The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays c2c discusses the very wise notion that "an expectation is a premeditated resentment". It goes on to say that when resentment is felt, we can look to our own expectations as a likely source.
The reading reminds us that we have the right to define our own standards but that we do not have the right to impose those standards on anyone else.
"I have accepted myself and I'm beginning to accept other people the way they are each day. Now I have fewer resentments". (Living With Sobriety)
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It's fascinating to me that I didn't even know how overwhelmed with (and drowning in) resentment I was when I got to al-anon and yet, now that I have been largely freed from it, the weight off my shoulders is just enourmous. Almost EVERYTHING that made me miserable before was an unmet expectation, of others, of myself, of the universe.
I expected my life to be "normal like everyone else's", my partner to be "normal like everyone else's", my child to be happy all the time, hard work to be rewarded, kindness to be met with kindness, and on and on and on. It didn't matter that experience had shown me time and again that I was doing the same things over and over and over with the same result, because my efforts were SUPPOSED to pay off and I was going to just keep trying until everyone and everything did what they were SUPPOSED to do and then...well, i'd be happy right?
Ha. Without all of those expectations of what SHOULD be, I am free to enjoy and work with what IS. I can enjoy people's good points instead of being consumed with their failings (including me!!) The less expectations and thus resentments I have, the more room in my life I have for good experiences, learning experiences, and joy.
So much win
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Loved this reading and did so appreciate your reflection Ms. M. I too was filled with unrecognized resentments when I first entered alanon and often unconsciously pretended my life was perfect as I compared myself to others who looked perfect. I learned that I was comparing my insides to their outsides and that was not an equal comparison I also learned how to stop comparing and simply focus on myself. Thanks for your service and wisdom.
When I expect something & don't get it I set myself for a resentment. Resentment is a number one offender. I just need to remember that I shouldn't expect then I won't be disappointed. It is important to remember that we can fall into a trapwhen we ddon't let something or someone get us angry enough to cause a resentment. If we do it is ourfault not theirs.
Thanks MissMel for your service, the daily and your ESH....I am one who came here with all kinds of faulty thoughts, including unrealistic expectations. It took me a long while to realize how I thought, felt, learned, acted and reacted was not the same as others. What I value may or may not align with what others value, and what a foreign but freeing realization!! Of course, in thinking that we all had the same moral compass, my expectations led to resentments over and over and over again....how could they not?
The program has given me the ability to just let go of others - people, places and things. The program has shown me that instead of comparing and competing with others, I can celebrate our differences, and respect all as children of HP. I am now very, very unwilling to place my expectations on others especially as it relates to important parts of my life. As I've been restored to sanity, and my thinking has cleared, the gift of confidence and self-reliance has been very helpful in managing my outlook and expectations of others.
I am so grateful for the gift of humility. My ASon who is active has been asking for help getting groceries every other week/so. The last time I arrived, he was dirty, high and really not ready for prime-time. It pushed my buttons as he was not raised this way.....I had to bite my tongue and discuss with my sponsor. So, thinking we are due for a grocery store outing, I sent him a message suggesting that if/when we went shopping together, it would be nice if he would be clean, sober and ready to go.
Before program, I would have droned on and on and on and on about how he wasn't raised this way, and what was he thinking and why do you have to be told as an adult how to present yourself and ...... with program, I was able to not react, discuss with my sponsor, and respond with respect and kindness. It did not eat my lunch for days nor did I miss sleep for worrying.
Great reading today and great ESH! (((Hugs))) to all!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
What a great share, and so spot on to how I have lived my life for so many years. We all see the movies, and read the books, that portray fantasies. That's what we have to remember...they are fantasies. We also have to remember, that as we have our own hidden secrets in our lives, so do others. They may not deal with alcoholism or drug addictions, but a majority of the world has their own skeletons in their closets.
As I remember that, I can recognize that as I try to squelch the voices inside of my head that try to make me expect more, that I need to focus on the blessings.
