Face to face meetings are nearly impossible for me to get to right now & I'm in the thick of some things I need to write out.

May is hard for me, in general. Where I live, we have race for the cure (komen breast cancer walk) the weekend of mother's day, then mother's day (my mom died a few years ago of breast cancer), the anniversary of my A dad's suicide, and my birthday. I was feeling pretty proud of myself this year because I anticipated my normal downward spiral into anxiety/depression and just generally feeling like my emotions and circumstances own me, and I set things up ahead of time to deal with the race, and mother's day with good plans and communication that included, but relied on no one else. I even proactively made a hiking and dinner plan with my kids for Mother's Day so I wouldn't be focused on desperately missing my mom, my ex's lack of support, my kids not caring the way I think they should, etc.  

But nested in a month/week of extreme build-up, yesterday was my dad's suicide anniversary. And I completely completely lost my serenity. I cried and yelled (like scary yelled) at my son for something that would have really benefited from my calm & spent the day locked in this waste of a conflict with my Abf. A conflict he started Monday night by seemingly very willfully misunderstanding what I said, and has continued to go in circles with despite me trying and trying and trying like a moron to explain the "misunderstanding". He doesn't want understanding. He wants to drink/escape. And of course it was predictable he'd check out when he knew my emotional need was going to be greatest.  But see? It was predictable enough that I shouldn't have allowed myself to get into a position with him where I'd set aside again *reality* for what he'd been giving me in the absence of my need. I know that when any need (or his perception that I have one) arises again, he checks out, so the crushing disappointment I'm experiencing is basically my own problem.  

But sometimes he's so supportive and so consistent for a while, that I start feeling like this is a "normal?" relationship and that I have a right to reciprocation. And then there IS actual emotional need on my part for a moment. And this time again, because he'd been consistent, I trusted him when he was expressing empathy and a renewed plan to be there for me this month. I didn't know I was trusting him to do that, exactly, but I'm sitting here crying and feeling massive pain again at all the things heeeeeeeeeeeee didn't do and obviously, next, won't be doing for my birthday. Which is MY problem, but it's still a problem.

I don't want to escalate the drama between us anymore, which is why I'm here instead of messaging him again, but I don't know how to consider a relationship where there is never allowed to be expectation on my part, a real relationship at all. He's a rock of support and love (generally even when drinking) as long as I'm rock solid and need nothing emotional from him. But the moment I'm not solid, and I do have need, that switch flips and there's just total lunacy. e.g.-he basically spent my dad's suicide anniversary sending me messages about how little I care about him (many of his sentences, unbeknownst to him, word for word my father's). And *I* spent the day responding!!! 

For as much truth as I think I see here regarding where I'm off, I guess the added complication is that in my guts I don't actually believe full reciprocation is a possibility elsewhere. :( And I love him (although part of me feels like-barf, what's love got to do with it?). But if I believed I could really have true and honest stability and reciprocation elsewhere without also fighting and crying and explaining for it, I don't think I'd stay anymore.