The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My spouse has been sober now 28 days. Part of that was in the hospital, but she's been really committed to not drink and trying to make herself healthy, talking to a counselor and working on healing. She is still very sick physically and looks it still. It's a hard road.
Anyway, she's come clean to her friends about being an alcoholic and they've been supportive, but in different ways. One, giving suggestions about healthy drinks and detoxing. Another close one who is talking to both of us (her husband is an alcoholic but still drinks, so we help each other by talking a lot), and one more helping me with reminders of items that have alcohol to get it out of the house for temptation's sake. Now, the rest of the friends, though trying to be supportive, are going about it the wrong way, and it's been upsetting to my spouse because she is adamant that she's not drinking but these friends don't believe her. In fact, they are the big drinkers of our group (one being the husband of our supportive friend). I find it very hypocritical, and it's not helping in the recovery process. My fear is that it will push her to start drinking again.
Tonight will be our big test as we are meeting for a grill-out. My spouse doesn't want anyone to act weird around her and there will be alcohol there. I'm not worried about her, because she has taken the initiative to make her own healthy drink we aresharing and other provisions in case temptation strikes. What I'm more worried about are those "supportive" friends who are alcoholics, too, that will make a scene and embarrass her, which will be devastating in her recovery. Should I step in and say back off? Pull those to the side and tell them quietly to cool it or what? Suggest they go to al-anon with me, since I've dealt with this for years now, and their approach is detrimental to get recovery? This is new territory and my protective claws are out because I want her to succeed. Short of having to completely cut off ties, she will lose (both of us) a best friend who isn't acting like this. Thanks in advance.
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
I would suggest that you can pray and support your partner and that's about all that our program suggests. The other side of the house does recommend avoiding playmates & playgrounds for a period of time as well as avoiding slippery places/events. If you all have decided to go, it's on her to use her program to stay sober and it's on you to use your program to keep your serenity.
When I first got sober in AA, I did not go to places where I would be tempted. It just wasn't worth it to me at that time. As I grew stronger and understood more about the program, myself, etc. I pruned away many of the friends from before and replaced them with healthier people.
I'll send positive thoughts and prayer for you both and hope you have a lovely outing!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Gabigail, how are YOU feeling? How do you feel about the grill-out..for yourself? You aren't a life-support system for an alcoholic. She will sink or swim, no matter what you do. How are YOU feeling? Is it good to be around people? Is it stressful? Do you miss it?
How is it for you?
I think you know that you can't make life "perfect" enough for your spouse to be sober. She will do what she needs to do.
How is it all working for you?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thats what my ex did too, you loose friends
they stop Coming around to drink or bum dope.
I loved that part not to have strange people
Popping in. He would go off working for a few
Days and i would go stay with my mother.
It takes awhile to be ready not to want to
Drink in certain situations. Like stopping
Cigs i chewed gum in the car, went for
walks at break time. The hard triggers.
Eventually i dont think he thought much
About drinking again because we were
Around it again but it was at casinos. He
found other things though So there is no
easy straight road.
Yeah, I was afraid maybe I'm getting too involved again...the detachment then the reattachment thing is a cycle I have a hard time breaking. It's that codependency thing in me that keeps me a little insane. You're right, I have to see how I'm feeling. I'm worried about these friends being an ass for lack of a better word. And I'm worried I'm going to open my big mouth and continue the drama. I want to go. I just don't want to hang out with certain people. I also need to trust my A to make the right choices, too. I know she's been apprehensive going. If we go, it will be a short night as her energy level is really down from the illness. Thanks everyone for your kind words as always. I will keep working my program and refocus on me.
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
gabi - your spouse probably knows this but I will post it as a reminder - always have your own transportation and leave when you want/need to.....this was very helpful to me newly sober especially with family. I would just say, "It's time for us to go now - great seeing you." It helped me to have my statement prepared so I didn't have to defend my choice to go when I was ready and not when it was over.
Remember that you each are creating a 'new normal' - stay in the present and use PAUSE if uncertain. And try to be on the same page about the depart. plan - that seems to often cause a bit of anxiety so pre-discussing has been helpful in my world!
I fully understand - keep in mind, when we slip we don't always fall. It's not by accident - it happens to help us learn and grow. We are all works in progress!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
