The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH is two months sober in AA and our home environment is much improved. He is working hard and I can see the big changes. This past weekend we were invited to stay with my sister and her fiancee. My AH, sister, nephew and dad (along with a few others) attended the Indy 500 to celebrate my Dad's birthday. This is the kind of trip my AH would have never wanted to go on just a few months ago and I would have been on pins and needles the whole time if he did accompany me, that he would make a fool of himself or be drunken and rude to my family members (AGAIN). The weekend went well. My DH is not a big fan of my sister's fiancee, so that was hard at times, but all in all it was a very nice weekend.
Anyway, fast forward to this morning. My Dad calls me to say that he can tell that both AH and I are going through a tough time right now and he wanted to make sure I knew that he was there for me, whatever I needed. He went on and on and was just trying to be supportive but my immediate reaction was to take offense. I didn't let on to my Dad that I felt that way. All I said to him was "Thank you. Just so you know things are much better than they were. AH is working hard in AA and me in Al-Anon and we are both getting healthier. Please don't worry about me, I am ok." He said "I know you think you're ok. You're not ok, you're just strong. I hope things improve. DH has a lot of anger and I am sure things are hard."
I hung up with him and cried in my car for a good 10 mins before going into work. I am so embarrassed that after spending a weekend with us, I know they were all talking about us and not seeing things the same way I am. Things are so much better right now it's not even funny. I am trying to take this as a loving "I am here for you" call (my Dad lives on the East Coast and we don't see him more than twice a year) but its hard. It makes me not want to do things with my family cause they're just judging and watching us.
The past two years were the hardest in our house DH's drinking was out of control. He was a horrible person to be around and before I found Al-Anon I worked HARD to keep that all a big secret. Now that it has been out in the open in the past year that my DH #1 has a problem and #2 is now recently in AA it was a big relief to me to not hold the secrets in, but it seems like the family members that are now informed are free to judge. I almost wish they were still in the dark. I am just not understanding my feelings, they don't seem to be rational, but they are very real.
Hi Coopsmom, I hope you enjoyed that finishing lap at the Indy 500 this year!
Since they were kept in the dark for so long, maybe they don't really know how hard it was for you. Maybe they are just now seeing it and noticing things.
If things really are getting better, and it definitely sounds like they are, eventually they will see that. But they will never really be in a place to be able to judge you, before this, now or ever. That's where I take the slogan "it's not my business what others think of me" to heart, and try not to worry about it, I know they will never have enough information to really judge.
I am new to the program so don't have much wisdom to share but boy oh boy does your discomfort strike a raw nerve. You are heard. Sending positive energy your way.
That thought slogan worked for me also Kenny from the first time I heard it and I learned from it that I was worried and fearful of what I thought others were thinking about me. LOL insane. Thanks for the reminder and share. ((((hugs))))
What is important is you feel things are in a better place. I really can relate to what you said and just wanted to let you know I have been there. Sending you positive thoughts and prayers. So glad to hear you and your AH are doing well.
Hey Coopsmom. I can relate to this post. I spent so long keeping up the illusion of a perfect marriage and family and did such a good job (to the detriment of myself and my family) when I started attending Al anon people noticed a change. Instead of the same old same old "I'm fine, I'm great everything is perfect" message I gave my whole life I started to be more honest. Many people liked the change and appreciated it. Some saw it as a big concern. One of the things I changed was I started to share more with my best friend about issues in my marriage. Before Al Anon I had pretended everything was perfect or that I had it all under control. WHen I started attending al anon I decided to be honest with her about issues I was having since she always told me what she and her husband were struggling with. I also decreased my interference and distraction from my husband's behavior. People are starting to see some of his flaws that I often tried to keep hidden or draw attention away from. Unfortunately she didn't see this as a good thing. And I can see how all those years of keeping secrets and essentially lying to her made her very confused. She had a best friend who she thought had a near perfect marriage for 10 years and then in her view all shit hit the fan. Suddenly I was being more open about my feelings, showing more disappointment and sadness at times. My AHs iratic behavior was more apparent when I wasn't drawing attention away from it. She is someone who might benefit from the program as well but she doesn't go. I also got the impression that she was talking about me and judging me for some of the stuff I shared with her. But I decided to look at it as if she is talking about me and judging me that is her issue not mine. I can't control it. And definitely can't control what other people think of myself or my husband. In the past other people's judgements used to rule me. I didn't trust my own so I asked everyone else what they thought about certain things. But I didn't share really important things that bothered me because I was afraid they would judge me and I would have to respond to that judgement. Now I have much more faith in my ability to make decisions for myself. I trust my own judgement more and more every day and that is a gift and a great relief. I don't go asking others for their opinions to the same extent I used to. And when I do I don't do it looking for someone to tell me what to do. I do it to take what I like and leave the rest ;)
As time has passed with my friend she's adjusted to and embraced the changes in me. She's come to the realization that I'm not a crumbling mess. She has seen the strength, calm and peace that has overtaken me and she's happy for me. Give it and yourself some time. Sending you a big hug!
So sorry (((coopsmom))) that this situation upset you. This shows how far reaching the disease can be. What you see/feel/know to be improvements isn't always seen/known by others. I believe that fear drives so many actions/reactions that we find upsetting or offensive....could it just be the fear your father has for you and your well-being?
The program tells us what other people think is none of our business. This is difficult for me at times when it's my parents as there is a small 'me' inside that still seeks their approval. I have come a long way, but I suppose this might always be in me. I've gotten much better at not taking personal what others say/do/think with the tools of this program and have chosen to keep my sharing and updates limited to my program friends and family.
My parents do not understand the damage this disease has caused and therefore believe that pure choice is involved. They pass a ton of judgement my way about my boys and my AH. They are not going to change, so if I want to be present in their lives, I must. The less I say, the less they say. It's become a territory of non-discussion and that's worked for me. I do not respond when they talk about others (don't gossip any more) and respond when they talk about me.
Huge hugs to you - I am sure he means well.....
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Its hard with family they want whats best for you,
You want whats best for you and Its often not the
Same thing.
I found it hard being with my xah and my family, he
Was prickly by nature. When we were going thru the
Divorce i told my mother i would not discuss it at all
And i didnt. She just wanted to slur him and that was
Not helpful.
There is a huge difference in being supportive vs being
Protective. I much prefer supportive people willing to
listen who are not judgemental and dont have there
own Agenda.
Hang in there, you survived the trip And visit. Keep
working on you and go forward, one day to a time.
