The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays C2C speaks of step 6- being entirely willing to have our defects removed- and the fact that we might cling to certain defects because we enjoy them on some level.
It suggests revenge, and the plotting and planning of it as a potential example of a defect that might be hard to give up and suggests that recovery will all have been for naught if we cannot give up defects such as these and that in order o heal we have to surrender our defects to HP along with everything else.
"I know that help is waiting only for my acceptance, waiting for me to say 'Not my will but Thine be done" (The Dillema of the Alcoholic Marriage)
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Interesting; I don't plot "revenge" so much as catch myself imagining "how it will be when they figure out I'm right". That's probably the worst defect I seem to hang on to, the idea that eventually, they'll see.....when i catch myself thinking that way, I know I have some work to do.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
The whole plotting revenge thing is definitely one of my defects that I need to work out of my character. I don't mean any extreme revenge.....but if I feel slighted, or insulted or offended, I immediately think how I won't whatever it is the next time something comes up for them. I usually don't follow through on it.......but it is my immediate thought.....how I can slight THEM, or in some passive-aggressive way show THEM how I feel! I have been aware of this for some time, but now I know it is a defect that needs to go!!!
Powerful Share Ms. M. I find that this reading is oh so true as I experienced a relapse into "sarcasm" on Monday. I was enjoying being mean and self righteous and kept telling myself that this"defect" was my "true self" and that I am fooling myself believing that my "true self" is that I am kind and generous etc.
That was a huge relapse. Yesterday my HP's still small voice pointed me to this page and I understood. It is progress not perfection and even though my old defects have not been completely lifted, I am willing to let them go and have HP direct my ways. I like being kind, considerate and respectful to others my old ways which I developed as a response to living with the disease and to protect myself and are unacceptable.
Thanks MissMel - great reading, great share - your service is appreciated. Monday must have been a 'special day' as I too was faced with an uncomfortable situation. My oldest son decided it was a great day to share on the phone that his life issues are all the fault of me and my AH - I was way too neurotic and his father was never present and full of sarcasm. Quite Frankly, my first reaction was to drive to his house and smack him upside the head. My second thought was to defend or justify. Instead, I paced while he was talking, and then said I was sorry that his view of his growing up was so bad....we have very different views of 'that' period, but what is the point in trying to convince him differently?
While often my first thought is old behavior, I am so grateful this program has helped me see that's not the best response.....and even more grateful that this program has taught me that no response is also a choice. I will say that the crazy train in my brain often needs more than hand brakes to stop/pause though.....and every now and then again, I have actually said to myself, I wish I weren't in recovery so I could 'shoot off my mouth'.....ha.ha.ha.ha....that's a fleeting thought (thank you HP) and I know I feel much better in my own skin when I work to respond in a kind, loving, mature way!!
Happy Hump Day everyone - love and light to all!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I like this topic as I definitely still do this and need to really work on it. I have been having some revenge thoughts this week - if I catch him drinking again he is out of the house and we will get a divorce and he will then see what a mess he made of his life and our family. I now see that I have been really slacking on my recovery and really need to refocus and get to more face to face meetings. I thought once he stopped drinking all would be great but I really found out how sick I was due to growing up and marrying into the disease. I really enjoyed this reading today. Thanks for the ESH.
I have so many defects of character I can't count them. I am grateful there is a way to combat them. I recognize them & work this step. I have been able to make some of them go away or at least get them under control. That's one thing I can take control of. W God's help I can also accept myself as is flaws & all.
