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My husband is a dry drunk that uses anger as a way to stimulate himself (I'm guessing). I know it's some kind of rageaholic thing b/c I've seen him go into a rage about a typo in the newspaper by a columnist that he otherwise loves. He'll choose ANYTHING to rage about...whatever is handy, even if sometimes it is me. Now, I guess I should be thankful for the times that he is raging at the tv instead of picking at my idiosyncrasies but I REALLY REALLY need to come up with something to say and do during these rages so that I can
!. Leave the situation and do what I WANT to do instead of being his sounding board.
2. Protect myself from so much negative stuff.
I just get so dumbfounded. I feel kind of new at this. My counselor says that I can choose to do whatever I want to do as long as it is respectful and mature. She says I need to act like an adult even if those around me are not behaving like adults. She also said to not expect those around me to LIKE what I choose to do. I'm trying to figure out what to do so that I can feel good about myself. AGAIN...I'M NOT TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO TO STOP THE BEHAVIOR HE IS DOING. My main goal is to come up with something I can do so that I don't feel so crappy about myself...so I don't feel like some kind of doormat victim of his rage. To me, being stuck listening to his rages about the tv or whatever, feels to me like being a victim because I DON'T WANT TO BE THERE. What are some ways to respectfully leave the room while he is raging. I am also not supposed to try to be his counselor my counselor says. I've heard my husband even say "my poor wife has to listen to me go on and on about the cable company b/c she is married to me." Is that REALLY true??? Is it unreasonable for me to feel entitled to calm and to feel like I shouldn't HAVE to hear his rant of the day?
Welcome Gen I suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. It is here i learned how to reclaim my self esteem and develop new constructive tools to live by.
To answer your question -- just because you are married to someone you do not have to subject yourself to the irrational ranting and negative remarks of someone that you are married to.
Your first obligation is to yourself.-- Before you can support others you must support your own well being and inner calm. I simply say I can not listen to these negative rantings so I am going out to a movie or a walk and then I do so. Keep coming back.
I try to assert quietly and calmly that the behavior makes me edgy and fearful and then walk away. Rages are about fear anyway mostly the fear of loosing control. I am rage-aholic also at times and am building triggers to take me to the other side...the calm side. It is a relapse period for me so this is another at self love. (((hugs)))
There is no reason why you need to listen to any of that, it is ok to walk out of the room IMO.
I started to do this and it helped me a lot. I have a space in our home where I can go and relax and do other things. It makes me feel bad to be around anxiety and negative behaviour and that doesn't help anyone! Our dog even leaves the room sometimes!
Oh, I so understand the seemingly endless rants over the smallest thing or something triggers ranting and re-hashing over an old issue. I have tried a couple of things. Sometimes I will make something up that I need to do in the basement - laundry or ironing a pair of pants for work, or I am going to do some workout. ANYTHING to get away from it. If hes still raging at least it's not in my face. Sometimes if he doesn't seem too far gone on it, I will be honest and say I can see this building and I honestly don't want to hear this now. It actually stops him on occasion. I think what has worked best for me is having some strategies in place ahead of time. Obviously it frequently comes out of nowhere, but on my way home from work ( he's retired) I think about the things I have to do and the things I want to do. Should he start a rant, I am not fumbling around in my head how I can escape. I pick a chore or something that interests me and it gets me out of the room. I understand you needing to show respect, but I wouldn't over-worry his feelings in that moment. The calm escape is for your benefit, not his!
This part of your post really struck me: "She also said to not expect those around me to LIKE what I choose to do. I'm trying to figure out what to do so that I can feel good about myself. AGAIN...I'M NOT TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO TO STOP THE BEHAVIOR HE IS DOING. My main goal is to come up with something I can do so that I don't feel so crappy about myself...so I don't feel like some kind of doormat victim of his rage. To me, being stuck listening to his rages about the tv or whatever, feels to me like being a victim because I DON'T WANT TO BE THERE."
In the first line you say you understand he will be unhappy about what you do and then that you are not trying to change his behavior, but that you want to keep from being stuck listening and feeling like a doormat. I honestly believe using the AlAnon slogans may help here. The three C's, Just for Today, and Live and Let Live all come to mind.
I say this in the most positive and supportive way (because it is difficult to see inflection and feeling in the written word). By this I mean, you are not responsible for his rages and you can choose to live away from them (not talking about moving out at this point, but moving your person out of hearing range, silencing the rages, or putting on headphones (notice canceling) and listening to what makes you happy (music/podcasts/tv) or just to silence for a while with ear plugs). You say don't want to be there and are still in the situation, so you have a choice. He isn't going to change until he wants to, so it is up to you. If you want to stay, you do have options and everything is really in your hands, despite how strange that truly feels. (It took me a long time to fully understand this fact in my case and really changed things when I grasped that understanding).
On the doormat thing, I so understand that feeling. I decided I would no longer be a doormat and had to express this to my RAH, calmly, yet insistently, and in a quiet, non-judgmental tone. When he interrupted, I simply waited until he finished blustering and said, I was speaking and will finish now. Then I reiterated that I would no longer be treated with disrespect (and explained what I was referring to exactly (because sometimes they simply don't understand how their behavior affects you) and reminded him he had options. I also reminded him the choice is his but his actions have consequences. I stated I would follow through with my choices. (Many times an A will try to demand to know what you are going to do or to do about "it"), to which I quietly re-explained; just as he has choices, I have choices, and I choose to no longer accept behaviors which affect my stress level or negatively impact my feelings. It is not necessary to spell out exact consequences, as you will do as you see fit.
In my situation, my RAH was quite perturbed I said something since he "felt he had not done nothing wrong", but later came back, apologized, and said he had thought about what I said and didn't mean to hurt me. He said he would try very hard and I have to accept that. It takes practice for personal growth...for both of us. For now, that is enough and is a MAJOR improvement because this conversatigon would never have happened a year ago.
Lastly, I want to mention that A's who were/are heavy, long-term users often have difficulty keeping their thoughts clear. My RAH (13+months) says his memory is getting really bad, but I see he never tried to remember before and it is new for him. I believe his brain is making new connections and information is being processed so fast that he may not be able keep up at times. In periods of emotional stress, where he was once consumed large quantities of alcohol, he is now learningnew coping skills (like a teenaged boy), which explains a lot on the emotional maturity front. I am also learning new skills in not reacting and jumping to conclusions, so we are both still MIP's. I too have come a long way, but still need a lot of work!
I hope you find a few words of wisdom in this response. I know I would have been unable to cope without MIP. Please take what you like and leave the rest. I have responded with honestly, love, and affection for my fellow MIP. ((((Peace))))
This makes me think of the slogan that you don't have to attend every fight you are invited too. I agree with your counselor, leaving is fine as long as it's mature and respectful. But you might be at a point where the only thing you can do is just leave, without saying anything. For me, at that point, I consider it success that I left and didn't make the snarky remark I felt like making. Progress is important here, not perfection.
