The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Since I am still so new to the program I am still a little shaky on setting boundaries so that me and my kids can have some sort of normalcy in this crazy life we are now living.
My AH doesn't feel he has to tell me anything about what he's doing or where he's going. When before we told each other everything. So, Al-anon has helped me alot and when he says "I'm leaving". I just say "Good Bye" very nicely. When he leaves my kids say "Where's dad going?" I just say "I don't know, you should ask him". But they won't because they don't want him to get mad at them.
Now that I'm not getting mad at him or asking him where he is going, he is starting to stay out later and later. And today, he just walked in the door at 5:30 AM. He doesn't work. We have run an in home daycare together for over 10 years. So, now that he's been drinking all night and doing God knows what, I won't have any help today (which I really don't anyway since he's started drinking).
My kids are so anxious all of the time especially when he leaves. They are constantly asking me "where is he going?" When I say "I don't know honey" "Well, do you know when he's coming back?" "Is he going to drink?" It's killing me watching my very confidant, stable children so shook up. I homeschool my kids. So we are all used to being together all day everyday. So now that their dad isn't around or is sleeping or is just not there mentally is really getting to them.
I also just found out recently that he has started taking Xanax. So now he will just fall asleep wherever. If we are all at the dinner table (which hardly ever happens now). He acts like he can hardly hold his eyes open. When the kids try telling him things he just acts so uninterested. He has no idea that I know he's taking xanax. But he sure pulls himself together to go out almost every night. He's blocked me on Facebook, but I can log on through another account and he's posting pictures of himself having a good ol' time at the bar or out at clubs with other women.
For my sanity, I am thinking of telling him in the most simplest way I can that if he wants to live his life where he stays out all night that he will have to do it somewhere else. But then do I give him a curfew? Do I tell him he has to atleast tell me when he will be back so I can give the kids an answer? I have thought about telling him how much the kids worry about him but I'm not sure if he will care at this point. Or if he does care, the guilt will be too much and he will get angry. Ughhh! I'm just so frustrated. I'm trying to do everything I can do and I'm just having a rough time. Thank you for listening!
((Dlove)) This is truly an unfortunate and unacceptable situation. Since we are powerless over people places and things, I suggest that you continue to attend your Al-Anon meeting , learn to look within so that you can get the clarity that you need in order to make a healthy decision.
Al-Anon suggests we make no major changes within the first six months in program, so that it is important to attend meetings to develop the tool of not reacting and to learn how to respond . When you know how to focus on yourself and what you need in order to have a healthy life you can take your stand. In the meantime- Stay in the moment and in the day. call your sponsor , live one day at a time.
I had to set boundaries regarding what I was living to live with in my home. Boundaries about what I needed to feel safe. Boundaries that allowed me to keep my serenity. Boundaries about what I would allow to be part of my children's environment.
For me, living with active addiction is not acceptable. I will not tolerate active addiction around myself or my children.
I can relate to the way you are living. Its a disease that takes love and kindness and leaves behind resentment and a lot more negativity. Your husband is sick but its a family disease and everyone is effected. The damage is becoming clear for your children. Please dont blame yourself for this. The most loving thing you can do for your family is attend meetings and work this program like yours and your familys life depends on it.
The denial will lift as you learn how to live and boundaries will come naturally from that. We often lose our sense of what is acceptable and unacceptable and we make excuses to avoid taking the action required because we are scared of change. Alanon works and there are many of us who were once in your situation and are now not.
Thank you so much everyone. It's just so hard to be patient when the pain is so unbearable. And if it hurts this much for me, I can't even imagine how my kids are feeling. But I know that it is wise to wait and not react emotionally. Some days I feel so strong and that I can do this and other days I feel like I just can't make it. I appreciate all of your personal experiences. It helps!
I'm so sorry. It sounds like it's time for a big honest talk with your kids. When we don't tell them things they ask, they get the impression that "It's a secret so horrible it can't be told, and you're wrong for asking or wondering," and their minds can get hyper-anxious. Known things to deal with are always better than unknown. When I was a kid my dad had a lot of mental illness and my mom would give me evasive answers about why he was acting the baffling ways he was. It has taken me a lot of years to undo that. I'm not trying to give you extra grief in what I know is a new and horrible stage of things. Just that I would have felt reassured if my mom had sat me down and told me the truth. "His mind is not working right and he is the only one who can fix it. It's sad and distressing to see, but he is still dad in there even though he is making bad decisions and can't respond well to us right now. I am still here and will always be here for you. What we can do is to try to make our lives peaceful and good as much as we can despite this sad part." Or something like that. Maybe they are old enough for Alateen? Or for "What's Drunk, Mom?" (I may have the title of that book wrong.)
Another thing to consider is what your plans might be for if this stays the same for the indefinite future, and for if it gets worse. I failed to make a Plan B for myself, which caused me a lot of trouble and unnecessary turmoil. Of course you are already protecting yourself greatly by being engaged with Al-Anon. Wishing you the best.
Dlove - I was living with a ton of chaos and drama with 3 active alcoholics in my home. I had to hit bottom and realize that I was powerless over others, and could only control my actions/reactions. Surprisingly enough, the more program I learned/embraced/worked, the less drama/chaos that existed. I believe that we often are a huge part of the disease in how we try to act, react, control, protect, lead, etc. Meetings and an awesome sponsor helped me set boundaries for self-preservation and not punitive towards those around me.
As far as talking with children, it's a tough journey. Right, wrong or indifferent, my AH was their father and my boys loved him unconditionally - with the disease and in spite of the disease. I was careful to never blame him, nor the disease, but rather focus on the program for/with them. Children are so bright - there is no doubt they know something is different in your home. So, to ensure there was not any bias, I involved professionals with my family dynamics. It was easier for my children to hear/understand/ask questions/react to a professional than to me...
I believe that if we work this program, the answers come when we are ready...keep doing what your doing and focus on one day at a time!! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you so much! It's so helpful knowing all of you have been through this. And when I'm feeling overwhelmed I can come and vent and get my thoughts together before I react. A lady at my Al-anon meeting gave me that book. I read it to my kids a few days ago. It helped them express their feelings a little better. I also have been having a heart to heart talk every night with them. Where they are allowed to ask me anything and/or talk about anything that's on their hearts and then we pray together. We have done that 3 nights in a row and it definitely has brought us closer and I hope has eased their fears somewhat. I tell them I am learning about this disease just as they are. I have been as honest as I can with them. I am no longer making excuses for him. I hope that over time they will become less focused on what their dad is doing or not doing because I am less focused on it. I can't wait to go to my meeting in Saturday!!
I so relate to this,and great esh been givin here as well,I'm have to say I can now see my progress more clearly and how far I have come with working the steps and call it ,meetings and coming here to post,thank you for sharing Dlove.i know it will get better for you and your doing great.....hugs lu
