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My A has a compulsive spending habit. We JUST re-financed our house to pay down some bills, and that included two of his CC.
I recently discovered that he has already maxed out one, and started using the other (to buy alcohol). He has also been insisting on me getting at least a part time job, even though I have two wee-ones under age 3 here. (one is still nursing). I recognize that any extra money in the house wouldn't go towards the rest of us, but would only give him the green light to him to spend even more on himself.
Is this one of those things that I know I can't change so accept his behavior? I mean, I obviously don't think he's going to change, but is this one of the unnaceptable behaviors? whenever he gets paid, I feel as though I have to squirrel money away as fast as possible so I have some for groceries and such. Is this enabling him or taking care of myself?
I understand the alcohol issue and detaching from that, but when it affects the entire family, how do I handle this?
I'm so confused. He, of course, wants me to take it and doesn't understand why I don't want to work, as most every mother he knows works at least part time. I'm sure part of it is that he doesn't like having to be responsible for all of the income. I can understand that pressure, because I did it for several years.
I like the job. The pay sucks, so with daycare, taxes, gas to get to the job, etc would eat up all but about $400/month. I just don't know if it's worth it in the long run. Again, then I wonder if taking it would just be accomodating him and enabling him to have more $$ to spend...ish. it feels like I'm going in circles on my thinking.
Luckily, the job doesn't start for another 2 1/2 months so I have time to let it go for a while.
Hi, Iko, Keep coming back, we're so glad you are here. What you are going through is very confusing and very, very hard. Please make sure you find a face to face meeting - one where children are welcomed! - and find a sponsor and work the steps. When you start to focus on the Steps, you will discover that you will begin to know your own limits and boundaries, and will also learn what is acceptable to you and not acceptable. We are very glad you have found us here. Your being here is good for our recovery, too. Blessings, mebjk
As long as the A is using it will get worse. I found for me, the best thing to do was set myself up as if I was not married. Then the A would have no control over me, plus when and if he left I would be ok.
Of course you have to protect your children. I can see how sick he is when he tells his nursing wife to go to work.
I don't believe being married to, or living with an A can ever be a conventional type marriage. I would never have my name on A's credit cards. I took mine off my house and my vehicles.
You have answered your own questions. When we don't know what to do, we don't know. So don't make any major decisions. I agree too, get your own account. I would be squirreling money into it too from his pay. Please protect you and the kids from the disease. It loves to suck us dry.
I think the financial stuff is a very difficult issue. I used to think the A had his finances up to date. He never really did. If I had had some centeredness I would have been able to spot that a long time ago. I did stop rescuing him that helped.
I think it may be a long hard climb for you to get separate and get your own finances and with two small children that will be quite difficult. I know it has been tremendously difficult but very necessary for me to stop rescuing the A from his financial stuff. I sit on it now.
I know for me developing my own financial plan has been helpful. I am starting to execute it and know it will be a long hard job to disentangle myself. Nevertheless the more I do it the less dependent I feel.
He, of course, wants me to take it and doesn't understand why I don't want to work, as most every mother he knows works at least part time. I'm sure part of it is that he doesn't like having to be responsible for all of the income. I can understand that pressure, because I did it for several years.