of control during the unemployment). I had anticipated the long distance lasting only a year but it lasted 3 years. During those 3 years I struggled to get the debt under control, working full time and raising our 3 kids while trying to job search in an area with little job opportunities, do repair work to our house, house hunt & all the other details involved with moving all by myself with little to no help from him. 2.5 years into the long distance his grandmother passed away. This hit him really hard. He was very close to his grandmother (he was the only grandchild, he was the only child of divorced parents & at 18 years old he lost his mother unexpectedly). His grandmother was his last & only connection to his mom & I'm sure he was reliving his moms death all over again when he lost his grandmother. A few months after his grandmother's death he started an affair and started withdrawing from me, the kids & his family. I confirmed the affair 5 months later when he came home to tell me he didn't want us moving & gave me the "I don't love you, I want out" speech. He left the next day & moved in with her & i filed for divorce. Now here we are almost a year later. He has not only cut off all communication with me & the kids but also with all of his family & close friends (except his dad, who is also an alcoholic & who ironically did the exact same thing to him & his mom). He is still living with her & he has started a whole new life & has completely washed his hands of the old one. While I am struggling with the debt he left me & raising 3 teenagers 100% on my own. I'm struggling to understand what the point in my marriage was. I found out recently this isn't the first time he cheated on me and I feel like my entire marriage was a lie. I know I am not responsible nor to blame for his choices but it still hurts none the less. I'm struggling with my oldest, my son has had a very rough time with this, skipping & failing school, smoking weed & drinking, lying, sneaking out of the house & disrespectful behavior. At this point I feel like I should be able to feel relief but instead I am just as exhausted as if I traded one alcoholic in for another. I am praying that my son is just going through a phase with the divorce & that he has not started down the same path as his father (which is a huge fear).
I guess my question is does it ever get better? And if so when? Or will I always be haunted in one way or another from being married to an alcoholic/addict for so many years.
Welcome to MIP ThreeCmom - glad you found us and glad that you shared. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and is never cured, only arrested through some type of recovery. It's considered a family disease as just about everyone in the unit is affected in one way or another. We don't give advice in Al-Anon, we share our experience, strength and hope to assist in each other's recovery.
I would encourage you to seek out and attend some Al-Anon meetings for you! In Al-Anon I learned about the disease and how it had affected me and my kids. I found peace and joy in my heart and life by doing what was suggested and things have improved in my life. Everyone around me is still doing some of the same, but I now have the self-awareness and self-confidence to detach myself from the disease and the affects of the disease.
Keep coming back here - there is help and hope!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome threecmom, face to face alanon meetings
Are a great beginning for your own recovery journey.
I just sat, listened, learned and absorbed for a long
Time, to all the esh experience strength and hope.
Aloha 3Cmom (3 cs as in didn't Cause it, can't Control it and won't Cure it?) and welcome to the board and as mentioned I do not have any advise regarding your situation except the experience hat worked for me and the people who shared it with me just before I got here...which was go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the number for Al-Anon and then call that. Ask the people on the other side of the call where and when the family group meets in your are and get directions and then go of course. When I got to my first one they suggested I go to 90 meetings in 90 days (I knew why...sly buggers) and then I got to 102 in that time. We had over 439 meetings a week I believe and the tri county area so getting to meetings and meeting members was easier. They told me to keep coming back and I have been doing that since 1979 and I still have my life and my mind still in one piece...I now know how to be happy and why and how to be responsible for my own happiness. I fired myself as my life manager and got a power greater than myself to choose that task for me from time to time...I follow and it (higher power) leads and my life comes about often in a scifi manner. No complaints other than I laugh more often than I think I should and don't care to change it.
Struggling is optional...surrender is not. Al-Anon saved my life (really) give it a shot and keep coming back here also...this is family. ((((hugs))))
Thank you! For the past few months my son & I have been in therapy but I have been thinking that starting/attending alanon face to face meetings might be better for me & my recovery. So, thank you for the reaffirmed recomondation. For our entire marriage I kept my AH addictions, behavior & actions to myself. Always making excuses, covering up & cleaning up after him. Always feeling like I was alone. It's only been since the divorce that I've been able to openly talk about it. Now knowing that I'm not alone & that there is "help" available is a huge relief. Thank you again for listening!!!
FTF meetings are great and nothing wrong with
Therapy too. My therapist told me to keep up With
My alanon meetings. Most good therapists will if
There has been issues.
Alanon is where changing and growing comes in,
Alanon heals you from the inside out, its a Spiritual
program about us getting better. Its Not really
about your qualifier.
I did not say much in alanon until after my xah
left the marriage He was dry then this doormat
came off the floor.
I'm also new and struggling!! A short background; my dad was an alcoholic, my current bf is an alcoholic and we have 2 small boys. In between I had a moment of sanity and married a non alcoholic and had 2 kids (now 18 & 20). I'm also working, doing a correspondence degree and trying to start up a business. I have been with this abf for 10 years and recently found Alanon on line. Here on this site. I live on a farm out of town 2 hours from my closest alanon meeting which only meets once a week, Thursdays at 7.30pm and I have no support network and this is a very high crime area. I am reluctant to leave the boys with their Dad since Thursday is considered the start of the drinking weekend.
So, I have been reading this site for ages and learning what I can from the 12 steps. My life has changed dramatically for the better. Detaching was the best thing that ever happened to me and I have been so happy and relaxed. Proud of myself (for once), exercising, stopped biting my nails...
But... I cant move out (until degree is done, Oct this year) then I can get a job and go. For now I am financially dependent and no support. My issue is; I have been leaving him alone, being friendly but not concerned, running the house together, the business and the boys lives and I could handle it knowing maybe the end is in sight but this weekend he went 'hunting' (drinking in the bush). The boys and I had a lovely peaceful weekend, good sleep, no stress, and I saw myself become a much better happier Mum. I accepted his trip before with only one condition: if he was drinking on the day he came home i.e. today, he should find somewhere else to stay for the night and come home fresh clean and sober tomorrow morning. Of course he agreed and of course he was drinking today and of course he came home! So what do I do now. Go to my study and sulk and give one word answers, worry the boys and make the atmosphere horrible, or get over it (again) and carry on as normal and make him think he's off the hook and he can come and go as he likes and my boundaries are pointless? What does the programme say? Once I've accepted detachment, must I never again discuss the issues; drinking, his family, the effect on the kids, my rights etc. Do I just leave everything, get calm again and wait for the day I can get out? I do love him still but in a very different way (friendly, mutual parent) to how I did in the beginning. Do you guys all just stay in your own space and truth and not confront, discuss, express?
I want to cry mainly because I've lost the lovely calm disinterested place I was at. (as we know that helps nothing). Im feeling angry at the powerlessness of him just being able to come here into this peaceful time and ignore my requests and rights. Years ago I would have taken the boys, packed bags and driven into town, found a hotel... but now I realise that will make it worse and more disruptive for them. And we have school/creche tomorrow.
Sorry to ramble,
So do I say something, sulk or pretend I dont care? I know you cant give advice but if you just tell me what the programme says. Or anything actually
Welcome Lisa I am happy that you have been able to gain support on line since your alanon face to face meetings ar difficult to attend Your situation sounds very difficult and I salute your efforts at recovery.
Program suggests that we learn t o keep the focus on ourselves, discover what we need and then:" say what we mean,and mean what we say without saying it mean. Remember the serenity prayer and the slogans:" let go and let god and How important is it -- they saved my sanity and gave me the ability to stop reacting big time.
I too wanted to post a quick welcome Lisa - glad you found us and glad you are here!! Keep coming back and your plans sound like a great plan for self care!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
