The material presented
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Hello all, I've not posted in quite awhile but am reaching out to you all for support. I am married 25 years to my AH. We go round and round the alcohol merry-go-round. The lies, being impaired when I expect him to care for the children, driving under the influence, avoidance, smoothing over...polite roommate, no affection. I am so weary. I started f2f meetings for myself in January this year but since then my 17 year old son (oldest of my 3 amazing kids) was hospitalized twice for major depression and suicidal thoughts. He is safe now, thank you God, and moving forward in his life with lots of good support. I was so struck between the eyes during this time that I feel so alone - that my partner, who should be a source of strength for me is just...unavailable...checked out. I think I am done. I will go back to meetings now, post here, and focus on myself and my children. But, I am disappointed and grieving. As much as I know, intellectually, that his disease, his alcohol comes first, it is so so painful when the family is in crisis. Thank you for reading.
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Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
Hugs .. So sorry for the struggle. You are not alone. In my case I did leave .. Guess what he remarried and nothing has gotten better lol. He's stopped drinking he's still not helping with the kids. There is a long story. I'm grateful for a lot of things. Hugs to you .. You are not alone.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Newleaf, I hear you. Sending hugs your way. So happy to hear your son is safe and moving forward. I have also lived with an alcoholic spouse as well as had a child with depression. I understand the fear and the grief for what we wish we had, versus what we actually have. It is truly a miracle that we find enough strength to carry on. I applaud you for making the decision to focus on yourself and children.
Going to F2F meetings, sharing here online, and reaching out to others who may be able to help you and your children, that I think is where hope lies. I learned that I was not alone, I just had to look in the right places for knowledge and support.
Newleaf - good to see you again. So sorry for your family issue and so glad to hear that your son is on the mend. May you find your strength to move forward however you need to for your peace and joy! You deserve happiness - take care of you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Newleaf and just an additional note that your son is qualified for Al-Anon also if there is no Alateen available. He could have his own meetings and you yours and then he sould not be left out. Give him the gift...Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Thank you all for the virtual hugs and shoulders to lean on! The support goes along way, as you know, to feel you have others taking the same journey. I will accept what is and move on from here. I told my AH tonight that he needs inpatient rehab - that I cannot continue on the path we are on, that I want him to be here with me and the kids for the future, but I will not sit by while he declines in this disease. Feels good to speak my truth.
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Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
It is hurtful when we become aware of how unavailable the alcoholic actually is. They cant meet many needs in almost all of there relationships from the simplest things to the big crisis, they just dont have it to give. I dont believe its that they dont want to, they just dont have it. Its like the idea, dont go to the hardware store for bread. Well if its support and help and all the rest you want then an alcoholic doesnt have it in the first place. Its hard for us but imagine if you were the one that cant feel the good or the bad. There arent any true good or bad times. Your relationships are not very deep because you cant feel it enough. I look at the drinker in my life and feel like hes a ghost, just kind of passing through, feeling ill at ease in almost all situations. Picking up the bottle to feel some sense of comfort. Its just awful to watch and its awful to not have the person fully in your life. All we cna do is adjust our expectations to realistic ones and when we feel disappointed readjust because thats where the problem lies.
It's like you are in my brain. I told him it felt like living with a ghost....that I am alone and I hoped he could come back. It has taken me such a long time, and I still am not completely there, to understand what the disease has done to him. I am a big girl, I can handle this loss, but I do feel sad for my kids that they will not know him completely. I pray that he goes for treatment so we can salvage what we still have.
Thank you for responding.
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Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
