I'm not struggling or torn really I'm just trying to sort out my feeling/s .. lol .. sometimes I joke I only have one to deal with I know that's not true however there are some situations where all I have got to give is ambivalence.  That's a really odd space for me to be in because it's just empty. 

This is where I am at with my mom at the moment.  I do not know the answer today and maybe I won't for a while and honestly I'm ok with it. 

What has shocked me the most about the current situation with my mom is the idea that she has set me up to fail because of her own fear.  I can deal with everything from my childhood except for that part of the deal.  Setting a kid up to fail because of a parents fear .. I just can't get past that part of things.  I don't even resent her because at this point I'm an adult my choices my responsibility .. I look at my kids and think .. setting them up to fail?  Seriously?  It has become so clear in dealing with her and the fact I didn't do what she wanted me to do in terms of moving to Texas instead of California. She realized how far out of line she was the last time too and with me there can be no going back when I'm in this space. 

She has been sending the occasional email that has no bearing on anything I am interested in or need to be aware of, when she leaves on vacations, the last one was about sending some stuff the kids left last year.  It's all bogus to try and reel me in.  Well I did respond and let her know she's more than welcome to contact the kids for misc information as far as addresses and so on, however I really don't have anything emotionally to give nor do I want to.  I tried to just stick to the facts and let her know that it's me and what I have come to realize about our relationship that leaves me with a large feeling of ambivalence .. I'm just done and I realize that somehow this will get twisted and it makes me a horrible person and then it becomes about her .. I'm just not interested in her drama and trauma.  So pretty much .. what does she want from me because I'm just not the person she is going to get what she needs emotionally from .. I'm pretty done at this point.   As it happens .. I'm not cold and unfeeling .. I just don't do the manipulations anymore. 

My mom is sooo ultra critical that it's overwhelming and all I ever heard was what was wrong with me and why wasn't I different.  She has never liked much about me which I get is really a reflection of her and not me it took me a long time to get through that part and honestly it has only been recently that I've been able to let go of that kind of disappointment.  ironically she adopted me so she picked me .. it's not like I asked her to .. LOL. 

So I told her I was dating and that she wouldn't like my choice of men and why and I don't care.  I'm actually happy.  Things are not perfect I sure don't need her to tell me that .. I'm fully aware of it.  I told her about the comedian who stopped his show to tell me how much he liked my red boots and my laugh.  I have been so hung up on what she thought and I did not share that I think I picked men that were based upon what I thought she would like vs who was really better for me.  So I stated my truth, I really tried to stick to my side of the street and I tried very hard to say what I meant, mean what I say and not say it mean.  I kept it relatively short and tried to stay on track. 

It was an interesting awareness to come to and at this point there is no fix for it and I'm not even looking to fix it .. it just is .. this space that I'm in leaves me just seeing her just as a stranger and I feel ambivalent which is really not a good space for me however it's apparently where I need to be at the moment.  I'm actually ok with that ..

Hugs S :)