The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A has been sober 18 days, but has been in the hospital the last week.
My mind has been in a virtual fog the last week, trying to run my spouse's business
and working my job and juggling everything. I'm exhausted. And today a bit emotional.
I was talking to my A on the phone to see what she needed and how she was feeling, etc.
she said great, except she had bad dreams that involved me moving slow and refusing to do
what she wantes me to do quickly, and it's put her in a bad mood. I told her that it was just a dream, but
she wouldn't let it go. (I was thinking later, why is she sharing this unless she's trying to make me feel bad....because of her dream!!) Then, she kept asking me if I did this and that. And I hadn't yet, and I was getting
upset because I just haven't had time. I work two jobs and my car has been acting up and trying to deal
wirh that and her workers asking when they'll get paid (cuz they don't want to bother her) and we are supposed to go on a walk for a fundraiser and do a garage sale this weekend and a graduation party. So I started to cry because I'm overwhelmed.
i couldn't help it. Then she was telling me how I was making her feel guilty for even asking and that she can't tell me anything anymore because I dissolve into tears and its been that way for a year (I've been like this most of my life when life gets hard and I can't handle it).
so now I feel like I'm back into insanity, and I can't do anything right. So, is this what people talk about when dealing with a dry drunk? Because she's stopped her drinking cold turkey, but is not doing a program. I think having her in the hospital is a blessing in disguise because when she's back home, I'm afraid this will just be the tip of the iceberg.
so, what can I do, besides work my program and if I cry I'm not berated (which I was as a child. My dad couldn't handle emotions- "I'll give you something to cry about!" And neither can my A who insists I'm happy all the time or I'm trying to guilt her).
I guess I am back to Step One. Thanks for listening!
Gabigail
__________________
Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
(((gabigail))) - it does sound as if you have a ton on your plate. I totally agree with what you wrote - I always go back to powerless when I am feeling left of center. It tends to remind me that being powerless is not bad, it's just a reality. Returning to Step 1 also helps me better 'see' the insanity around me and realize that relying on my HP is usually all that will get me through it...
Hopefully your load will lighten soon and you can find your peace again. HALT came to mind also - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired - and helps me do a quick check on where I may be in need. It sounds as if you are over-extended and tired; don't forget to take care of you!!
Positive thoughts and prayers headed your way!!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
