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This is my first time posting here. My husband of 2 years is a functional alcoholic. We have his two kids full time And our newborn. I'm trying to figure out if is verbally/emotionally abusive. How can I tell? How do I know? how do i recover from how he treats me? At what point do you stand up and defend yourself? Everytime I do, it seems to just escalate the situation but saying anything kills me inside. What can I tell myself when i feel beaten down? What can I remind myself when he chooses liquor over me and the kids?
I'm sorry you are going through this. If you feel the need to recover from how he treats you, that sounds like abuse to me. When he chooses liquor over you and the kids, realize that you didn't cause this situation, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. But you can change yourself. Also realize that the alcoholic's brain is working differently than a healthy person's, and that's why the behavior is what it is and why he responds the way he does. That's why it is so infuriating. It really doesn't have anything to do with you, although I know that probably doesn't make it hurt any less for now.
Please consider Al-Anon meetings. Some meetings have childcare or would be fine if you bring your baby. It's important to know that you are not alone, and you can hear how others have coped with this situation. You can gain the serenity and calmness to decide what is best for you to do.
Welcome, thanks for sharing. I understand how you feel as will most people here. We have all been affected by alcoholism and can all identify with what you are going through. There is hope. Alanon is a recovery program for the family and friends of alcoholics. We all get sick with this disease and we all need help with it. The alanon website will tell you where you can get to a meeting in your area. Often when one person gains some sanity the whole family improves.
anonymouskb - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you shared. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that affects all aspects of the drinker as well as the family. You can find peace and joy in spite of what he is or is not doing but seeking help and support for you - as you have by reaching out here! There is always hope for a better day and I found support, hope and tools to be, live and react better and differently through Al-Anon.
I encourage you to seek out local meetings, as having people close by who understand is a great gift in our program of recovery. I realize it may be hard with kids...in my area, there are some meetings that provide daycare free of charge. Al-Anon will help you better understand the disease and give you tools to have your own peace of mind, your own recovery and your own joy.
I too am sorry for your pain - you are not alone. Keep coming back here and be gentle with yourself as you move through your day!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Just by reading your post I came up with abusive...you do not have to be physically abused...emotional and mental abuse is often much worse that the physical. Glad you made it here and asked for feedback. Now its about taking action on the feedback. Leave it up to the disease it will get worse. One of the descriptions of this disease is that it is a fatal disease. It does kill often. Get support and help. Keep coming back (((hugs)))
Welcome, Sharing here will help you answer your own questions. Please keep posting and thinking things through, we are all here to support you.
My experience with verbal anuse was very confusing
The abusive people in my life often confused me, made me doubt what was happening - made me feel as if I was blowing things out of proportion or distorting the truth. It was their way of protecting the abusive behavior, and protecting themselves from accountability for their treatment towards me. There was a lot of put downs and lies told with smiling faces. If I was honest about my feelings or told the truth, I appeared to be overly emotional or irrational next to their lies and calm demeanors. My family was toxic too, and supported the abusers.
It was really hard to see things clearly until I found courage to tell someone what was going on. I found validation and support, that helped me get out of those situations.
I now look at not just the words or actions of a person, but how they make me feel. If someone in my life makes me feel worse about myself, makes me feel afraid, or makes me feel very confused because of their lies I need to examine that relationship and decide if I want that person in my life. They may not fit any one definition of abuse, but these are toxic people.
The effects of abuse are real and, in my experience, difficult to shed. I worn rose tinted glasses and thought that if I could remain kind and sweet and all the rest eventually my husband would see that there was another way of living that did not involve hurting people. I did not recognise the price that my own soul was paying on that journey until I realised that I always cried when someone was kind to me; my usual loving teasing comments carried nasty barbs that were secretly intended to sting; I started to like myself less than I used to.
I resolved to protect my self-esteem at all costs so that I could return to being someone I liked.
I developed my own medicine. I call it 'my equal and opposite force'.
When my husband was rude, uncaring, unkind etc I gifted myself something lovely, enjoyable and kind. I started small, that was all I could muster at the time a hot bath, a lovely walk, a new tapestry, a morning painting and then I learnt I could do more... go and visit friends for a weekend or to take in a stage show or sign up for a course. I learnt to make my own fun and enjoyment, because, as the advert says, I am worth it!! And now I no longer need any nasty behaviour to act as my excuse - I simply enjoy life as much as I can! (OK, so I slip from time to time and feel a tad sorry for myself, but the remedy for that is more of the same - do something nice!).
I remember the last time that my husband was downright rude to me I can't remember what he was saying or doing but I do remember thinking to myself 'there is a lovely holiday in this for me'. What I do remember very clearly is my husband's face changing, he looked a bit surprised. I am guessing that he must have seen how relaxed, almost happy, my own expression had become at the thought of that holiday because he just stared at me for a moment and walked away. Whatever it was he thought he was doing we both knew in that split second that it wasn't working any more!! Yay!!!
