The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am really struggling with anger and sadness tonight. I have been working hard to work my program and put the focus on me tonight, but not doing a very good job of it.
My AH was in recovery when we met and married so I never knew him as a drinker. In fact, he told me he didn't drink...he was in recovery from drugs. In 2009 he took a drink...actually that first night he took about 20 drinks....and I should have clued in then. The drinking wasn't a daily activity at first, but soon became a focal point...as did all my insane behaviours. I had been a regular practicing member of Al Anon for years, and had stopped going around when I met him because of course he was clean and sobeR, and I had "graduated" (ha!) from the program.
I got back to the rooms about 2 years ago and have had to really focus on the first step. He became progressively worse, and thankfully I was practicing enough program that I was mostly keeping myself detached, with love, and healthy. He hit a bottom about a month ago, and for the first time, admitted he is alcoholic ... And he went to AA. I was cautiously happy and continued to try to focus on my own recovery. He has never been a big fan of recovery meetings, however he was going and was talking to a guy with years of sobriety. This week he used an excuse not to go to the meeting he had been attending, and when the guy called him, he said he might go tonight but that we had a family dinner before.
25 days in and tonight he drank. We had the family dinner and about halfway through I realized he was getting progressively drunk. He was sneaking intomthenhouse, and of course folks had brought beer with them, and he was sneaking beer in the house but drinking Pepsi outside in front of me. Clearly I have not been as "on program" as I thought!
I am sick at how upset I am about this!!! I feel like more of our marriage has been him drinking than sober, and tonight I just feel like I'm done. I love him and think I am committed to our marriage, but I'm tired of watching him kill himself. He has progressed from a guy who is a happy go lucky drunk to someone who falls off balconies; drives while drinking; and most recently showed up to play a praise and worship gig in a church (he's a musician) loaded. He is not careful with himself when he drinks. He is a potential harm to himself and others at times.
It's a no-win situation ... When he drinks he messes in the bed because he passes out so hard. I have taken to sleeping in the spare room on those nights, not out of anger but more because it is so unpleasant to wake up in a wet bed. He gets upset when I sleep in the spare bed, saying I'm acting differently because he is drinking. He's not wrong! My program tells me to care of myself and put boundaries in place ... Not sleeping with the threat of a urine stained bed seems to be a reasonable boundary.
I have never given him ultimatums, but sitting here tonight, I feel like tomorrow I need to tell him he has to go to AA if he wants to live in our home. I have reached out to my program friends tonight, have been reading, trying to focus on the serenity prayer....and I just can't seem to get past this pit in my stomach. I don't feel like I can keep living with this,....and that kills me to say that. I know I didn't cause it, can't control it or cure it ... But I'm also not convinced I can live with it. I keep handing him over to God ... And I know God has a plan for him, but I also have to wonder what God's plan for me is in this regard. Thanks for listening.
Welcome to MIP SandyG - so glad you found us and glad that you shared. I am so sorry for your pain and do relate to what you've shared about your feelings and processing of events. In moments of relapse in my home, my head knew the facts of the disease and that relapse was possible, but my heart wanted to continuously debate and hold onto hope for things to change/improve...
It is through the program steps and principles that I've come to realize a disconnect between my head & heart is not wrong or bad. It is what it is - and when I am in turmoil over someone else's choices, I so need my HP and my program to help me realize I am worthy of joy, peace and serenity and this too shall pass. Two things that popped into my head that help me often/always - QTIP - Quit Taking It Personally and JADE - Don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. These have saved me from countless discussions and hours of wondering what is wrong with me...
Hang in there and trust your program to lead you where you need to go. You are not alone - keep coming back!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you both. A beautiful program friend just reduced me to tears by asking me to consider that perhaps my HP (whom I choose to call God) might be calling me, gently, to put my faith in His will and surrender mine....that He is in control even if it doesn't seem like it. That's exactly what I need to do ... Surrender! Not put conditions around my willingness and acceptness. I know there is freedom in surrender ... I just need to fall into it and let fully go. Of this anger, the hurt, disappointment....of all of it.
When someone doesn't get why you would object to sleeping in a bed wet with urine, you know the disease has a deep hold on him.
I know your emotions must be as turbulent as mine were when the insanity became really apparent. The reason Al-Anon recommends working the program hard before making any major decisions is not because those decisions are necessarily wrong. It's that we may not yet have the tools to handle the aftermath in the most protective way. I went back and forth on splitting up with my A - I hardly knew up from down. I'd ask him to leave, and then he'd declare he wasn't drinking any more, and he'd wear me down, and I'd be sad and lonely, and I'd believe him (and sometimes he was working a program, though he'd drop out again soon) - so it was back and forth, back and forth. That's why I wish I'd had more recovery under my belt before I made the big decisions. I hope you have a meeting and maybe a sponor? Take good care of yourself!
I let my marriage unfold it took awhile. I was
strong Enough when it happened to handle
the fallout. I dont know if i could have really
Left before then.
