The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When things with my AH are not going well I am very good at detaching and that has been a wonderful gift of this program because he can be in any kind of mood and I am able to get on with my own life. I can do the things I need to do for myself. But my AH doesn't drink every day and goes through periods of not drinking too much of being someone I enjoy being around and pleasant and loving. And that is when I get drawn back in. I lose myself in the relationship again. I become too attached, too enmeshed all MY old caretaking, controlling over extending habits kick back into gear until the next episode and I have to detach again. I can honestly see that my becoming over attached would happen with just about anyone I was with so I figure learning to detach with love and live more interdependently with my AH is good practice for the rest of my life. I've always known that I respond to my relationships differently than others. I had friends and family that still seemed to be ok and even happy when they weren't getting along with their partner. I've always wanted to be able to be that way. I'm currently working with my sponsor on step 2. Sometimes I wonder if it is because for most of my adult life I made my relationship with my partner (whomever that was) my higher power. I looked to that relationship as a barometer for how valuable and loved I was. As I work away at step two I can see how having a higher power to trust and to look to for support can help with this. Getting validation from myself and my HP are much better than looking to anyone else for it. OK now I'm really rambling. Any experience strength and hope would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks so much KT...I don't see this as rambling and as rocket science. I use to watch others behave and respond as you have mentioned here and thought they were in qualification stages for "sainthood". These were the members who "practiced, practiced, practiced our program of recovery and who had what I wanted. I love those times and moments I am able to achieve the peace of mind and serenity that the program offers and feel broken when I am not and still having a chance to change it still.
Detaching with love is huge for me. I had to learn a different definition of love in order to get there and then practice another form of detachment. I am so grateful to have the program and its elders willing to take the time and effort to teach me to achieve this. I count you now as one of them. Mahalo. (((((hugs)))))
KT - great share and great thread.....I agree with Jerry - for me to learn how to detach with love, I had to truly examine how I defined detaching as well as loving. My views and definitions were distorted as a result of FOO as well as this disease. I had to learn that detaching wasn't selfish or mean or ignoring, it was instead putting myself first and ensuring my needs were met before I tried to be of service to others. I also looked at detaching in relationship to how others defined enabling, and lovingly stopped doing for others that which they should do for themselves. Should replaced could as I progressed in this program as I learned how to be of service without expectations by checking my motives and then taking action.
My view and definition of love needed a total revamping. All the songs of my teen years - "Can't Live....if Living is without You" and "How Do I Live Without You" and "How am I Supposed to Live without You?" and ....... All that is not love - needing another to complete me, fear of abandonment if/when they don't call hourly, unsettled when I don't know where they are, had to go out the window. I had to spend a ton of time decided what the word love truly meant for me and how to separate myself and my self worth from the actions, words, attitudes, etc. of others.
I do believe you are half way to a different way of thinking/being - awareness in my experience + willingness = a new way in HP's time. (((Hugs))) to you - I can fully relate and share there is hope!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you both so much. I really found your posts helpful. I think it does take practice. I also agree that I need a new definition of love. I am here I agree with you about music so much of it is an unhealthy definition of love. HUGS to you both!! I'm going to keep working away at it.
Thank you so much for sharing - it was very helpful. I too have a hard time detaching with love, my frustration is still at a bubbling boil and it just erupts.. especially after periods of not drink and AH being such a loving person - then flips into this alien nasty creature I don't seem to know...