I think abuse comes with the territory unfortunately - but that does not mean that we have to accept it. The remedy for all that abuse is, in my life, lots of laughter, the creation of good memories and taking time to be kind to me. ((((Hugs))))
-- Edited by milkwood on Wednesday 15th of June 2016 02:04:56 PM
Love your approach- i too buy tangible things lately (comfy office chair for home was one ) it helps me feel we are not 'doing without' due to buying alcohol to keep partner from relapse time to time during crisis... Its helped me to keep focused on my own self care
Welcome to MIP SSM2016 - glad you found us and joined in!! Keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
He's definitely verbally abusive when drunk. Last time he was drunk, he called me a c*** and said he doesn't even know why he married me. That one was hard. I cried a lot of tears. And I didn't even stir up the anger to make him say that. It just came out of no where.
When he's sober, I do everything I can to make sure not to cause him to want to drink. And I can cause him to want to drink. Even though it's not my fault he drinks, there are times where I might do things that make him feel he needs to drink.
When he's sober, he will come home late without calling. He will get frustrated with me if I ask him more than maybe one question a day about family affairs(like what he thinks we should do with a bill or if we should register one of our kids for something).
He makes dinner every night. I remember that. I'm so grateful for it. Sometimes he waits to feed us until 8pm. The kids can't wait that long so I let them snack but I never know how much to let them snack because he doesn't tell me when he's going to cook.
He tells me I overreact. He tells me I'm over emotional. He tells me I see the negative in every situation.
Is it possible all those things are true? And if they are then why would that make him emotionally or verbally abusive?
After he called me the C word, I told him about it and he cried and was genuinely sorry. But I know better then to think that will prevent him from getting drunk as he got drunk tonight.
Hello and welcome, Living with the disease of alcoholism is dreadful and certainly does affect our self esteem and self worth. Attending face to face meetings helped me break the isolation caused by hiding away with this disease and then to learn how to keep the focus on myself, stop blaming or judging others and then look at my goodness. Alanon suggest that we make daily asset and gratitude lists and practice validating ourselves without invalidating others. It is a great tool to use when someone is judging you and tearing you down.
i urge you to seek the support you need so desperately and keep coming back-- You are not alone
Would you mind giving me more information on that list of validating ourselves without invalidating others? It sounds like a great practice.
Is there anything in the al anon book about how to deal with verbal/emotional abuse/neglect?
Even though my husband doesn't want me to ask him questions that are perfectly normal, should I keep asking them or should I cater to his emotional neglect? Should I ignore the name calling or let him know how it makes me feel(when he's sober)? Those are the questions I was wondering if the answers are in the Al anon book
Hello kbanonymous -
I am a relative newcomer with just over a year in Al-Anon so I speak from my own experiences living with active alcoholism and a bit of program. I find that reality is warped for the A and although they may say things that are hurtful and untrue about those closest to them while intoxicated, they are seeing things from a view that is clouded by alcohol. The disease is cunning and baffling and will say and do whatever is necessary to feed the addiction. My A's favorite lines include that I am overreacting, and that I am a hypocrite and that I am mean. No matter how hard I work my program, he is going to say these things when he is drinking. It just is a given. I have found for myself that talking about it (even when sober) does me little to no good. He often gets defensive, and a struggle ensues. Otherwise, he may seem to really take things to heart when he is sober, but when he is drinking, all bets are off. He has no clue he is being irrational and cruel once he is intoxicated.
So, in my case, I have to focus on me, not on him. I try to not listen to him when he gets like that. I repeat the serenity prayer over and over in my head while he is ranting. I go somewhere else, if I can do it without him following me. I try to let him be, hit his own bottom, make his own mess to be cleaned up himself. I try to tend my side of the street and if he follows me over to my side, extract myself from the situation. It is not easy, but every day in the program it gets better for me.
I cannot tell you what the books say about specific issues, but I can tell you that every piece of Al-Anon literature I have read has helped me to calm down, refocus my attention to where it needs to be and realize that I am not alone in my journey. Others have gone before me, walk beside me and unfortunately will follow behind me. But we can all get better, one day at a time! There is hope for us!
(((hugs to you)))
__________________
Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
We need to accept that no matter what we say or do that we are powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic. Focusing on ourselves is the answer.
I found that when I am talking with my FOO, who are not in recovery and have many negative coping tools, they will attack me at times over different issues. I listen, hear what they have to say, and then stay within my own principles, say something Like:"I am sorry you feel that way and I want to add that this is not the way I see it. I believe that I am a kind, compassionate, generous, understanding person who works hard to be supportive of others. Since you are entitled to your opinion as I am to mine let us move on " This usually leads to a more productive conversation.
Alanon books,From Survival to Recovery and How Alanon Works are excellent source material to review. Alanon suggest that we do not engage and that we detach, and not jusitfy,argue, defend, or engage with others. In essence we stay inside our own being and feelings, pray, and not engage
When we practice keeping the focus on ourselves, we stop asking others questions about what they are thinking or doing or feeling as a way to connect and communicate. Instead we risk shaing our day , our thoughts and happiness without expecting others to support us or identify.
Recovery is a process and takes time I am glad you are here.
