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for those that dont know me .. a brief catch up. I adopted a neglected precious 22 month old child that is now 11 years old. Detaching, even with love. I cant seem to do, I feel I am still raising/parenting him. I let him face consequences for his actions.
The loss this child has faced ....... He lost his birth mom to an overdose at 20 months, which also caused the lost his 1/2 sister at the same time she was 8 then and a big part of his caregiving, she was moved to her fathers home. He lost his great grandparents and grandfather between ages of 8 and 9. Over the last 5 years his birth father, my exAH has been in and out of jails and rehabs and he has finally ended up in prison due to is addictions.
Ive had him with councelors and he takes meds for adhd and tourettes, and recently for some depression. Im doing everything I can possibly think of to prevent him from following in then footsteps of the past. When he is with, the few friends he has.. (losts of aggression and social delays, have casued this) something "sketchy" always happens... last night ... He called whispering to me that his friends kitten died... the story of what happened is still unknown. I cant decide if the call was quilt, or upset his friend did something... He came home instead of spending the night... Im scared to death. He already has developed the awesome personality of "conning" and "sweetness" and justifying all that happens "around him" ...
He doesnt use alcohol or drugs, he does some risk taking and is accident prone because of it ... We dont have alaonon F2F anywhere here..only adult AA - they welcome adult alanon..
any suggestions??
He has a new psychiatrist .. but I dont think medication will help this... he already takes it for his other issues..
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
Therapy. Both with you and on his own. A therapeutic/structured social skills group with other kids. He may have reactive attachment disorder that is contributing to all this too. You are right that he would be addiction prone and is on the cusp of developing some antisocial traits too. He has genetic predisposition and life stressors (both nature and nurthure) acting upon him.
In my own experience it can be dangerous to have a list of reasons why a child will have issues because its almost like giving them and you an excuse for behaviour whether good or bad. Your son has had a bad start but why does that define him? and also it discounts what he has now which is you a Mother who cares and loves him. He doesnt have to feel the pain of his early years unless those early years are used as an excuse for him or you to not take responsibility for choices made. He has the same chances as anyone else if you view him as the person he is right now.
Many of the teenage mistakes are developmental milestones. Age appropriate behaviours that everyone goes through. The minute you put a 'reason' or excuse on it you are making a victim of him and that is a whole new ball game because it delays the growth through this stage of growing up and will keep the expectations for his life low. He will look to blame others or his past for his choices and will take no responsibility.
It could be that you have your own issues in terms of the need to rescue that may well be within you and unless you deal with that you may be setting him up for a fall. Sorry if this sounds harsh but I made exactly this mistake and it is so damaging.
I appreciate all the responses. My feelings on excuses is ...I don't believe in them and my 11 year old has grown up with that. He knows he is responsible for all his choices. He knows this to the point that when he was told by his father that he was going to prison for 2 years .. My son said, well you made the choices that put you there.
We both do therapy. I am fortunate to have the lead psychiatrist at TX Children's Hospital in Houston. She has treated him for 6 years now. She has always told him. Medication helps you concentrate. Behavior is on you. I also tell him sorry doesn't mean anything when you repeat the same actions without changing anything. I struggle with quilt over me not letting him have excuses for how he acts. Heck I've made bad choices and the world doesn't care.. I know the world doesn't care if he had a hard start. I also know people have had things way worse and rise above to thrive and do well. As he approaches tween years. I tell him. What people think doesn't have to be your reality. Your choices will make your future .. Seeing some "isms" developing scare me. I also don't know what to do with never can have enough attention ... All things docs can't answer for me. He tries the victim card often. Ugh ... Guess I get tired of fighting same battles over and over ... I need to remember one day at a time. Or sometimes 5 min at a time. And I can't control or cure his actions ... He's good when I'm around. When he's with friends or not under my supervision. You just never know what happened when an incident occurs and mostly. They do.
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
((((Sweeetr)))) Prayers for you and the little guy...11-12-13 in my experience are major mind, body, spirit and emotion change years and they do socialize a lot and exchange thoughts, ideas and experiences too. I worked with youngsters in this age group within the public schools and in Alateen and it was always a crap shoot. If some of them were not following the program they were planning my death. I'm still alive so I know they were faulty with the follow thru...lol.
You both have a counselor so that shows you care...is there a group process that he can participate in. Social Model, behavioral modification groups from my experiences work and they get to support each other also. Where in Texas are you? (((((hugs)))))
