The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Perspective taking is key to many things in my life. For me it helps to understand where people are coming from, where they have been and perhaps the motives behind their current choices.
Having dated an alcoholic, who now is in recovery; I find this to be even more helpful as I try to navigate the relationships that I have with other people. Other people that have strong opinions about what Alcoholism is and isn't. For people that say "You have my full support...but..."
A friend shared a story with me this week about her good friend who from what I can understand is struggling with depression and has gone to other means to find happiness; taking pills, having an affair, drinking, etc. For years I have expressed that my ex was struggling with depression and much of what he did was to mask who he was, hide behind the bottle so he didn't have to show his true self and take riskes so that he could feel the highs that he couldn't feel due to his depression.
My friend had very little empathy for my situation; "why would you stay with that; I'm happy for what ever you want in your life BUT..." and yet she tells me this story of a friend; who I know and have interacted with and seems to profile with similar "red flags" as my ex did; and yet it's "I feel so bad for her husband; she's not happy beccause every relationship goes through ups and down; a social worker gave her tough love so now she's getting better."
It baffled me how she saw those two situations so differently and yet I see them so much as the same.
She views my ex's battle with alcoholism and depression as a detriment to all man kind; but she see her friends battle with depression and probably some addiction as a "blip" in the radar and a natural part of a marriage.
I attested it to she never could fathom that my ex and I never got married or that we didn't have kids. She can't take my perspective of why that's not for me right now. And her friend followed the path of go to school get a job, get married, have a kid, be happy. And so she values her other friends at a higher standard than she does me. Or maybe not; but tryting to take on her perspective helps me to not be mad at her for thinking two different things or taking it personal. It just allows me to think about it, put it in the "box" i need to and focus on the next thing.
Each and everyone of us is stronger today than we were yesterday and will be stronger tomorrow than we are today. And yet none of us are weak; and take on that perspective of the alcoholic or recovering alcoholic in our life...those are some of the strongest people because every day they fight something that none of us may not understand and other understand all too well. Some fight and win and others fight and lose each day. Either way to think we all aren't fighting to be where we want to be is a perspective I wish we could change.
How very very knowledgeable and empathetic Crau. It is from open spoken perspectives like yours that I have learned to accept unconditionally and love in the same manner. Mahalo nui...thanks so much for bringing this to the board. (((hugs)))
Crau Unless you have lived with the disease of alcoholism-no one can understand the disease or our reactions to it.They do not understand that by living and coping with the insanity of the disease we too have been affected.
Trying to make someone "see" is another example of our disease. it is "Going to the hardware store for bread. Alanon meetings are filled with people who understand as few others can . That is where I can receive the support and empathy I need to recover. My family and other non- program friends are not capable of providing this support so I do not share with them.
As for your friend I guess you can agree to disagree and move on.
I guess my point is just that, by taking on someone's perspective I am able to understand why they can't see the things the way I do; there is no disagreement just a difference of perspective. And to be able to take on someone else's perspective doesn't meant you have had to experience the same thing...because at the end of the day even all if us in al anon haven't experienced the same things; yet we have a common thread.
Perspective taking is thinking about what it could be like to be another other person in a given situation. It's a time to reflect why each person responds the way they do. It gives us no answers but allows us to better process all that we hold onto in each relationship we navigate (whether it be with an alcoholic or not).
I appreciate all the perspectives here!!
I guess keeping the focus on myself helps me to understand why I say what I do and do what i do. That is the focus that I need to have in order to live my life with courage, serenity and wisdom and remain teachable i can have empathy and compassion for others while allowing them the right to their opinions.
I have also stopped judging, blaming and critiquing others so that I am able to respect their process. The slogan "Utilize and stop analyzing comes to mind". I have stopped "mind reading" another's motives or "figuring them out" and so have begun to understand myself.
As we say at the close of meetings "The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who shared them. Take what you like and leave the rest"
