months ago, I really didn't know what colour of the sky was, I was so we wrapped up in insanity. Its amazing what even small changes can bring about and I'm grateful though still have a way to go. I was perpetually guilty feeling, always trying to accommodate crazy and not really even knowing why. The small voice whispering "this is crazy" was drowned out by the intense desire to fix everything and be happy. It seemed so possible and so easy. If he'd just go to a 12 step programme! If he'd just plan ahead! If I just have the house perfect! On and on ran this rat on her wheel. I've let go of those if onlys. The thing about alcoholism is how thick it is. So many of his behaviors became normalised, which is why breaking the isolation is one of the most powerful things that happened for me. Now I can hear something and go, yup that's insanity speaking and not get drawn into it. The invitation is always there. But my self esteem is growing again and I value it as a powerful asset. So many times in this life, it wasn't there. Ego was there but ego is indeed a balloon waiting to get popped.