The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My friend recently got sober. She was a problem drinker...maybe on the road to alcoholism. I was proud of her for seeing that she could be on the verge of alcoholism and quit before it ruined her life. She's almost 90 days, and boasts her sobriety to anyone that will listen, which I understand that may just be her way of validating it and keeping her sober, though it can be annoying and seem attention-seeking.
This weekend I was with her, and she was describing the night before with friends and a new guy she is seeing. She mentioned that cocaine was involved. I assumed that meant she didn't partake in the drug doing, but I didn't ask for details. A few hours later, her friends are smoking pot. It was a surprise to me when she accepted the bowl. She proceeded to act overly high, and kept referencing it in the same attention seeking behavior.
I'm an adult child, and I can't help but feel like she just doesn't take her sobriety seriously, as a result it's impacting me deeply. She is now involved with a guy who does drugs, and even though he seems like a perfectly nice guy, I feel nervous for her, and also angry and betrayed.
I'm conflicted, does everyone feel pot is considered a relapse in sobriety? What can I do?
Welcome Ninja I cannot honestly answer your question regarding pot and alcoholism. I believe that AA asks members to remain drug free but I would check this with an AA member. I can suggest that if your friend's behavior is upsetting you then Alanon or ACOA meetings would help you greatly. The hot line number is in the white pages and face to face meeting are held in most communities. keep coming back.
My ex boyfriend smoked pot. He said since it is 'basically legal', smoking it was no big deal and it was better than drinking more. To me it was just 'one more addictive behavior' on a list of concerns for me. And he drank as well - sometimes becoming mean and definitely making reckless choices. (in my opinion) However, Al-Anon has helped me see that it doesn't matter whether a loved one is 'really' an alcoholic or addict or not- what matters is that *I* am affected by their use of the substances and their resulting behaviors and treatment of me due to those choices. I don't know if my boyfriend was a 'social user', or mildly abusing substances, or had a true addiction. It was not my role or job to put a label on him or ask him to change his behaviors to make 'me' feel comfortable. My role is to take care of Cyndi. His choices made me feel uncomfortable, unsteady, and old codependent behaviors were coming up in me. Back to working MY program for me!
Check out the Al-Anon site online to see if there are some meetings local to you. Al-Anon has helped me learn detachment which is a true blessing, because I have a couple of friends who are big drinkers.
Hugs to you, and you are in the right place!
Cyndi
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
My AH has many addictive behaviors. He tends to focus on them each as separate issues. It is possibly too hard to think of himself as an addict in general or maybe the layers of denial are just so thick he can't peel it back all at once. . . It is not something he has clarity around so there is no way I could really understand it either at this point. He won't even have an open discussion with me about it.
When we have talked about it I hear a lot of excuses and get his disease telling me how mean I am for judging him (just stating facts but facts he doesn't like to think about)
I try to stay on my side of the street. He is an adult man who can make his own choices, what am I going to choose? It was baby steps for me in the beginning - I stopped helping him use; no rides to or from bars or medical dispensaries. I stopped being around him when he was using. I am getting to the point where seperating out his addictive behaviors is more natural for me, but it is still hard some days when he is trying to cover up his use or lie to me about it.
He is making some progress - he is going long stretches without alcohol now. But he is not working a program and it shows. In truth though, it doesn't matter too much to me. With my alanon tools I no longer feel quite so desperate to save or fix him. I am coming to accept who he really is and respond accordingly - detachment with love is a powerful tool. I am not mad at him for being an addict, he is sick. I however don't have to live with all of the fallout, I can choose what is right and healthy for me.
In my experience it's pretty common for addicts to swap addictions around. When my A wasn't drinking hard, he was using drugs - even more than I was aware of at the time. When he couldn't get those, for a while he was on a gambling binge. He has also become a compulsive eater and is about twice as heavy now as when I met him. I've known others who have the same syndromes. In my experience, explaining this all to them has exactly the same effect as explaining the consequences of their drinking - resentment and denial. But in my experience you are on to something when you suspect that your friend has merely replaced one compulsion with another.
I have a simple mind set that distills (?) all of the chemicals available to me...Mind and Mood altering? no thanks regardless if they have been manipulated into legal or non-legal categories. We know how the disease works and we know the manipulations we have faced that the drinker and user can use in spite of us. I like this post. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 6th of June 2016 01:13:02 PM
I concur with Jerry - for me and my recovery/program, I refrain from any/all mind and mood altering substances, legal or not. I've worked hard to be 'clean' in everything so I even shy away from supplements, OTC medications and rarely take tylenol/ibuprofen.....
What is awesome is because I rarely take anything, in spite of my recent injury, the ibuprofen/tylenol that I am using now for swelling is more than enough for the pain.
I also agree with Mattie than many will substitute one substance for another. Is it better? I don't know as it is not my program. Do I worry? At times, but then I remember this program tells me to focus on me and let them take care of themselves.
You sound like a loving, kind and caring friend! Perhaps it's time to just step away for a while and see how you feel when you are not exposed to her choices? Just a thought - Al-Anon can help you with your AC issues and better coping with aspects of the disease(s) of addiction.
Welcome aboard the MIP train - glad you are here and glad you posted!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I don't find pot to be good for an addictive personality. Living life without being buzzed takes earnest effort. Then there's all the thinking feeling responding that needs cleaning up. Your friend doesn't sound there yet to me. But I'm glad she lead you here and hope you stick around a bit.
